Today, I'm going to do some going back to go forward things. I am going to go to the cemetery and see my mom's grave.
I am thinking that I might go see my dad's house. I don't even know if he still lives there. But, maybe. I don't really plan on seeing him, but I guess we'll see. It has been a really long time. I don't remember when. Probably almost ten years ago.
I looked through old photos. There were two boxes of my mom's hair from when she was a child. Hair in a box kind of freaks me out, but I do have to say that the color was worth salvaging. An amazing red. Copper looking. Gorgeous. Sometimes, I see how plain I was to my grandma in comparison to my vibrant mother. She lost my cheerleader, redheaded, dancing, prom queen mother...and got rather bland me. I don't think that she meant for it to affect how she loved me, but it did. Can't really blame her. My mom was raised confident. She was raised to perform in front of others. I was raised to stay out of the way. Nobody meant for that to happen, it was just the great losses of the time that affected everyone.
So, now. In this time. Right now. I've been realizing that I love my mom so much still. Though nobody else around knew her. Though nobody can share my grief or memories with me. I love her. She was my hero. She was joy in my life. She laughed. And she played. She sang. She was my mom. Only for a very brief time. Too brief. Cut short.
But today, I go to say goodbye. Again. And, strangely, hello. To a new kind of memory. To remembering her vibrance. To remembering how she gave me such joy. To her memory.
And today, I lay to rest the wonderings about where my dad is. It's time.
I need to do it. It has been on my mind for weeks. But, I'm a little shakey.
Off to do the brave. Off to create good in my life.
blessings.
I am thinking that I might go see my dad's house. I don't even know if he still lives there. But, maybe. I don't really plan on seeing him, but I guess we'll see. It has been a really long time. I don't remember when. Probably almost ten years ago.
I looked through old photos. There were two boxes of my mom's hair from when she was a child. Hair in a box kind of freaks me out, but I do have to say that the color was worth salvaging. An amazing red. Copper looking. Gorgeous. Sometimes, I see how plain I was to my grandma in comparison to my vibrant mother. She lost my cheerleader, redheaded, dancing, prom queen mother...and got rather bland me. I don't think that she meant for it to affect how she loved me, but it did. Can't really blame her. My mom was raised confident. She was raised to perform in front of others. I was raised to stay out of the way. Nobody meant for that to happen, it was just the great losses of the time that affected everyone.
So, now. In this time. Right now. I've been realizing that I love my mom so much still. Though nobody else around knew her. Though nobody can share my grief or memories with me. I love her. She was my hero. She was joy in my life. She laughed. And she played. She sang. She was my mom. Only for a very brief time. Too brief. Cut short.
But today, I go to say goodbye. Again. And, strangely, hello. To a new kind of memory. To remembering her vibrance. To remembering how she gave me such joy. To her memory.
And today, I lay to rest the wonderings about where my dad is. It's time.
I need to do it. It has been on my mind for weeks. But, I'm a little shakey.
Off to do the brave. Off to create good in my life.
blessings.
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