home

i got a sub.  went to school and got everything ready.  back home wondering what to do with my sweet dog.  she's not well.  she's lethargic.  she ate last night, but won't today.


so, heard from a friend who has dogs that sometimes they act like this because they are simply constipated.  lucky me.  i got to put a suppository up her rear.  wow.  that was a new experience.  truly.  wrapped that puppy in a blanket burrito with her rump out and did it. i think i've caused her to have trust issues since i got her to come out of her crate by being so nice and kind.  hmmm.  well, we'll have to address that issue later.
now, i have a timer set so that i can take her outside soon.  if it's going to work, it would be nice if it worked OUTSIDE.
i am content to be home where i can decide what needs to be done.
she went on a long walk.  she doesn't limp.  she's not her peppy self, but she trots along at a decent pace.  no running at high speeds which is her norm, but hey, that's ok.
my ex has been engaging me via email.  i succumbed and wrote more than i should have.  i explained why it is so difficult when he is late with his payments.  but, he just doesn't get it.  so, i need to remember that i don't have to be understood anymore and that i just need to state what i need simply and clearly.
he didn't answer my question about whether he's going to get married.  guess it's none of my business.  he did say that quite awhile ago,the pastor had suggested that he ask me what i thought.  so, i returned the question with "what would you have done if i disagreed?"  he said he would have listened to me but that he didn't know what he would have done.  hmmm.   if he is really serious about someone else, he should know exactly what he would do...which is to calmly and kindly tell me that he's in love with someone else.  you can't hedge your bets in relationships.  you can't sit on the fence.  if that's the case, you're not ready yet...and that's not fair to a new person.  but, i didn't say that to him.  it's not my place.  i think that he only asked me because he was told to.  sooooo.....i'll live with that just fine.
i don't mind him dating.  don't mind who he chooses.  however, what he did feels like he was ashamed or something.  it bothers me that he talks about how he had to talk to the kids, but he left out the kid that he needs to build a relationship with.  ah, yet another thing not in my area to influence.
so, i pray.
for my dog.
for my kids.
for the grace to deal with an ex that still simply doesn't get anything about me.  i think that is the only part that hurts.  i gave over 20 years to someone to whom i am invisible for who i am and only seen for what i can be for or give to him.  that makes my heart ache.  so, i pray.  and i walk on.
blessings.

This Day

Wow.  I am so tired.  So beat.  Ex didn't send check again.  Then, when I wrote, it opened a can of worms.  Our old pastor suggested quite awhile ago that my ex should ask me about dating and moving on.  So, eventually, he did.....
About the money....he doesn't know why it hasn't arrived yet.
Daughter was sick today.  She was at school and I was stressed.  Wanted to go get her.
Dog is sick.  Don't have hundreds of dollars for a vet.
School is nutso crazy.
And I am exhausted.
Totally exhausted.
It's the emotional stuff.
So, no tests graded again tonight.  No grades done at all.
So tired.
So ready for bed.
So....on that note, I think I'll go meet my need,
good night.
and blessings.

Dear Ex

Dear Ex,
You wrote and asked me if it's ok for you to go to the next level in your dating.  You referred to my having given you "permission" to date when we were yet just separated.  You said that you had waited months to do so.    Wow, it strikes me now that you waited months when I waited for decades for you to decide that I was worth cherishing.  I waiting for years for you to find value in who I am.  I waited for hours night after night for you to come home after you were off of work.  Hours.  With kids.  Day after day.  And the years before that, in the night, I would lie awake wondering why you weren't home yet.  Afraid that you had come to harm.  Until many years had gone by and then, guiltily, I would wonder if it wouldn't just be easier if you  didn't come home. Divorce wasn't an option.  I lived a life of severe unhappiness.  I lived with someone that I longed to share life with but then found that you "commitment" to me didn't involve any value on my part.  I wasn't held in esteem.  I was treated as if you were ashamed of me.  As, indeed you were.
Now, you want my blessing to move on.  You moved on years ago.  You abandoned me when our children were small.  You lived your own life with your own activities.  You met your obligations but refused to connect with your children and I in an emotional way.  You showed us off.  You took pride in what we accomplished.  You tssked when we failed.  But you did not claim us in your heart of hearts.  Even when you left for good, you did not make room in your life for your children.  You did not give them your heart.  Instead, you looked for sympathy and worked to gather people to be on your side.  You did not own your actions with your children with actions even if you did allude to it with words.  You let me carry the brunt of their pain.  You let me carry the responsibility.  You let me help them heal.  You  continued what you began years ago....you lived as you chose without thought of those you said you loved.  You cared for your own wants and needs without getting involved in the mess that is growing up.  You let outsiders think that you had been simply wronged.  You acted as if you didn't know what had happened.  You didn't own your emotional abuse.  Your lack of compassion for those in your family.  You didn't own the fact that you CHOSE to live somewhere that they were not welcome.  Instead, as was the habit of years, you let me bear the blame alone.  And, I have.
I have spent these years apart not looking for a new relationship with someone else, but for a new relationship with myself.  It has taken this very long time for me to feel safe and more confident.  It has taken a lot of introspection and questioning to help me see what I did to contribute to the end of our marriage.  I have had to see which things were sin and which were simply things that I didn't understand yet....and forgive myself for each.  Now, I am learning to live in the world as a child of God without searching for fulfillment elsewhere in the realm of marriage because I know that I really did do the best that I could at the time.  I know that I thought that you would value me and I was devastated when I saw how you would let me take the fall in front of others to save yourself.  Devastated.  Beyond reason.  Crushed.  Because I gave you my whole self.  And you took it.  And then you let me know that it wasn't really very great.  That you hadn't found me beautiful.  That you found my housekeeping, money handling, and personality shameful.  I wasn't the girl from back home that you had thought you would marry.  I had been a novelty, but more like a souvenir than a treasure.  You put me aside once the newness wore off.  Once you were done showing me off and how you had married someone so "different", I became someone you tolerated.  I was reduced to living life being expected to be thankful that you were so committed.  That you were such a decent man that you did not leave.  That you were so good.
A relationship is not meant to be like that.  It is so much more.
So, in this new relationship, with an old girlfriend, are you ready to make her smile every day?  Are you willing to be your own comfort and wants aside and make her feel like she is worth it?  Are your ready to own what went wrong in your past so that you don't carry it into your future?  She deserves it.  With your family, never hang her out to dry.  Stand for her.  Stand beside her.  If need be, stand in front of her.  Value who she is and not just what she offers you.
If you are ready to do that, move on.
But don't move past.  Remember.  And in remembering, love well.  Love when it's not about what's in it for you.
You are self centered.  No, really, you were self centered with me.  Narcissistic.  Self preserving.  With me, life was all about your wants and needs.  And I'm good at doing that.  But I shouldn't have done it.  And you shouldn't have asked it of me.  So, give her better.
And don't do it at my expense.  Just don't.
blessings.  be free. be happy.  and....
i'm sorry that it didn't work, but i'm happy that we aren't faking it anymore. truth is way better than fake.  even when it's painful and ugly.

faith

faith.  it's turning on the porch light and shoveling the walk just in case.  it's believing that anything can happen without being devastated when it doesn't.  god does amazing things and it's easy to be so disappointed when we are let down.  when our expectations and hopes are crushed.  but, hope is very resilient.  it is painful and awkward.  hope unanswered often leads to embarrassment.  but it shouldn't. there is no shame in hoping.  there is no shame in looking forward to what might  never happen.  i have looked forward to a trip to europe for years.  it might or might not happen and that's ok.  the hope itself brings joy.
so, tonight, in the dark, i went outside and shoveled the walk, turned on the porchlight and looked to see if i had the ingredients for hot toddies.  ok.  no lemons.  well....hmmm.  maybe my faith is not huge since i did not run out and buy some!
but i am happily perched on my clean couch with my crazy dogs.
life is good.  being alive is the gift.
blessings

snowy day

well, it has been a nice day.  snowing most of the day.  beautiful.  peaceful.  i'm home alone.  i like being here.  however, tonight, i was realizing that i wish that i had a friend or two to hang out and watch movies, talk, play scrabble, make cookies.....whatever.  but i also had another realization.  i'm not willing nor interested in being with random people.  i don't feel comfortable with everyone.  if i am going to give up my energy...which i have to replenish with my solitude...then, i like it with people who mean something.  i have to give it so much during the week to dozens of people, so in my free time, i can be choosy.  and that's ok.
i'm not sitting around being grumpy or feeling sorry for myself.  i'm just learning what i need.
it's a good thing.  I gave up what i needed when i was married and that nearly pushed me over the edge.  he got his energy from being around people...lots of people.  and i made that happen for him.  i would function by focusing more narrowly on people, cooking, settling in.  but he couldn't give me what i needed.  he wanted me to do all of the things that fed him and couldn't see me as i was as valuable.  i needed to change.  it was painful.
and it's good for me to know.   because i need to know how to be myself in relationships.
i need to be patient and wait to be seen or have someone want my company as i am.  i need to be sought out as i am, not as people want me to be.  it's hard, because i'm really good at being what people need.  now i need to be just as good to me. i'm learning.
it makes me think about my ex and his dating more seriously.  it doesn't make me angry, nor even sad.  it makes me.....uncomfortable for the woman.  if my ex hasn't taken the time to go through this process of how to allow someone to be herself, he will drain the next person as well.  i only hope that they are a good match so that  she will be ok.  because when he's not happy, life is pretty awful.
it's a snowy day.  extremely cold.  high of 15.  and it's ok.   i like it.
now, i'll have thanksgiving to do too.  i think my one son might go visit a friend while the others go to their big brother's with their dad.  i know that it'll be ok.  sometimes though, i wish that things were different.  i wish people saw how my ex destroyed me.  not so that they would hang out and feel sorry for me, but so that i at least feel....understood.  maybe validated.  i want to know that i can forgive without having swept under the rug what he did.  i did that for years.  made him look good.  covered.  and in these times, i feel the same.  but i'm different.  it's not what i intend.  i forgive.  and if others think it's because he didn't do anything or that i was silly, well, i'll just have to live with that.  but, i'll know that someone sees me when they realize what it costs me.....without me having to whine or complain.
i love thanksgiving.  it's a beautiful holiday.  perfect.  and it will be.  even without the big family meal.  i still have the exact same things to be thankful for. and i am.  and i am still smiling.
blessings

i called it

i always knew that my ex would move on to someone else pretty easily.  he's dating.  and he wrote to ask if he could pursue a "serious" relationship.  and i was so bubbly and overflowing with joy it is crazy.  totally crazy.  but i am so glad that he'll go on.  glad that he won't be faking it anymore regarding me.  the woe is me guy was a fraud.  i knew it.  but, i still had to live with everyone feeling sorry for him.  it was grueling.  and this just makes me thrilled.  i'm sad for her in some ways.  my ex didn't take time to figure out what his part was in the breakup.  he said that he took responsibility, but he did not.  that's ok for me.  it's not so great for a new relationship.  nothing like a charming guy moving on.  good for the one he's moving on from.  not so good for the newbie.  but, she's a grownup.  he went to high school with her.  his mama will be so much happier that he is with a texas girl.  maybe she'll even be lutheran.  that would make it all good.
i find it odd that he asked me about dating after he's been going out for a long time.  the kids know it.  it's awkward.  i feel badly for him.  say or don't say, but don't act like you are doing it right away when you've been dating for a long time.  silly.  he's single.  no reason not to date.
maybe someone counseled him to ask me if it was ok.  or to let me know.  probably because he was discussing getting serious with someone new.  fine with me.  totally.  i could have been so thrown, but i wasn't.  i was giddy.  joyful.  happy.
i knew it. always knew it.  that's how he was.  how he is.  nobody is more important than himself.
and frankly, at this point, i'm glad he's moving on.  it's a relief.
blessings.

good mama

i instituted a day of rest for my daughter a few weeks ago.  she can veg. or hang out.  or watch tv.  or whatever.  she just isn't expected to work.  i encouraged her to take sunday and make sure she was prepared with homework and such earlier.  though she has been busy, as the weeks have gone by, she has embraced this opportunity.  she even seeks to have the dishwasher done on saturday, and her laundry.  it's really sweet.  and i'm a good mama because i saw the need for rest in her.  she lies down on the couch after eating on sunday afternoon and after awhile, she is OUT.  i mean truly out...snoring out.  she takes long sunday afternoon naps.  it's so good for her.  kids are too busy.  too connected.  this is a reboot and reset day.  it helps her heart and mind.  her spirit is lighter.
life is busy around her.  busyness is not a spiritual gift.  it might even be a hindrance.  so, i released her from sunday responsibilities.  well, she did hold the ladder for me today while i took leaves out of the gutters, but that's it. :)
we spent years living in an environment where nothing was ever enough.  now, i am having to start from scratch to create what is truly healthy.
working each day a little bit around the house keeps things tidy.  i am teaching my girl.  she's getting it.
she's happy.  i love seeing her happy.
absolutely love it.
i adore her.
blessings.

thankful....just without a holiday

i am most assuredly thankful.  i see blessings and beauty all around.  so very deeply grateful.  however, after some deep thought.  after two phone calls that changed things.  one that said that some people would be doing something else this year and one that my son wanted to plan something with the kids and their dad this year....well, i started thinking.  and i decided to give the holiday to my kids with their dad. my heart just aches too much to try to make it happen.  though i am thankful and though i said that we'd spend some kind of fun day during the week off.  i mean, two sit down same kind meals aren't really necessary to have a good time.
i just feel like i'm always expected to bounce back and make it happen on everyone's terms.  and the thing is that....i don't have to.  my daughter is thrilled with the idea.  one son seemed like it was an inconvenience, but i don't know why since it was what he asked me.  i just didn't comply with working around and making two thanksgiving days happen.
i love my family.  i love my friends.  but, i also love me, and i don't think that my heart should be forced to sit and act like everything is great when in reality, it's just hard.  my traditions of friends for the holiday got shot.  my friends were my family.  i just don't want to figure it in a new way this year.  i'm not mad.  i'm not even too troubled.  i just know that i want a great week off and i don't want to dread it.
yes, i'm thankful.  yes, i know that my life is truly wonderful.  yes, i see good.  no, i don't want to deny this pain and fake it.  maybe next year it will be better.  maybe by next year i will be more accustomed to the loss.  but for this year, i'm not.  and it's ok for me to be where  i am.  i don't have to fake it.
everyone else is asking/telling what they want or need.  now, i need to remember to do the same.
blessings.

learning......still

i had an epiphany this morning.  again.
as my daughter and i were getting ready to go out to breakfast...as i invited the closest thing she has to an aunt in our state....as i fell out of bed and threw on clothes for our new "tradition"....it came to me.  this going out time is not about eating nor spending money nor being out.  it's a time away from routine and distractions to connect with people.  what i love about first getting to know people is how you take time and go to coffee, breakfast or a late night pie. it's all to do with my personality.  ilove the hanging out, the being in homes, the chaos that is life......but i have trouble in the chaos sharing and  seeing and being seen.  i need the time away.  to give my heart.  to reconnect.  that's what is nice with my girl these breakfast days.  we are away.  we aren't rushing.  we aren't drawn to a phone or an ipad or chores.  we are seated.  ordering.  waiting for food.  eating.  people watching.  present.  and it is something i am going to need all of my life with people who want to be in my life.
for others it's weird.  it's different.  for me it's just part of who i am.  i need to be still with people i care about.  i need to give and receive....to connect.
these epiphany's that come are fun.
so many years i spent finding what others needed and even why.  i spent the time trying to do that and be that.  but now, though there still isn't anyone to give me encouragement about growing and becoming myself, i can do it.
this all came in the aftermath of blundering through yet another relational faux pas.  i made an assumption about an upcoming holiday.  made plans.  talked to my kids.  then, i realized that the arrangements that i was thinking of were based on my assumptions of "family"...of past years.  i assumed.  i thought i understood the relationship.  and when i realized my error, i was totally embarrassed.  and stunned.  and aware that somehow, i had managed to allow myself to think "family" when i had no right.  the thing is that i have no right anywhere.  and so, i forget.  i forget that for others blood means more than the years and that i am not a for sure in the forever realm because i'm not family.  i'm in the "maybe" realm.  i'm in the case by case position.  and that has to be ok.  it is what is true.  but it was humiliating.  the feeling of when someone smiles big, waves, walks towards you and you respond enthusiastically.....only to realize that they were looking at the person past you.  oops.
so, my epiphany was good.  even though i realized yet again that extended family of aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters is never going to be for me.  even though i had to realize that while i have given my whole heart to relationships that have been nurtured over many years.  even though thre's nobody that feels the same way.  even though i felt completely dumb.  i am not dumb.  i am just me.  and there are things about me that are strange or different.  and those who want to be with me will be.  and those who don't won't be.  but, either way, i have to be with me every day and i have to be ok with who i am.
and though i ache with a sense of rejection and of the feeling of shame of having to tell my kids that i pretty much failed on that whole extended family thing and that i was dead wrong on how the holidays would go, i still want to be me.
i'm a nice breakfast companion.
i am good at being present.
i am kind.
i give my whole heart and keep on giving.  even when it hurts.   it's weird, but it's true.  you'd think i'd never risk again.  but it's who i am.  i love my few close people.  i'm not popular.  i'm not admired by the masses.  i don't attract dozens. i'm really only good with a few.  it's because i care so deeply and am so introverted that i can't do it with everyone in the world
so, i'm still learning.  and at moments i get frustrated with who i am because who i am means having to grieve not getting to have some of what i long for.
but i've done my best.  i will keep making choices towards those i love.  even if my love for them says family and theirs towards me says something else.  that's reality..  i can't fill a need they don't have.  i can't ask for more than they want to give. and i certainly don't want fake.
so, i'll cry......even sob.  then i'll pull on my big girl panties and keep on going.
i was made who i am.  i have to be her.  i GET to be her.  but sometimes i wish that there was some outside encouragement along the way...
blessings.
be you.  be brave.  be loved.

finding balance

work is busy.  teaching is a unique career in that you could literally work all of the time and have no time for anything else.  really.
but i have decided to make choices.  and not to feel guilty.  if i work until after 6 pm,then there is no scenario where i should have to ALSO go home and work.  even if it's just a "little grading" while watching tv.
it's ok to just be.  to rest.  to relax.  to putter around my house for my own pleasure.
and teachers struggle with this.  there are unending deadlines.  loads of cares.  but we are nothing without rest and relaxation.
so.
finding balance.
it's my choice.
i want to work hard.
and i want to be whole.
so i choose rest and things that help me grow.
now, i also have to write a novel by the end of the month with some of my students.
no problem. right?
ha.
oh well, we are having a good time trying.
blessings.

live

i am loving my busy, crazy, intense, wonderful life.  i laugh and play so very much.  and i am learning to let go of what is not healthy to hang onto.  of what is not really mine anyway.  and it brings peace.  mostly.
sometimes i still have to deal with my ex. and it's not something i relish.  it is uncomfortable.  i am not someone who likes to leave things unresolved.  so.....while divorce is a resolution....the fact is that i have to leave it without being able to understand what caused him to treat me with contempt wrapped in charm and commitment.  i don't get it. and i don't have to.  it's ok to just leave it. to not make it my responsibility to figure out anymore.
i live.  i give.  i laugh.  a lot.  i share.  i wonder.  i think.  i reboot.  but i don't have to get stuck in the past trying to fix what i couldn't in over 20 years.  i can move forward.  i can be present in the here and now not wondering what horrible thing about me made him behave how he did. because i took the blame.  i tried to change.
but now?  now, i enjoy my daughter.  a whole lot.  she is blossoming.  she is living.
now, i allow myself to be me and i get involved in things that work for me.  i encourage others.  i believe big things.  i spur people on.  it has been delicious to get to be me.  it's so easy not to have to appease all of the time.  i love living.  giving the life that was given to me.
and now...off to another day of living.  blessings!

heart

in my heart is so much.  deep love.  deep commitment.  deep giving.  deep loyalty.  so deep.  i enjoy helping others.  it's pleasurable.  it's in there.  and it's alive and well.  and i show it as i blossom these days.  but some people don't see.  don't appreciate.  don't speak kindness.  some people only want things from me.  and i want to give those things.  i stayed in marriage the same way...giving without finding that i had value to him without having to perform.
so, now i struggle.  i try to use my words.  to say how i feel.  but it comes out squeaky and harsh.  not how i mean it.  it's the pain.  trying to get the feelings past the pain.  it's hard.  words for what i mean are almost impossible. not because they can't be said but because they would be a surprise to others.  they are a surprise to others.  it makes them think i'm mad when i'm just confused.  and hurt.  some people in my current life seem to like me even when i am just me...nothing to give.  just myself.  but then, they are just acquaintances.  so i'm in no man's land.
the people that i love, respect and have allowed to see the depths of my heart need me to be what i was.  and i can't.  i just can't.  i want to be a giver.  i like being a giver.  but i also want to be able to express misgivings in a conversation without feeling badly.  to have dialogue.  it's difficult. not impossible though. i have faith that i'll get through it.  that i'll love still.  even when people don't understand.  or see.
in my heart.  in the most true place.  in the reality.  i love.  and i am loved.  even if i am struggling to figure out how to set my boundaries.  to love others and to also love myself.  to express my needs.  i'm pretty lousy at it but i know that i won't give up.  and i don't think that they'll give up either.because though it hurts me more because it feels like how my ex treated me, i know that it's different.  it's how they learned to treat me because it's how i had to be in life with him.
change takes heart.  some say to give up. they tell me if people don't call or invite me then they are done with me.  but maybe not.  maybe it's just growing pains.  i have heart.  i know the One who heals.  and maybe it will all work out.
heart full of hope.
blessings.