i have spent this day in recovery. resting. thinking. watching shows. sleeping. puttering. petting my dogs. i have looked at the difficulties of yesterday's party.
that's as far as i got yesterday. but now, in the early morning, while getting ready for work, i am back.
i struggle to put to words how much recovery i have to give time to when i have to deal with my ex. it's physical, but also so much more. emotional. i gave my heart and soul to try to make a life with him. to conquering my own fears or inadequacies. and he spent equal effort in being certain that i was never as strong or as happy or as free as i could be. he spent time feeding his adequacy by making me look or feel less adequate. he used me. much as the body uses food for its own purpose....not for the purpose of the food. and i was willing for so long to be nourishment. to give hope and life.
and when he is around, he does little things that he knows will cause me to go back to that unhealthy relationship. he knows that i easily want to make things better. he wants to be the center of that. and, he can't be. but it takes energy not to fall back into old habits. habits of keeping the peace. habits of trying to do what makes him feel better.
but this time, it was better. not great, but better. this time i had an epiphany. he wasn't doing anything to make it better or easier for me. he wasn't looking out for how to make me stronger. he was still being him. taking. expecting. entitled.
that's not love. that's need.
so i took yesterday to get strong again. to give myself time to take care of me. because i'm the one that has to do that.
and guess what? i'm happy. and content. i am smiling and ready to face the world. i'm no longer tied as tightly to those things that he expected. and his sad looks, while they still cause pain, don't undo me. his mean looks almost amuse me. i think that slowly but steadily, i am becoming a woman that can give without giving all. and that is very good.
blessings.
that's as far as i got yesterday. but now, in the early morning, while getting ready for work, i am back.
i struggle to put to words how much recovery i have to give time to when i have to deal with my ex. it's physical, but also so much more. emotional. i gave my heart and soul to try to make a life with him. to conquering my own fears or inadequacies. and he spent equal effort in being certain that i was never as strong or as happy or as free as i could be. he spent time feeding his adequacy by making me look or feel less adequate. he used me. much as the body uses food for its own purpose....not for the purpose of the food. and i was willing for so long to be nourishment. to give hope and life.
and when he is around, he does little things that he knows will cause me to go back to that unhealthy relationship. he knows that i easily want to make things better. he wants to be the center of that. and, he can't be. but it takes energy not to fall back into old habits. habits of keeping the peace. habits of trying to do what makes him feel better.
but this time, it was better. not great, but better. this time i had an epiphany. he wasn't doing anything to make it better or easier for me. he wasn't looking out for how to make me stronger. he was still being him. taking. expecting. entitled.
that's not love. that's need.
so i took yesterday to get strong again. to give myself time to take care of me. because i'm the one that has to do that.
and guess what? i'm happy. and content. i am smiling and ready to face the world. i'm no longer tied as tightly to those things that he expected. and his sad looks, while they still cause pain, don't undo me. his mean looks almost amuse me. i think that slowly but steadily, i am becoming a woman that can give without giving all. and that is very good.
blessings.
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