Happy

Life is not easy.  Yet, I have a lot of happiness.  I don't get enough true rest, yet, still, I find an incredible amount of joy in so many things.  My kids bring me more smiles and insights than I ever knew was possible.  My near kids do too.  My heart has been opened in ways that I once was unaware of being possible.  The amount of love I can have for a person just because I love them and not because they please me astounds me.  My animals are also a source of pleasure.  Just got a bigger dog to go with the chihuahua.  He is older, but I know that he will make me feel safer in the house when I am "alone".  I'm a little bit wimpy sometimes and having a larger dog used to be a huge comfort.  I wanted him.  I have him.  And, the  fact that the kids adore him is pretty good too.  

I have dreams and hopes for the future.  Some are far fetched and more like fantasies.  Others are things that I am putting in the leg work to make come true.  It's fun to live going forward instead of simply allowing life to happen to me.  

But though there is so much happiness that stems from thankfulness, there is still the gnawing pain of not being enough....ever.  Of not doing the right thing.  Of not being encouraging enough.  Or simply not giving him what he wants.  Though I am learning to cope, I'm wondering if this pain will ever go away.  Because knowing that I'm not the woman he wants or wanted makes me second guess who I am.  It makes me unsure.  It kicks at my sense of security.  Makes me wonder if it's the same with others around me.  Though I know that's silly...though I know that it's part of the lie, I struggle.  I have been reprogrammed, so to speak.  It's hard getting deprogrammed.  It's like getting a virus off of a computer.  

And the most hurtful thing still is now that he completely fails to hear me or give credence to what I feel or say.  He acts like things should be "normal".  He wants me to give up who I am so that he will feel comfortable.  At all costs.  My costs.  I guess I'm selfish.  

But, I don't like how it was affecting my kids.  They were being hurt.  It's getting a little better.  Slowly.  I want them to feel confident and firmly adored and cherished.  Even getting the dog showed me how hard he is on them.  Nobody matters but what he wants.  He belittled, he dissuaded, he bullied.....but he made the mistake of saying, "I don't really care if you get a dog, but....." and that's all it took.  They were online looking.  Got one that day.  Even after all of the negative stuff.  Really negative.  It was stressful.  But, how strong the kids were to say, "not a problem."  I love who they are becoming.  And I will take any of the crap that comes regarding the dog or anything else rather than let them.  The problem is that right now he is hiding some of the crappiness from me in order to "woo" me back.  But, crappiness to my kids?  That just ticks me off.  That's something that's not ok.  Guess he doesn't know me very well.  Big surprise.