Mon Ami

Dear Friend,
You will never know the depth of how you have changed my life.  Nor the impact you have had on me as a person and as a parent.  When I think of the people in the world that I trust, there are only two others that I have ever trusted so very fully....and they have both passed away.  I don't pretend that it's the same for you.  I've always known that whatever it is that you are for me is not the same as what I am for you.  And yet, it is good. 
You will never know the pain I felt as you faced your divorce from someone who was so abusive to you.  Yet, how that pain was mixed with relief as I began to relax about having you go home..not being afraid that you would be hurt. 
You will never know how dearly I have cherished any opportunity to make life a little easier for you.  And, frankly, I'm not the kind who jumps to serve everyone. 
Your ex has said awful things about me.  Over and over.  Ad nauseum.  I hate that.  Not because I am so good, but because in some ways it feels like he talks badly about me to prove that you only chose divorce because you couldn't make up your own mind.  That you have no thoughts of your own.  That you are too weak to decide or think.  That angers me.  Because, while I will always support you, I know that you are fully capable.  Totally able.  And when you are not, you seek help.  You pray.  You ask.  You research.  You are wise.  You are kind.  You are smart.  You are strong.  And by blaming me for everything, he totally takes you out of the picture.  Behaves as if you have no input in your own life.
For all of the ways that knowing me has made your life harder, I am so very sorry.  If I could take it back and make it good, I would.  But there is no going back, there are no do overs. 
I keep wondering why I trust you so much.  Why, though I need you more than you need me, I believe that you will be the person in life that sticks it out not out of a sense of duty but because you actually want to.  I wish I could know that answer.  But it's something that no matter how much I analyze it, and you know how I love to analyze, it eludes me.  I just simply, at my core, trust you.  Even when you are irritated with me.  Even when you are angry.  Even when I've done wrong.  Even if you are feeling mean.  Even when you need space.  Or I feel like a failure.  I just know that if I called you tomorrow, even if was after the worst day ever, and I needed you....well, you'd be there.  Not out of obligation.  It's just so out of my life experience in some ways.  I've had many good friends.  Most come.  And go.  Or are distanced.  But you are a part of my heart. 
For these things, I am so very thankful.  To you.  Mostly to God.  For He knows me so well.  Knows how easily I can lapse into aloneness.  Into being enough just as I am and by being busy.  But He gave me you because He knew that ever so often, you would stop and see me.  All of the things that are a part of me.  That live deep inside but that are often lived out in how I behave.  And, for that too, I am thankful. 
Yet, here I am in such a difficult place in life.  I have struggled and struggled as I long to speak with you.  Openly.  Completely.  Some days the desire absolutely overwhelms me.  Sometimes I weep.  For I have made a commitment to strive not to work toward gather allies.  Toward not making him into a villian.  And though I feel so incredibly wronged.  Though I long in near desperation to let you know, I hold back.  Knowing that I need to let you be his friend too.  And even equally if that is your choice.  And that is painful.  Not because it is wrong.  Just because I feel like there is not a soul on earth that I can claim as one who will always be on my side.  Who will choose me simply because that is how it is.  You have your family.  So does he.  I have a few scattered members.  Many of whom....will always choose him.  And that is just how it is.
So I want to "claim" you.  But friends are not commodities.  They are people.  And I am struggling to learn how to let it be this way. 
Frankly, a person like you would have been a much better match for him.  Well, at least HE would have been happier. 
So I try.  But often fail.  To not share my garbage.  But it's hard to have a best friend.  The person I trust the most.  And have to filter.  Harder than I ever imagined. 
And I'm sorry that it makes things strained.  And I'm sorry that you have so many needs that I fail to meet as I face my own struggles. 
And yet......I remain incredibly and indescribably filled with a sense of blessing just because you are there.  Not that I can speak.  Not that you really want to walk this road.  But just because..  Because I have had the privilege of knowing the feeling of complete and utter safety in a friendship.  That no matter how weird and convoluted things get, it's like a steady line.  A life line. 
You are my friend.  My gift.  Given for times I knew and yet do not know fully about.  And for being willing to walk this road I give you respect.  And honor.  And love. 
Thank you.