my youngest son is graduating. i am so very proud of him. i am also suffering with all of the emotions that come from having a child graduate. they are normal. excitement. grief. knowledge that i have to push when i want to hold on just a little while longer. smiling as he walks away so that he doesn't worry about having to take care of my needs. hard stuff. reality. good stuff. i've done my job. not always well. but always with the knowledge that god himself is more than enough for my son. that he can be all and that i shouldn't try to take away from that. an emotional weekend for any mother.
then there's the divorce part.
i am so very relieved to be divorced from the man that is the father of my son. beyond relieved. it's like air filling my lungs after swimming an entire lap underwater. it's like wearing glasses for the first time when your vision has been bad for a long time. it's like the intoxicating wall of perfume that hits you in a jasmine garden. it's not something that i take lightly. it's not that i wanted to be divorced. i spent over twenty years trying to be married. really married. not only doing it because i said i would. something more. the commitment and dedication are good and necessary for hard times. but relationally, we were always in hard times. so, i am content.
but this part has to mesh with the graduation. my ex has family in town. their arrival threw the world off balance. my kids that are home were caught up in all of the fun that comes from relatives being around. that's good. but there was no consideration on the part of their dad that there were also things to be done. so, i got stuck a lot further behind than i expected to be and i'm working hard. really hard. i am physically tired. i am socially tired. being an introvert in all of this hubbub takes a toll. and then there's the emotional part. i've been courageous with the whole fact that i'm having my ex and my in laws in my home...along with a lot of others. i've been gracious. i am kind. hard to remember that when i'm treated with so much inconsideration and contempt. we were all at graduation yesterday. my ex's family made him feel powerful. he took over. i didn't even get a picture with my son. i had let the family have first dibs on picture time because my father in law is frail. but, when i grabbed my son to do a couple of shots, my ex jumped in and got in front of me and took the pictures that i set up with my son's good friend. so, i wasn't going to pose there with my son with my ex's iphone two feet away from my face. and then my other kids began to scatter.
during the ceremony, when my son was coming to give me a rose, my ex stood in the aisle two rows in front of me. my son went over to hug him and he backed up and sent my son my direction with a flourish. he did it as if my son had been going to give him the rose. he hadn't been. and he hadn't chosen to get two.he was doing what we had talked about. giving honor. meeting the needs of the family that is not always with him. being released by me, with my words, to do something kind without guilt. i even reminded him when he hugged me for him to go and hug his grandma.
then, it was on to graduation parties of others. all was well until i got to a church friend's home. my ex showed up. not only showed up, but in a crowd, chose to stand right behind where i was sitting and converse. with many seating areas indoors and out. with forty or fifty people there. he had to come stand above me and stay. it was awkward. he wears his ring. he pretends he is still married. he perpetuates that illusion that we are still together. i froze. i had been doing so well all day. i even shook off the photo taking disappointment at graduation. i hugged his mother and father. i stood tall and chose every moment to be the woman that i know that i need to be. that i want to be.
but in that moment. him standing there. people giving acceptance to his lies....unwittingly...but still doing it. seeing him always go to speak with the people that had always been my friends...owning them....claiming them as his. and knowing that they don't get it. i felt the tears rise up. i barely held on. until i couldn't anymore. i looked for a familiar face to get a hug from. to help put me on sold ground again. she was busy. and busy some more. i desperately just needed to say "this is really hard." but, there came this moment when i realized that in that crowd of people that i went to church with for 18 years. that i've known for 20 years. the only people who know me now, who give me any amount of respect or value...were from my work. they were people that know the real me. that don't associate me with my ex.
and i left there trembling inside. numb. whiny feeling. but. within the hour i pulled it back together. again. and i kept going.
because the big party in my home with all of those same church people and my ex and his family....is today. seven hours. none of those people offered to help me. not my in laws. not my ex. not the church people. thankfully, i have a friend that is cohosting as our kids have gone to school together for years and are having their parties together. someone offered to her to bring a veggie tray.
but i have to wonder how today will be. how will my ex keep up his charade of being married when he no longer lives here.how will i function without my bedroom to flee to? and how will i function with my ex's need to be the center of attention when it's a day for my son? i don't know specific answers. i just know there will need to be grace. not only towards others. but also towards myself. because i am in control of only one thing...what i create within me....i can't fix any of those other things. i can't make them not hurt. i can't help that my ex treats me the way that makes him look good.. feel good. feel powerful. feel superior. i can only stare down the barrel of those feelings and choose. choose who to serve. choose what woman to create. i can only choose whether or not to embrace the pain and move on knowing that it will be used to complete a work in me. i can joke and deflect some to keep my humor and sanity, but the bottom line is that i have this choice to make.
i choose beauty. i choose joy. i choose peace. i choose kindness. i choose faithfulness. i choose grace. i choose forgiveness. though it doesn't look like others think it should. i choose a new life. and i choose to allow the hurt of the thousand small things to be nicks that create an intricate, delicate, stunningly beautiful pattern upon my soul. i choose these things. and i get to choose.
on to this party day...
a dunk tank is being delivered in an hour!
blessings.
then there's the divorce part.
i am so very relieved to be divorced from the man that is the father of my son. beyond relieved. it's like air filling my lungs after swimming an entire lap underwater. it's like wearing glasses for the first time when your vision has been bad for a long time. it's like the intoxicating wall of perfume that hits you in a jasmine garden. it's not something that i take lightly. it's not that i wanted to be divorced. i spent over twenty years trying to be married. really married. not only doing it because i said i would. something more. the commitment and dedication are good and necessary for hard times. but relationally, we were always in hard times. so, i am content.
but this part has to mesh with the graduation. my ex has family in town. their arrival threw the world off balance. my kids that are home were caught up in all of the fun that comes from relatives being around. that's good. but there was no consideration on the part of their dad that there were also things to be done. so, i got stuck a lot further behind than i expected to be and i'm working hard. really hard. i am physically tired. i am socially tired. being an introvert in all of this hubbub takes a toll. and then there's the emotional part. i've been courageous with the whole fact that i'm having my ex and my in laws in my home...along with a lot of others. i've been gracious. i am kind. hard to remember that when i'm treated with so much inconsideration and contempt. we were all at graduation yesterday. my ex's family made him feel powerful. he took over. i didn't even get a picture with my son. i had let the family have first dibs on picture time because my father in law is frail. but, when i grabbed my son to do a couple of shots, my ex jumped in and got in front of me and took the pictures that i set up with my son's good friend. so, i wasn't going to pose there with my son with my ex's iphone two feet away from my face. and then my other kids began to scatter.
during the ceremony, when my son was coming to give me a rose, my ex stood in the aisle two rows in front of me. my son went over to hug him and he backed up and sent my son my direction with a flourish. he did it as if my son had been going to give him the rose. he hadn't been. and he hadn't chosen to get two.he was doing what we had talked about. giving honor. meeting the needs of the family that is not always with him. being released by me, with my words, to do something kind without guilt. i even reminded him when he hugged me for him to go and hug his grandma.
then, it was on to graduation parties of others. all was well until i got to a church friend's home. my ex showed up. not only showed up, but in a crowd, chose to stand right behind where i was sitting and converse. with many seating areas indoors and out. with forty or fifty people there. he had to come stand above me and stay. it was awkward. he wears his ring. he pretends he is still married. he perpetuates that illusion that we are still together. i froze. i had been doing so well all day. i even shook off the photo taking disappointment at graduation. i hugged his mother and father. i stood tall and chose every moment to be the woman that i know that i need to be. that i want to be.
but in that moment. him standing there. people giving acceptance to his lies....unwittingly...but still doing it. seeing him always go to speak with the people that had always been my friends...owning them....claiming them as his. and knowing that they don't get it. i felt the tears rise up. i barely held on. until i couldn't anymore. i looked for a familiar face to get a hug from. to help put me on sold ground again. she was busy. and busy some more. i desperately just needed to say "this is really hard." but, there came this moment when i realized that in that crowd of people that i went to church with for 18 years. that i've known for 20 years. the only people who know me now, who give me any amount of respect or value...were from my work. they were people that know the real me. that don't associate me with my ex.
and i left there trembling inside. numb. whiny feeling. but. within the hour i pulled it back together. again. and i kept going.
because the big party in my home with all of those same church people and my ex and his family....is today. seven hours. none of those people offered to help me. not my in laws. not my ex. not the church people. thankfully, i have a friend that is cohosting as our kids have gone to school together for years and are having their parties together. someone offered to her to bring a veggie tray.
but i have to wonder how today will be. how will my ex keep up his charade of being married when he no longer lives here.how will i function without my bedroom to flee to? and how will i function with my ex's need to be the center of attention when it's a day for my son? i don't know specific answers. i just know there will need to be grace. not only towards others. but also towards myself. because i am in control of only one thing...what i create within me....i can't fix any of those other things. i can't make them not hurt. i can't help that my ex treats me the way that makes him look good.. feel good. feel powerful. feel superior. i can only stare down the barrel of those feelings and choose. choose who to serve. choose what woman to create. i can only choose whether or not to embrace the pain and move on knowing that it will be used to complete a work in me. i can joke and deflect some to keep my humor and sanity, but the bottom line is that i have this choice to make.
i choose beauty. i choose joy. i choose peace. i choose kindness. i choose faithfulness. i choose grace. i choose forgiveness. though it doesn't look like others think it should. i choose a new life. and i choose to allow the hurt of the thousand small things to be nicks that create an intricate, delicate, stunningly beautiful pattern upon my soul. i choose these things. and i get to choose.
on to this party day...
a dunk tank is being delivered in an hour!
blessings.
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