Change

I have found my voice.  Yesterday, I heard, again, from a dear christian woman who writes me at spaced out intervals to inquire upon my movement towards reconciling my marriage.  I was stabbed through. She doesn't write to inquire of me.  Or to spend time with me.  She doesn't inquire as to my reasons.  She doesn't leave room for God having a plan with where I am now.  She doesn't care for me...she cares for an agenda that she believes God charges her with.  And I wept.  And I was struck through.  And I wondered if ever there will be a time that a person from my very own church would be there.  Would stop and really ask how I am.  I wondered if the joy that I have found would matter.  I shuddered.  I ached.
I have had already a lifetime of hurt.  I have endured through many hardships.  I have prayed and believed.  Had faith.  Learned more deeply of the love God.  Learned.  Grown.
And yet, in marriage, I was so near being destroyed.  I walked alone.  I gave my heart and soul to making it work.  To pray.  To change.  To be better.
And finally.  I was done.
But yesterday, I was reminded again that I was a disappointment.
And earlier in the week, having a phone conversation, I heard that someone didn't come to the graduation party at my house because my not being married and having the inlaws there.  It would be too uncomfortable for them.  The person was explaining for another person...and reminded me that there would be many events like this in the future and that I'd have to get used to it.  Painful.  Very.
I love the person who spoke the words.  But, again, there was no consideration of me in the equation.
I wonder when I became a nobody to people.  I wonder when they began to think of me as someone deserving of discomfort.  And I realized that it's when I finally stuck up for myself and said no to anymore life of despair and hopelessness.  And when I did that, they decided that I didn't have reason enough.  And that they would fix me.
But instead of falling down this time and taking what was said, I wrote the woman and told her that she has no right to speak into my life.  It was hard.  I prefer to be kind. But, that's how it is.  So, I did it.
What gets me is that it's as if nobody stands between those who condemn.  and me.  I stand on the  frontline alone.
But, stand, I will.
For, it is the only way to live.  I  must do it if I want to live.  And I want to live.
So, I've had to change.  Adapt.  Figure out how to help others, do the things that lift and still bear the pain.  I never knew how strong I am.
Change.
It hurts.
blessings.