Today was hard.
It began in fog. Literal fog. Deep fog. A fog that claimed two lives in my dear city. A fog that ended as suddenly as breaking through a wall. It was stunning to drive into sunshine...brilliant and glorious. Then, I had to drive back into it after dropping my kids off at school. I realized how confidence is built having done the fog drive once and finding sunshine when I least expected it. Going back in was easier....there was hope. But, sadly, for others, the fog was the end. They never reached the sunshine.
And today I have had to grapple with some relational things. I was truly honored to have been nominated for a teacher of the year award. It was a huge thing. It's especially touching because I am so newly back to teaching. It was......big. And though it's not why I teach. Though it's in no way close to what gives it meaning. Though I hate such events. Still. Well, today, I had to acknowledge that while I don't care if the public knows what I do. Don't care if I win. I care that the people that I value most care. That they see me. That they feel proud of this accomplishment. And I also had to acknowledge that it hurts to be in a place in life that I don't have anyone that wants to stand with me and help me be brave. To encourage me by going to a silly dinner....even if I don't really want to go. I didn't realize how tender that place was until I tried to explain to someone that not having anyone that would be there....being proud of me...made it not worth it. My kids nor my friends were of the mindset of going. And...that's how they felt. I have to be ok with that. I feel sad with myself. Sad that I don't merit the "I want to support you and I'm proud of you" feeling. I cancelled my reservation for the big dinner. I go chastised. I was embarrassed to say that I had nobody that wanted to go. Humiliating. But, I got straight in my own mind about what is important to me. I couldn't make myself go to please everyone. I only cared to go if there was someone to be there and be proud. To sense the great honor it was to be chosen. How it changed me. How it gave me a sense of accomplishment. Since I couldn't cause that to happen, I had to let it go, but I didn't have to show up at an event that would make me uncomfortable all alone. I cried. It didn't happen until I tried to explain it to someone else.
I managed to make it. I managed to remember that just because people don't see or don't feel the desire to "be there" doesn't mean that I'm not valuable. And I allowed myself to make the choice to skip the event that would have hurt my heart. What's the point of being recognized by strangers? For others it is pretty good. It is how they are wired. For me, those few that are very important are the ones that matter. So, I'm home and going to bed early. I've been sick anyway. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
Hey, I was nominated as a teacher of the year. I didn't win. But....I was nominated. That's nearly miraculous. God knew I needed that, I'm sure.
blessings.
It began in fog. Literal fog. Deep fog. A fog that claimed two lives in my dear city. A fog that ended as suddenly as breaking through a wall. It was stunning to drive into sunshine...brilliant and glorious. Then, I had to drive back into it after dropping my kids off at school. I realized how confidence is built having done the fog drive once and finding sunshine when I least expected it. Going back in was easier....there was hope. But, sadly, for others, the fog was the end. They never reached the sunshine.
And today I have had to grapple with some relational things. I was truly honored to have been nominated for a teacher of the year award. It was a huge thing. It's especially touching because I am so newly back to teaching. It was......big. And though it's not why I teach. Though it's in no way close to what gives it meaning. Though I hate such events. Still. Well, today, I had to acknowledge that while I don't care if the public knows what I do. Don't care if I win. I care that the people that I value most care. That they see me. That they feel proud of this accomplishment. And I also had to acknowledge that it hurts to be in a place in life that I don't have anyone that wants to stand with me and help me be brave. To encourage me by going to a silly dinner....even if I don't really want to go. I didn't realize how tender that place was until I tried to explain to someone that not having anyone that would be there....being proud of me...made it not worth it. My kids nor my friends were of the mindset of going. And...that's how they felt. I have to be ok with that. I feel sad with myself. Sad that I don't merit the "I want to support you and I'm proud of you" feeling. I cancelled my reservation for the big dinner. I go chastised. I was embarrassed to say that I had nobody that wanted to go. Humiliating. But, I got straight in my own mind about what is important to me. I couldn't make myself go to please everyone. I only cared to go if there was someone to be there and be proud. To sense the great honor it was to be chosen. How it changed me. How it gave me a sense of accomplishment. Since I couldn't cause that to happen, I had to let it go, but I didn't have to show up at an event that would make me uncomfortable all alone. I cried. It didn't happen until I tried to explain it to someone else.
I managed to make it. I managed to remember that just because people don't see or don't feel the desire to "be there" doesn't mean that I'm not valuable. And I allowed myself to make the choice to skip the event that would have hurt my heart. What's the point of being recognized by strangers? For others it is pretty good. It is how they are wired. For me, those few that are very important are the ones that matter. So, I'm home and going to bed early. I've been sick anyway. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
Hey, I was nominated as a teacher of the year. I didn't win. But....I was nominated. That's nearly miraculous. God knew I needed that, I'm sure.
blessings.
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