today, the coolest thing ever happened. i had a party for son. my ex was here. his family was here. and about 80 or so others. seriously. at least. i spoke with them. not much. but i told my father in law that i love him. i talked with my brother in law and thanked him for being kind. he told me that the last year and a half...living in tennessee and not in texas with the whole family....has been the best year and a half of his life. he is happy to be away from the family. free.
but the coolest thing ever was to have survived. to have made an entire day without falling apart. a really hard day. i had moments where i tuned out a bit. i had an escape plan for if i needed it. i had a friend that makes me brave. not in the way that just tells me to be brave, but in the way that walks beside me and sees me so that i don't feel alone in the dark. she brings a flashlight. but even beyond others, i had the peace i continued to choose throughout the day. the life that i have made that includes joy and love and being present. i chose to be present. to see those things that hurt, but not to be undone by them. i chose to realize that i can change me and not others. i can change where i stand, who i talk to, how i act. i can choose to act rather than react. and i did. i was so very courageous. nobody there knew how much so. how my heart would race. how the looks were given. how my ex's mother had nothing good to say. only questions to ask of my kids and not me. but when i would hear them, i would answer. i stepped up. she no longer holds sway over me. i don't answer to her. only one of my ex's family sought me out. he is an in law...like me. i sought out my father in law. i told him that i love him loads. he was hovered over by his wife, and she didn't like one bit that i gave him that. oh well. i did what i needed to do. my father in law isn't well. he deserved to know how much i appreciate him.
i don't think about how much my house has changed inside..but it was evident by their questions and gawking around. there were no compliments. only those questions that i learned to dread...the "why aren't you doing it right" questions. but it didn't matter anymore. i can let go. i wouldn't want to live with it every day, but, i can do it if need be. i know that now.
my brother in law misses me. one of them. the other one despises me so much that he wouldn't even come to his nephew's graduation party. the rest of the family was quietly hostile....in texas, you show support by doing. by helping. by contributing. they showed up, but they didn't offer to bring anything, didn't offer to help pick up. didn't offer to help set up. didn't do anything that might in any way appear to be supporting me and not just showing up for my son. very careful. lest they err and show me that things might be ok. that i might be an ok human being. oh well. they came for my son and that's good enough.
the coolest thing ever is that i can feel again. not just numbly make it through...as i did when i was married. i can feel. i can face things. i can grieve. i can laugh. i can be joyful. i don't have to be afraid. i can know that god has it all and that i don't have to understand it all.
being married to my ex nearly killed me. my body and my mind were so consumed with trying to survive the constant barrage of negative, unkind things and in blaming myself when those things came, that i never would heal between onslaughts. i became too weary to fight. too weary to want to care. too weary to even be myself. and after awhile, i wasn't sure who my self was.
coolest thing ever...yesterday, i was able to realize for sure and for certain. "i am here". i finally could let myself matter in context of the one who hurt me most. he still doesn't get it. still acts like the wounded victim. still uses those little guilt tactics. but i'm over it. i am more than happy...i am becoming whole.
and yesterday showed me how strong i can be while being authentic.
it was so very hard. terrifying. painful
and so totally awesome. i found that the courage, love, joy, peace and grace that i have been cultivating are not temporary nor fleeting. they stood up in the hard moment of facing those who hurt me.
now, i got my kids off to their race. i gotta rest some more.
but the coolest thing ever was to have survived. to have made an entire day without falling apart. a really hard day. i had moments where i tuned out a bit. i had an escape plan for if i needed it. i had a friend that makes me brave. not in the way that just tells me to be brave, but in the way that walks beside me and sees me so that i don't feel alone in the dark. she brings a flashlight. but even beyond others, i had the peace i continued to choose throughout the day. the life that i have made that includes joy and love and being present. i chose to be present. to see those things that hurt, but not to be undone by them. i chose to realize that i can change me and not others. i can change where i stand, who i talk to, how i act. i can choose to act rather than react. and i did. i was so very courageous. nobody there knew how much so. how my heart would race. how the looks were given. how my ex's mother had nothing good to say. only questions to ask of my kids and not me. but when i would hear them, i would answer. i stepped up. she no longer holds sway over me. i don't answer to her. only one of my ex's family sought me out. he is an in law...like me. i sought out my father in law. i told him that i love him loads. he was hovered over by his wife, and she didn't like one bit that i gave him that. oh well. i did what i needed to do. my father in law isn't well. he deserved to know how much i appreciate him.
i don't think about how much my house has changed inside..but it was evident by their questions and gawking around. there were no compliments. only those questions that i learned to dread...the "why aren't you doing it right" questions. but it didn't matter anymore. i can let go. i wouldn't want to live with it every day, but, i can do it if need be. i know that now.
my brother in law misses me. one of them. the other one despises me so much that he wouldn't even come to his nephew's graduation party. the rest of the family was quietly hostile....in texas, you show support by doing. by helping. by contributing. they showed up, but they didn't offer to bring anything, didn't offer to help pick up. didn't offer to help set up. didn't do anything that might in any way appear to be supporting me and not just showing up for my son. very careful. lest they err and show me that things might be ok. that i might be an ok human being. oh well. they came for my son and that's good enough.
the coolest thing ever is that i can feel again. not just numbly make it through...as i did when i was married. i can feel. i can face things. i can grieve. i can laugh. i can be joyful. i don't have to be afraid. i can know that god has it all and that i don't have to understand it all.
being married to my ex nearly killed me. my body and my mind were so consumed with trying to survive the constant barrage of negative, unkind things and in blaming myself when those things came, that i never would heal between onslaughts. i became too weary to fight. too weary to want to care. too weary to even be myself. and after awhile, i wasn't sure who my self was.
coolest thing ever...yesterday, i was able to realize for sure and for certain. "i am here". i finally could let myself matter in context of the one who hurt me most. he still doesn't get it. still acts like the wounded victim. still uses those little guilt tactics. but i'm over it. i am more than happy...i am becoming whole.
and yesterday showed me how strong i can be while being authentic.
it was so very hard. terrifying. painful
and so totally awesome. i found that the courage, love, joy, peace and grace that i have been cultivating are not temporary nor fleeting. they stood up in the hard moment of facing those who hurt me.
now, i got my kids off to their race. i gotta rest some more.
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