Happy

Life is not easy.  Yet, I have a lot of happiness.  I don't get enough true rest, yet, still, I find an incredible amount of joy in so many things.  My kids bring me more smiles and insights than I ever knew was possible.  My near kids do too.  My heart has been opened in ways that I once was unaware of being possible.  The amount of love I can have for a person just because I love them and not because they please me astounds me.  My animals are also a source of pleasure.  Just got a bigger dog to go with the chihuahua.  He is older, but I know that he will make me feel safer in the house when I am "alone".  I'm a little bit wimpy sometimes and having a larger dog used to be a huge comfort.  I wanted him.  I have him.  And, the  fact that the kids adore him is pretty good too.  

I have dreams and hopes for the future.  Some are far fetched and more like fantasies.  Others are things that I am putting in the leg work to make come true.  It's fun to live going forward instead of simply allowing life to happen to me.  

But though there is so much happiness that stems from thankfulness, there is still the gnawing pain of not being enough....ever.  Of not doing the right thing.  Of not being encouraging enough.  Or simply not giving him what he wants.  Though I am learning to cope, I'm wondering if this pain will ever go away.  Because knowing that I'm not the woman he wants or wanted makes me second guess who I am.  It makes me unsure.  It kicks at my sense of security.  Makes me wonder if it's the same with others around me.  Though I know that's silly...though I know that it's part of the lie, I struggle.  I have been reprogrammed, so to speak.  It's hard getting deprogrammed.  It's like getting a virus off of a computer.  

And the most hurtful thing still is now that he completely fails to hear me or give credence to what I feel or say.  He acts like things should be "normal".  He wants me to give up who I am so that he will feel comfortable.  At all costs.  My costs.  I guess I'm selfish.  

But, I don't like how it was affecting my kids.  They were being hurt.  It's getting a little better.  Slowly.  I want them to feel confident and firmly adored and cherished.  Even getting the dog showed me how hard he is on them.  Nobody matters but what he wants.  He belittled, he dissuaded, he bullied.....but he made the mistake of saying, "I don't really care if you get a dog, but....." and that's all it took.  They were online looking.  Got one that day.  Even after all of the negative stuff.  Really negative.  It was stressful.  But, how strong the kids were to say, "not a problem."  I love who they are becoming.  And I will take any of the crap that comes regarding the dog or anything else rather than let them.  The problem is that right now he is hiding some of the crappiness from me in order to "woo" me back.  But, crappiness to my kids?  That just ticks me off.  That's something that's not ok.  Guess he doesn't know me very well.  Big surprise.

In This Quiet Place

I am teaching summer school.  It has been very chaotic lately in life.  Coming back from vacation was hard for me.  Though I wanted to be home.  Though I wanted to work.
My husband is in a huge state of denial.  He acts as if he can ignore things and that they will be fine.  I am glad not to fight but I'm weary of feeling this weight.  It's as if he is living in the land of make believe.  Yes, perhaps things are "better"....because we have very little contact.  Not because anything was fixed or worked out.
And, regarding our kids, it's stressful to me that he is so hard on them.  When we were getting a new dog this last weekend, he was harsh.  Behaved as if they were bad for wanting one.  Then told them that if anyone complained he would make them talk to them.  That if something was wrong about the dog that it wouldn't be his responsibility.  I took my responsibility and went and got the dog.  Though I know that any wrongs about it will be an "I told you so and so I'm not going to be a part of this."  However, the dog is amazing, so suddenly he is behaving as if it were his own idea.  Yeah, right.
Being home is hard.  And, now working is hard because the hours when I could be home without him are eaten up partially by work.  Yet, at the same time, I love work.  Just a hard time.

Obtuse

If it be told how little my husband notices me, it will be in this.  For the first time today he realized that I rarely attend church, that I have no Sunday School class.  He wanted me to tell him where to go to Sunday School because he won't be teaching the youth over the summer.  And, I said that I didn't know.  That he would have to choose.  So, he wasn't going to go.  But, I drove by and he did.  I had thought that maybe I would sneak in and enjoy the worship time in peace, but that just is really stressful.
I am no good at the whole how are you small talk thing.  I need to find something different.  I need the worship time.  I need to hear dialogue of christians.  Not necessarily a sermon, but input of what other people are getting from the Word.  But, I want to keep my kids happy.  Secure.  I really wish that he would go somewhere else, but in reality, he has much more of a "following" at our current church.  So, I know that it makes more sense this way.  I miss sitting in the pew with my kids.  Desperately.  I miss hearing my one son sing.  My heart aches.  Deeply.  Yet even with the ache I can't shake the fear of going.  I cn't simply walk in.  It became a troubled place a long time ago.  It used to be the place of truth.  Of safety.  Now, it has changed because so much has happened.
I wonder how big of a failure I am.  Like whether I can possibly survive.  Spiritually, I am aware that God still loves and cares and works all things together for good.  Yet, emotionally, I am spent.  It's like a never ending horror.  I try to be at peace with how it is.  To simply be patient.  To see what is right and good.  To see how I can live in the best way possible.  But at every turn it's as if in order to keep a life together, I have to disappear.  Dying to self for God is ok, but for a man?  For someone who barely notices me?  Wow.  Not so sure.  Should I be groveling to him as I used to do?  I don't think that I possibly can do so and live.  It's easy to look at all that charm and wonder, "what am I thinking?  What am I doing?"  But as sure as that happens, there is always the moment of , "oh, that's why."
So, here I sit, watching the time carefully, knowing that he often shows up at home between services.  I won't be here.  I will go to the grocery store and the hardware store.
Strangely, today someone posted that they wanted someone to try a new church with them.  I am interested.  But hesitant.  Don't want to make more waves.  More troubles.
This whole sleeping on the floor thing is a little wearing as well.  It's not really a big deal.  It's just that my body gets a wee bit sore.  We have hardwood floors.  I sleep on an area rug covered part, but still, it's pretty firm.  Good for my migraines.  Bad for the bones.  Price of getting older?
I am still reeling that he doesn't even see me.  It's so weird.  Why does he want me when he really doesn't?  Simply because he can't stand failure or losing.
And that cabin idea?  I still shake.  How can he possibly think that it would be comfortable going on a weekend with other couples?  How can he think that I would survive?  I just think he is looking for any way to get me back into the performing rut.  And, I just can't.  I do feel sorry for him.  He acts wounded and deprived.  Acts shocked that I wouldn't want to go.  Hurt that I am not a part of a Sunday School class that he can join for the summer.  Still wants me to fix things.  Can't.

When It's All Been Said

Yep.  All said.  And I'm all done.  But it just drags on.  Like waiting for the stench to go away from a broken rotten egg.  Don't know how much more I can do.
I wish that he would wake up and understand that the pretense doesn't work anymore.  That the kids tell me how stuff is when I'm not around.  That though he feigns gushy, I'm not buying...not anymore.  Wish he would get out of my room.  At least for awhile.  At least give me time to heal.  To rest.  But, it's not going to happen.  I don't want things to be ugly, so here I stay.  I don't want others hurt, so I hurt.  And there's no telling anyone.  And there's no comfort.  And, I'm exhausted from this life.  And the sad thing is that I should have said no a long time ago.  What happened to me?  I believed I had to make it work.  At all costs.  Gee whiz.  That's what I tried to do.
It's like plugging the proverbial dyke with my finger.  Not working so well.
Yep.  Distressed.  Depressed.  Troubled.  Very sad.  Not interested in making small talk with him.  Not interested in his good night dear.  Turns my tummy.  Off I gotta go.  Stole these moments.

Need

Need to get a breath.  Today is a real struggle.  Emotionally I'm barely holding on.  But He is my strong deliverer.  He is here.  He gets why I hurt and He sees my heart.  I am thankful for that.
The need just seems to consume me though.  The need to be away.  To flee.  Fight or flight.  Yep.  That's me.  No fight left.  Unfortunately, no place for flight either.  So, I drove around.  Went to stores.  Annoyed a friend.  Hung around.  Am now home quaking inside as he works outdoors.  I want to SLEEP.  Escape.  Not my norm.  But I want it so badly.  To curl up and cry and go to sleep.
So, instead I am trying to focus on how to become who I need to be.  Not easy.  I have a lot to work on.  God first.  Foremost.  Not on the agenda, but in my very being.  Have to say, I am less religious and closer to Him than before.  But I want more.
I am scared today.  I am wanting to learn not to live that way.
Hope it happens....gotta run.

No Can Do

Soaked down in the tub the other day.  Way down.  And it's a super deep tub.  Like hiding.  Like shutting out the world.  I was on a trip and now I'm home.  But I never get to really feel like I'm at home.  It's so hard.  And I laid there in the hot water and thought, "five more years."  My daughter graduates in five years.  And I cried.  Then I thought five months.  And I still cried.  And five weeks.  At five days I finally felt the huge weight lift a bit.  I am so done.  I'm fried.  i'm hurt and used and he simply acts like everything is fine.
Last night, out of the blue, he asked me if I want to go to a cabin of some person who is in this men's group that he goes to....of which he has never told me what it is.....sometime this month.  I was floored.  Astonished.  I sleep on the floor of the living room.  I tremble and get teary when I have to be home at the same time.  I can barely cope.  And, I mean, really?  Seriously?  But, I said politely that I didn't think that would work out and then I asked why he would have offered it to us.  He said that they were planning on all of the couples going but that didn't work out so he thought we could go.  Hmmm.  And so, I spent yet another night shaking.  Trying to sleep.  Knowing I had to work.  And crying.  He so lives in a different world.  Like somehow I can be manipulated back.  I can't.  I wish I could.  I sometimes wish I could just fake it and make it all better for everyone else.  And, that is why I am still where I am.  Because of everyone else.  Not because of me.  Because of kids.  Because of him.  Because of friends.
I have slowly backed away from my church.  Because when this comes, I don't want it to pull people apart.  To feel like they have to side up or anything.  He can have it.  I will be ok.  I think.  If I survive this part.
Being back is such a good thing in that I love my job and like my garden and enjoy the idea of my home....I just never really get to enjoy it because I a constantly tense.  Constantly stressed.  I sleep but my heart does not get the rest it needs.  And there is no release because I have been striving to be more positive.  One reason I haven't written on my blog so much.  And trying not to say a word to anyone.  So, I cry alone.  Wow.  A whole life lived and I cry alone.  That's pathetic.
I will not spend the rest of my life living with someone who treats me as he does.  Who doesn't acknowledge it.  Who thinks I should forgive and move on....and round and round it goes.  I can't do one more round.  It's slowly depleting me.
God is good.  I know He loves both of us.  I know He sees both of our faults.  I wish that I was the better wife.
But, really, when his mom was here, he let her say in front of my kids that I don't care for my family.  Nope.  I'm done.

Mon Ami

Dear Friend,
You will never know the depth of how you have changed my life.  Nor the impact you have had on me as a person and as a parent.  When I think of the people in the world that I trust, there are only two others that I have ever trusted so very fully....and they have both passed away.  I don't pretend that it's the same for you.  I've always known that whatever it is that you are for me is not the same as what I am for you.  And yet, it is good. 
You will never know the pain I felt as you faced your divorce from someone who was so abusive to you.  Yet, how that pain was mixed with relief as I began to relax about having you go home..not being afraid that you would be hurt. 
You will never know how dearly I have cherished any opportunity to make life a little easier for you.  And, frankly, I'm not the kind who jumps to serve everyone. 
Your ex has said awful things about me.  Over and over.  Ad nauseum.  I hate that.  Not because I am so good, but because in some ways it feels like he talks badly about me to prove that you only chose divorce because you couldn't make up your own mind.  That you have no thoughts of your own.  That you are too weak to decide or think.  That angers me.  Because, while I will always support you, I know that you are fully capable.  Totally able.  And when you are not, you seek help.  You pray.  You ask.  You research.  You are wise.  You are kind.  You are smart.  You are strong.  And by blaming me for everything, he totally takes you out of the picture.  Behaves as if you have no input in your own life.
For all of the ways that knowing me has made your life harder, I am so very sorry.  If I could take it back and make it good, I would.  But there is no going back, there are no do overs. 
I keep wondering why I trust you so much.  Why, though I need you more than you need me, I believe that you will be the person in life that sticks it out not out of a sense of duty but because you actually want to.  I wish I could know that answer.  But it's something that no matter how much I analyze it, and you know how I love to analyze, it eludes me.  I just simply, at my core, trust you.  Even when you are irritated with me.  Even when you are angry.  Even when I've done wrong.  Even if you are feeling mean.  Even when you need space.  Or I feel like a failure.  I just know that if I called you tomorrow, even if was after the worst day ever, and I needed you....well, you'd be there.  Not out of obligation.  It's just so out of my life experience in some ways.  I've had many good friends.  Most come.  And go.  Or are distanced.  But you are a part of my heart. 
For these things, I am so very thankful.  To you.  Mostly to God.  For He knows me so well.  Knows how easily I can lapse into aloneness.  Into being enough just as I am and by being busy.  But He gave me you because He knew that ever so often, you would stop and see me.  All of the things that are a part of me.  That live deep inside but that are often lived out in how I behave.  And, for that too, I am thankful. 
Yet, here I am in such a difficult place in life.  I have struggled and struggled as I long to speak with you.  Openly.  Completely.  Some days the desire absolutely overwhelms me.  Sometimes I weep.  For I have made a commitment to strive not to work toward gather allies.  Toward not making him into a villian.  And though I feel so incredibly wronged.  Though I long in near desperation to let you know, I hold back.  Knowing that I need to let you be his friend too.  And even equally if that is your choice.  And that is painful.  Not because it is wrong.  Just because I feel like there is not a soul on earth that I can claim as one who will always be on my side.  Who will choose me simply because that is how it is.  You have your family.  So does he.  I have a few scattered members.  Many of whom....will always choose him.  And that is just how it is.
So I want to "claim" you.  But friends are not commodities.  They are people.  And I am struggling to learn how to let it be this way. 
Frankly, a person like you would have been a much better match for him.  Well, at least HE would have been happier. 
So I try.  But often fail.  To not share my garbage.  But it's hard to have a best friend.  The person I trust the most.  And have to filter.  Harder than I ever imagined. 
And I'm sorry that it makes things strained.  And I'm sorry that you have so many needs that I fail to meet as I face my own struggles. 
And yet......I remain incredibly and indescribably filled with a sense of blessing just because you are there.  Not that I can speak.  Not that you really want to walk this road.  But just because..  Because I have had the privilege of knowing the feeling of complete and utter safety in a friendship.  That no matter how weird and convoluted things get, it's like a steady line.  A life line. 
You are my friend.  My gift.  Given for times I knew and yet do not know fully about.  And for being willing to walk this road I give you respect.  And honor.  And love. 
Thank you.

The Struggle For Truth

It's so easy for me to see the good in others.  To believe.  To see who they can become.  Yet, it's also way too easy for me to accept their judgements and forget who I am.  But, it's worth the struggle. 
I am worth the struggle.  I keep reminding myself.
I am happy here at the beach.  Happy not to be with myhusband.  That sounds so harsh.  But it is deeply true.  Like I can breathe and feel better and enjoy the time I have without feeling completely inadequate.  So, there is guilt in happiness.  This I know.

Beauty

I am at the beach.  Loving it.  Enjoying it.  And yet.  Knowing that the world I wished was not to be.  And I can't make others understand.  And it hurts me.  I hurt today.  I cried as the surf blew across my face.  But, then I breathed.  Enjoyed the beauty.  And decided that there is nothing that I can do about what wasn't.  All I can do is go from here.
And love the journey.  And choose peace.  And joy.  I choose.  Though it's hard to find at times.