recovery

i have spent this day in recovery.  resting.  thinking.  watching shows.  sleeping.  puttering.  petting my dogs.  i have looked at the difficulties of yesterday's party.

that's as far as i got yesterday.  but now, in the early morning, while getting ready for work, i am back.

i struggle to put to words how much recovery i have to give time to when i have to deal with my ex.  it's physical, but also so much more.  emotional.  i gave my heart and soul  to try to make a life with him.  to conquering my own fears or inadequacies.  and he spent equal effort in being certain that i was never as strong or as happy or as free as i could be.  he spent time feeding his adequacy by making me look or feel less adequate.  he used me.  much as the body uses food for its own purpose....not for the purpose of the food.  and i was willing for so long to be nourishment.  to give hope and life.

and when he is around, he does little things that he knows will cause me to go back to that unhealthy relationship.  he knows that i easily want to make things better.  he wants to be the center of that.  and, he can't be.  but it takes energy not to fall back into old habits.  habits of keeping the peace.  habits of trying to do what makes him feel better.

but this time, it was better.  not great, but better.  this time i had an epiphany.  he wasn't doing anything to make it better or easier for me.  he wasn't looking out for how to make me stronger.  he was still being him.  taking.  expecting.  entitled.

that's not love.  that's need.

so i took yesterday to get strong again.  to give myself time to take care of me.  because i'm the one that has to do that.

and guess what?  i'm happy.  and content.  i am smiling and ready to face the world.  i'm no longer tied as tightly to those things that he expected.  and his sad looks, while they still cause pain, don't undo me.  his mean looks almost amuse me.  i think that slowly but steadily, i am becoming a woman that can give without giving all.  and that is very good.

blessings.

coolest thing ever

today, the coolest thing ever happened.  i had a party for son. my ex was here.  his family was here.  and about 80 or so others.  seriously.  at least.  i spoke with them.  not much.  but i told my father in law that i love him.  i talked with my brother in law and thanked him for being kind.  he told me that the last year and a half...living in tennessee and not in texas with the whole family....has been the best year and a half of his life.  he is happy to be away from the family.  free.
but the coolest thing ever was to have survived.  to have made an entire day without falling apart.  a really hard day.  i had moments where i tuned out a bit.  i had an escape plan for if i needed it.  i had a friend that makes me brave.  not in the way that just tells me to be brave, but in the way that walks beside me and sees me so that i don't feel alone in the dark.  she brings a flashlight.  but even beyond others, i had the peace i continued to choose throughout the day.  the life that i have made that includes joy and love and being present.  i chose to be present.  to see those things that hurt, but not to be undone by them.  i chose to realize that i can change me and not others.  i can change where i stand, who i talk to, how i act.  i can choose to act rather than react.  and i did.  i was so very courageous.  nobody there knew how much so.  how my heart would race.  how the looks were given.  how my ex's mother had nothing good to say.  only questions to ask of my kids and not me.  but when i would hear them, i would answer. i stepped up.  she no longer holds sway over me.  i don't answer to her.  only one of my ex's family sought me out.  he is an in law...like me.  i sought out my father in law.  i told him that i love him loads.  he was hovered over by his wife, and she didn't like one bit that i gave him that.  oh well.  i did what i needed to do.  my father in law isn't well.  he deserved to know how much i appreciate him.
i don't think about how much my house has changed inside..but it was evident by their questions and gawking around. there were no compliments.  only those questions that i learned to dread...the "why aren't you doing it right" questions.  but it didn't matter anymore.  i can let go.  i wouldn't want to live with it every day, but, i can do it if need be.  i know that now.
my brother in law misses me.  one of them.  the other one despises me so much that he wouldn't even come to his nephew's graduation party.  the rest of the family was quietly hostile....in texas, you show support by doing.  by helping.  by contributing.  they showed up, but they didn't offer to bring anything, didn't offer to help pick up.  didn't offer to help set up. didn't do anything that might in any way appear to be supporting me and not just showing up for my son.  very careful.  lest they err and show me that things might be ok.  that i might be an ok human being.  oh well.  they came for my son and that's good enough.
the coolest thing ever is that i can feel again.  not just numbly make it through...as i did when i was married.  i can feel.  i can face things.  i can grieve.  i can laugh.  i can be joyful.  i don't have to be afraid.  i can know that god has it all and that i don't have to understand it all.
being married to my ex nearly killed me.  my body and my mind were so consumed with trying to survive the constant barrage of negative, unkind things and in blaming myself when those things came, that i never would heal between onslaughts.  i became too weary to fight.  too weary to want to care.  too weary to even be myself.  and after awhile, i wasn't sure who my self was.
coolest thing ever...yesterday, i was able to realize for sure and for certain. "i am here".  i finally could let myself matter in context of the one who hurt me most.  he still doesn't get it.  still acts like the wounded victim.  still uses those little guilt tactics.  but i'm over it.  i am more than happy...i am becoming whole.
and yesterday showed me how strong i can be while being authentic.
it was so very hard.  terrifying.  painful
and so totally awesome.  i found that the courage, love, joy, peace and grace that i have been cultivating are not temporary nor fleeting.  they stood up in the hard moment of facing those who hurt me.
now, i got my kids off to their race.  i gotta rest some more.

graduation weekend

my youngest son is graduating.  i am so very proud of him.  i am also suffering with all of the emotions that come from having a child graduate.  they are normal.  excitement.  grief.  knowledge that i have to push when i want to hold on just a little while longer.  smiling as he walks away so that he doesn't worry about having to take care of my needs.  hard stuff.  reality.  good stuff.  i've done my job.  not always well.  but always with the knowledge that god himself is more than enough for my son.  that he can be all and that i shouldn't try to take away from that.  an emotional weekend for any mother.  
then there's the divorce part.
i am so very relieved to be divorced from the man that is the father of my son.  beyond relieved. it's like air filling my lungs after swimming an entire lap underwater.  it's like wearing glasses for the first time when your vision has been bad for a long time.  it's like the intoxicating wall of perfume that hits you in a jasmine garden.  it's not something that i take lightly.  it's not that i wanted to be divorced.  i spent over twenty years trying to be married.  really married.  not only doing it because i said i would.  something more.  the commitment and dedication are good and necessary for hard times.  but relationally, we were always in hard times. so, i am content.
but this part has to mesh with the graduation.  my ex has family in town.  their arrival threw the world off balance.  my kids that are home were caught up in all of the fun that comes from relatives being around.  that's good.  but there was no consideration on the part of their dad that there were also things to be done.  so, i got stuck a lot further behind than i expected to be  and i'm working hard.  really hard.  i am physically tired.  i am socially tired.  being an introvert in all of this hubbub takes a toll.  and then there's the emotional part.  i've been courageous with the whole fact that i'm having my ex and my in laws in my home...along with a lot of others.  i've been gracious.  i am kind.  hard to remember that when i'm treated with so much inconsideration and contempt.  we were all at graduation yesterday.  my ex's family made him feel powerful.  he took over.  i didn't even get a picture with my son.  i had let the family have first dibs on picture time because my father in law is frail.  but, when i grabbed my son to do a couple of shots, my ex jumped in and got in front of me and took the pictures that i set up with my son's good friend.  so, i wasn't going to pose there with my son with my ex's iphone two feet away from my face.  and then my other kids began to scatter.
during the ceremony, when my son was coming to give me a rose, my ex stood in the aisle two rows in front of me.  my son went over to hug him and he backed up and sent my son my direction with a flourish.   he did it as if my son had been going to give him the rose.  he hadn't been.  and he hadn't chosen to get two.he was doing what we had talked about. giving honor.  meeting the needs of the family that is not always with him.  being released by me, with my words, to do something kind without guilt.  i even reminded him when he hugged me for him to go and hug his grandma.
then, it was on to graduation parties of others.  all was well until i got to a church friend's home.  my ex showed up.  not only showed up, but in a crowd, chose to stand right behind where i was sitting and converse.  with many seating areas indoors and out.  with forty or fifty people there.  he had to come stand above me and stay.  it was awkward.  he wears his ring.  he pretends he is still married.  he perpetuates that illusion that we are still together.  i froze.  i had been doing so well all day.  i even shook off the photo taking disappointment at graduation.  i hugged his mother and father.  i stood tall and chose every moment to be the woman that i know that i need to be.  that i want to be.
but in that moment.  him standing there.  people giving acceptance to his lies....unwittingly...but still doing it.  seeing him always go to speak with the people that had always been my friends...owning them....claiming them as his.  and knowing that they don't get it.  i felt the tears rise up.  i barely held on.  until i couldn't anymore.  i looked for a familiar face to get a hug from.  to help put me on sold ground again.  she was busy.  and busy some more.  i desperately just needed to say "this is really hard."  but, there came this moment when i realized that in that crowd of people that i went to church with for 18 years.  that i've known for 20 years.  the only people who know me now, who give me any amount of respect or value...were from my work.  they were people that know the real me.  that don't associate me with my ex.
and i left there trembling inside.  numb.  whiny feeling.  but.  within the hour i pulled it back together.  again.  and i kept going.
because the big party in my home with all of those same church people and my ex and his family....is today.  seven hours.    none of those people offered to help me.  not my in laws.  not my ex.  not the church people.  thankfully, i have a friend  that is cohosting as our kids have gone to school together for years and are having their parties together.  someone offered to her to bring a veggie tray.
but i have to wonder how today will be.  how will my ex keep up his charade of being married when he no longer lives here.how will i function without my bedroom to flee to?  and how will i function with my ex's need to be the center of attention when it's a day for my son?  i don't know specific answers.  i just know there will need to be grace.  not only towards others.  but also towards myself.  because i am in control of only one thing...what i create within me....i can't fix any of those other things.  i can't make them not hurt.  i can't help that my ex treats me the way that makes him look good..  feel good.  feel powerful.  feel superior.  i can only stare down the barrel of those feelings and choose.  choose who to serve.  choose what woman to create.  i can only choose whether or not to embrace the pain and move on knowing that it will be used to complete a work in me.  i can joke and deflect some to keep my humor and sanity, but the bottom line is that i have this choice to make.
i choose beauty.  i choose joy.  i choose peace.  i choose kindness.  i choose faithfulness.  i choose grace.  i choose forgiveness.  though it doesn't look like others think it should.  i choose a new life.  and i choose to allow the hurt of the thousand small things to be nicks that create an intricate, delicate, stunningly beautiful pattern upon my soul.  i choose these things.  and i get to choose.
on to this party day...
a dunk tank is being delivered in an hour!
blessings.

bits and pieces

life is portrayed as being about lofty goals.  a plan.  a style.  the big things.  the honors.  the notable moments. the things that we strive for.
but today, as i worked with a parent to make sure that she had the appropriate insurance coverage to transport children to the rec center for school. as i saw how much her son wanted her to do.  as i watched the minutes until we left tick down. as i taught class and took care of this....her on my computer, me running back and forth to the library, her son looking hopeful....in this little moment of time, i saw things clearly.  i don't speak spanish.  she speaks limited english.  hard to act out "declarations page".  but, we stayed with it.  she called the company.  she talked to them.  her son talked to them.  i talked to them.  they sent what we needed to my email.  and there was this joy.  this connection.  in this moment of working through, there was life.  not in the trip itself, but in the bits and pieces.  the little moments.  the attitudes.  the smiles.  the hope.  the patience.
living is found in the smallest bits and pieces. i'm really starting to enjoy them.  to revel in those odd moments.  

just a little bit

i get off of work.  i feel as if i've been dragged by a horse a dozen miles....through cactus.  totally worn.  but i choose.  make a stop.  just make it through this errand.  pick up soil.  and plants.  and last minute grad party stuff.  take a step.  take another.  speed it up.  make a choice.  move.  move some more.  load the seven bags of soil...by myself.  get home.  unload.  put in garden begun two days ago.  stick plants in ground.  water.  water flowers.  water grass.  do laundry. fold laundry.  heat leftovers.  sit down with kids.  eat.  figure out the busy upcoming  weekend schedule.  very busy.  many grad parties.  grandparents arrive tomorrow.  tomorrow is a bonfire.  thursday they'll visit grandparents.  finals are almost over.  i have five and a half days left of school.  of work.  choose again.  just a little more.  work on bedroom.  hang up some pictures.  put laundry away.  run bath.  pour wine.  breathe.
i don't have to do it all.  i can do just a little bit.  it will be what it is.
and i think that i'm ok with that.
though people will think that i should do more.  touch things up.  i'm...strangely....peaceful.  on fire and working hard too.  but not frenzied.
just a little bit.
breathing.
thinking.
praying.
working.
changing my heart
so that the life i desire can be created
breathe.
again.
i'm making it.

I'm a rock star?

I made it through yesterday. Heck, I made it through last week.  The last twenty four years.  Ha.  I married.  I divorced.  I am living in the aftermath of that decision.  I had someone tell me last week how lousy life is going to be because of that decision.  How it will never be the same.  I certainly hope not...because it was horrible.  And the things that I deal with now that are awful are direct results of that horror.
In six days,my son graduates.  In seven, my ex and his family descend upon my home.  And I know who I want to be.  I know who I AM.  But I have struggled.  There's so much to do.  There's so much emotion.  There are so many unknowns.  I don't know how they'll be.  I don't know if my ex will pretend that we are still....married.  He wears a ring.  He doesn't tell people.  He goes to church and pretends.  How sad of a life that must be.  He must live in so much discomfort.  Embracing truth..when it's messy and stinky...is difficult.  I understand that.  But until he actually fesses up that he indeed failed, nothing will ever change. His pride remains completely in tact, but his life is a wreck.  He competes when he should be encouraging.  He takes when he should give.  He seeks comfort when he should be comforting.  He runs away instead of turning and facing truth.  But, though it's a truth, though he is divorced, though he had some part in that....he has a way of being an innocent victim.  He has a way of throwing things on me.  The problem now is that I am no longer in the groove of the game.  I no longer live the deception of normal.  People that I'm with know that I'm divorced.  They know that I chose it.  They know that I have no intention whatsoever of reconciling.  They know.  I am truthful about my failure.  Imagine their confusion if they come to the party and....find my ex wearing  a ring and being the host with the most in a house that he hasn't lived in for over two years.  It's a little weird.
My kids say that he doesn't tell  his family that we are getting back together.  He behaves as if this is temporary.  He behaves as if he is ignorant of what happened.  I take responsibility...even in front of my kids....he blames me too.  At least he is agreeable about who's to blame, right?
Overall, I have been ok.  I have excelled.  I have been moving forward.  But.  Yesterday, I almost fell flat on my face.  I was pretty much there.  The tears.  The breakdown.  It was all just a breath away from happening.  I needed help.  Not just help doing work.  Help.  Compassion.  Love.  Kindness.  Understanding.  Hugs.  I needed it as much as a breath of air.  I didn't even know how desperate I was until a friend showed up.  And I started to completely fall apart.  And I was feeling so guilty.  Feeling so...ashamed.  Because she was here and I was being a jerk.  And I just needed someone to see me.  To know that though I might make it look easy.  Though I might smile and keep moving on.  Though I will work hard to make it good for everyone else.  I am having to prayerfully, purposefully, by choice, do this thing.  I am having to do it with the knowledge of who I want to be.  Of who I am.  And though I owe my ex nothing, I do owe myself the expectation of doing this well.  Because I can.  Not because he deserves it.  Not because anyone will get it or be nice to me.  Nope.  They are nice to him.  The church people gather round him like someone who needs assistance.  Oh well.  I'm not going to point things out to them.  I'm not going to give excuses.  I'm not going to explain.  Those who deserve explanations don't ask for them.  I needed that friend to be here.  To help with work, but to to help me laugh again even moreso.  I needed her say those magic words, "you're a rock star."  it was the beginning of air returning to my lungs.  well, that and a good...but quick....sob fest.  I'm ok again.  Cooking lunch on this Sunday.  Even went to the church to see my kid do his senior thing.  With my oldest son.  Then we had the most fun time shopping at the grocery store.  It was awesome.  I am healing.  I am getting healthy.  I'm not faking it.  And it's not easy.  It is just as hard as getting the body healthy.  It takes commitment to what is true.  What is true is not always pretty.  But, the good news?  It's better now than it was a year ago.
A rock star.  That would never get on stage.  Maybe a hairbrush rock star. But, stillll.....
blessings
grace to you.

Wow

So, the aunt that doesn't speak to me, the aunt that "left me to god", the aunt that refuses to hear or believe that my marriage was over........THAT aunt...has befriended my daughter on facebook.  Yep.  Seriously.  She has tried to befriend another friend that she hasn't spoken to in twenty years as well.  Really. Sometimes the wow of it all just shocks me.  My ex does this same thing...if he sees people that I'm close to, then he works to get close to them.  It's sad in that the reasoning has nothing to do with wanting to be close to those people. It just has to do with power over me.  To feel in control.  To be the center.  To be a victim.
And now, there's also someone pushing my son hard to speak with his dad.  I don't mind my son talking with his dad, but what I fear is that my son will find himself in another relationship with a man that bases his affection/relationship with him on my son's performance.  He can't take much more of that.
But, in it all, I leave it to God.  He has a plan.  I don't have to work it out.  I don't have to do it.  He has it.  He doesn't need my help.
On to the world of what is happening right now..:)
On to the last of Mom's Day.
blessings.

Mom's Day

mom's day is possible for me because of these great young people.  i am blessed beyond belief.  blessed beyond what i ever dreamed.  i am proud of each and every one.  every day.  blessings.

fresh

fresh starts.

new hope.  new faith.  new growth.

beauty.  coming alive.  without fear.  reaching for the sun.  fragrant reminders of the glory of living.

colorful.  courageously risking the frost.  coming forth.

spring reminds me of how to live.  how to let go.

Today was hard

Today was hard.

It began in fog.  Literal fog.  Deep fog.  A fog that claimed two lives in my dear city.  A fog that ended as suddenly as breaking through a wall.  It was stunning to drive into sunshine...brilliant and glorious. Then, I had to drive back into it after dropping my kids off at school.  I realized how confidence is built having done the fog drive once and finding sunshine when I least expected it.  Going back in was easier....there was hope.  But, sadly, for others, the fog was the end.  They never reached the sunshine.

And today I have had to grapple with some relational things.  I was truly honored to have been nominated for a teacher of the year award.  It was a huge thing.  It's especially touching because I am so newly back to teaching.  It was......big.  And though it's not why I teach.  Though it's in no way close to what gives it meaning.  Though I hate such events. Still.  Well, today, I had to acknowledge that while I don't care if the public knows what I do.  Don't care if I win. I care that the people that I value most care.  That they see me.  That they feel proud of this accomplishment.  And I also had to acknowledge that it hurts to be in a place in life that I don't have anyone that wants to stand with me and help me be brave.  To encourage me by going to a silly dinner....even if I don't really want to go.  I didn't realize how tender that place was until I tried to explain to someone that not having anyone that would be there....being proud of me...made it not worth it. My kids nor my friends were of the mindset of going.  And...that's how they felt.  I have to be ok with that.  I feel sad with myself.  Sad that I don't merit the "I want to support you and I'm proud of you" feeling.  I cancelled my reservation for the big dinner.  I go chastised.  I was embarrassed to say that I had nobody that wanted to go.  Humiliating.  But, I got straight in my own mind about what is important to me.  I couldn't make myself go to please everyone.  I only cared to go if there was someone to be there and be proud.  To sense the great honor it was to be chosen.  How it changed me.  How it gave me a sense of accomplishment.  Since I couldn't cause that to happen, I had to let it go, but I didn't have to show up at an event that would make me uncomfortable all alone.  I cried.  It didn't happen until I tried to explain it to someone else.
I managed to make it.  I managed to remember that just because people don't see or don't feel the desire to "be there" doesn't mean that I'm not valuable.  And I allowed myself to make the choice to skip the event that would have hurt my heart.  What's the point of being recognized by strangers?  For others it is pretty good.  It is how they are wired.  For me, those few that are very important are the ones that matter.  So, I'm home and going to bed early.  I've been sick anyway.  By the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
Hey, I was nominated as a teacher of the year.  I didn't win.  But....I was nominated.  That's nearly miraculous.  God knew I needed that, I'm sure.
blessings.  

recovery

recovery takes less time than it used to.  i don't as often curl under my covers for hours.  i don't have to spend an hour sobbing.  don't get the shakes so much.  painful things still hurt.  they still jolt me.  kick me in the gut.  stop me in my tracks.  but it's momentary.  it's faster.  i am able to process faster.  it has been over two years and i am finally healing.  mostly.
so, this morning was hard, but it didn't steal my day.  my joy.  my laughter.
and that is very good.
that is an answer to prayer.
blessings.

the nitty gritty

how difficult the happy times of life can be.  my son has a senior night tomorrow night.  he and his sister also have a band night.  he chose senior night.  and i was going.  i've raised the boy.  i've pushed, i've loved, i've listened, i've advised, i've been his parent.  a parent.  not a hang out person.   not a "when it's convenient".  but....he is in a tough place today.  i saw it in his eyes.  his friend had told him that i would probably go with her brother and his sister to the band banquet.  this would free up senior night so that he wouldn't be between his mom and dad.  sigh.  i didn't know that she had told him so.  i found out in the car as he got out at sunday school.  and now....i guess i'll do the right thing.  i will reduce his stress.  it aches, but it will be ok.
that's the nitty gritty of a relationship broken. and the thing is that i wouldn't have liked being there with my ex when we were married.
it will all be ok.  all i care about is that i make this ok for my son.  somehow.