me

who i long to be.
me.
at the core of who i am.
not the total of my actions only.
me.
inside.
my thoughts combined
with my deeds.
my intentions alongside
others' perceptions.
i long to be forgiving.
honest about my mistakes.
honest about the things i did/do on purpose.
full of laughter.
surrounded by those who assume good intentions.
blessed by love.
full of courage.
giving.
generous.
helpful.
thoughtful.
friendly.
encouraging.
gentle.
peaceful.
strong.
wise.
who i long to be.
what i value.
hold dear.
someone attacked those things with great fervor.
and it hurt.
and it hurts.
but
it doesn't change who i long to be.
who i know i am.
even if it's not seen yet.
may the good of who i was created to be become evident
through the years
and may i give more than i take from this world.
from my friends.
i fear that i do not.
that there are more lurking out there
waiting to crush me with how i disappointed them
in the long ago.
i tremble.
and then i rise.
to make today a day that won't be one of those things to hold against me in the future.
to give love.
to help.
to be brave.
and yet....
today,
crushing as it was...
i just need a hug.
and i am hurting.
and how do i tell someone that i need to be held onto.
even though i am a failure
because i am a failure.
don't know.
i'll eat lunch.
i'll take a nap.
i'll recover.
slowly.
i will learn to be that me.
the me that i don't regret.
even if others do.
blessings.