sorry

i lived for so long where mistakes or disagreements made life so hard.  i learned to work hard to make things right.  to fix it.  to own it.  but frankly, it never did much good.   there was payment to be made.  had to be put back in my place.  made to see how awful i'd been.  it was long and trying.  he would cry.  he would do whatever it took to make me feel sorry for him.  and it's hard for me now.  i do things that are wrong.  i act like an arse.  and i can be forgiven.  but.   i ......am...still...in...recovery. after over two years.
today i had decided that it was vacation and i should take the to do list off of my mind. take a day off.  do something  fun and different.  be involved. but it didn't work out.  i don't seem to get the intricacies of involvement.  sometimes i wonder why i'm so different and can't get what other people do.  but, it's not something i can change, so i'll just have to learn to like myself and just kind of steel myself against it when i just don't connect.  don't manage to understand how it is to be included.  to be sought out.  because i am not.  too awkward, i think.
but, though that is true, i must work on getting out and living.  experiencing.  how else can i do what god has planned?  hard.  but good.  i used to have people who wanted to be with me.  who called. who said yes if i called.  somehow, i think that i've been damaged so that i bother people.  and all i can think is that i'm healing as quickly as i can..though it feels so slow.  still, i'm healing.  i lived through much.  i ache.  i am traumatized in some  ways.  it comes out when i least expect it.
so, i am chronically sorry. sorry that i can't be what i wish i was so that i could get what i need in connection with others.  but i am where i am.  just how it is.
maybe i'll just quit being sorry.
i don't know.
i am actually kind.
but i don't show it very well.
i just mostly feel sorry for all i lost in giving so much to someone who hurt me so terribly.
and i feel dumb.
sigh.
up and at em.  go and do what i can do.