Dear Ex,
You wrote and asked me if it's ok for you to go to the next level in your dating. You referred to my having given you "permission" to date when we were yet just separated. You said that you had waited months to do so. Wow, it strikes me now that you waited months when I waited for decades for you to decide that I was worth cherishing. I waiting for years for you to find value in who I am. I waited for hours night after night for you to come home after you were off of work. Hours. With kids. Day after day. And the years before that, in the night, I would lie awake wondering why you weren't home yet. Afraid that you had come to harm. Until many years had gone by and then, guiltily, I would wonder if it wouldn't just be easier if you didn't come home. Divorce wasn't an option. I lived a life of severe unhappiness. I lived with someone that I longed to share life with but then found that you "commitment" to me didn't involve any value on my part. I wasn't held in esteem. I was treated as if you were ashamed of me. As, indeed you were.
Now, you want my blessing to move on. You moved on years ago. You abandoned me when our children were small. You lived your own life with your own activities. You met your obligations but refused to connect with your children and I in an emotional way. You showed us off. You took pride in what we accomplished. You tssked when we failed. But you did not claim us in your heart of hearts. Even when you left for good, you did not make room in your life for your children. You did not give them your heart. Instead, you looked for sympathy and worked to gather people to be on your side. You did not own your actions with your children with actions even if you did allude to it with words. You let me carry the brunt of their pain. You let me carry the responsibility. You let me help them heal. You continued what you began years ago....you lived as you chose without thought of those you said you loved. You cared for your own wants and needs without getting involved in the mess that is growing up. You let outsiders think that you had been simply wronged. You acted as if you didn't know what had happened. You didn't own your emotional abuse. Your lack of compassion for those in your family. You didn't own the fact that you CHOSE to live somewhere that they were not welcome. Instead, as was the habit of years, you let me bear the blame alone. And, I have.
I have spent these years apart not looking for a new relationship with someone else, but for a new relationship with myself. It has taken this very long time for me to feel safe and more confident. It has taken a lot of introspection and questioning to help me see what I did to contribute to the end of our marriage. I have had to see which things were sin and which were simply things that I didn't understand yet....and forgive myself for each. Now, I am learning to live in the world as a child of God without searching for fulfillment elsewhere in the realm of marriage because I know that I really did do the best that I could at the time. I know that I thought that you would value me and I was devastated when I saw how you would let me take the fall in front of others to save yourself. Devastated. Beyond reason. Crushed. Because I gave you my whole self. And you took it. And then you let me know that it wasn't really very great. That you hadn't found me beautiful. That you found my housekeeping, money handling, and personality shameful. I wasn't the girl from back home that you had thought you would marry. I had been a novelty, but more like a souvenir than a treasure. You put me aside once the newness wore off. Once you were done showing me off and how you had married someone so "different", I became someone you tolerated. I was reduced to living life being expected to be thankful that you were so committed. That you were such a decent man that you did not leave. That you were so good.
A relationship is not meant to be like that. It is so much more.
So, in this new relationship, with an old girlfriend, are you ready to make her smile every day? Are you willing to be your own comfort and wants aside and make her feel like she is worth it? Are your ready to own what went wrong in your past so that you don't carry it into your future? She deserves it. With your family, never hang her out to dry. Stand for her. Stand beside her. If need be, stand in front of her. Value who she is and not just what she offers you.
If you are ready to do that, move on.
But don't move past. Remember. And in remembering, love well. Love when it's not about what's in it for you.
You are self centered. No, really, you were self centered with me. Narcissistic. Self preserving. With me, life was all about your wants and needs. And I'm good at doing that. But I shouldn't have done it. And you shouldn't have asked it of me. So, give her better.
And don't do it at my expense. Just don't.
blessings. be free. be happy. and....
i'm sorry that it didn't work, but i'm happy that we aren't faking it anymore. truth is way better than fake. even when it's painful and ugly.
You wrote and asked me if it's ok for you to go to the next level in your dating. You referred to my having given you "permission" to date when we were yet just separated. You said that you had waited months to do so. Wow, it strikes me now that you waited months when I waited for decades for you to decide that I was worth cherishing. I waiting for years for you to find value in who I am. I waited for hours night after night for you to come home after you were off of work. Hours. With kids. Day after day. And the years before that, in the night, I would lie awake wondering why you weren't home yet. Afraid that you had come to harm. Until many years had gone by and then, guiltily, I would wonder if it wouldn't just be easier if you didn't come home. Divorce wasn't an option. I lived a life of severe unhappiness. I lived with someone that I longed to share life with but then found that you "commitment" to me didn't involve any value on my part. I wasn't held in esteem. I was treated as if you were ashamed of me. As, indeed you were.
Now, you want my blessing to move on. You moved on years ago. You abandoned me when our children were small. You lived your own life with your own activities. You met your obligations but refused to connect with your children and I in an emotional way. You showed us off. You took pride in what we accomplished. You tssked when we failed. But you did not claim us in your heart of hearts. Even when you left for good, you did not make room in your life for your children. You did not give them your heart. Instead, you looked for sympathy and worked to gather people to be on your side. You did not own your actions with your children with actions even if you did allude to it with words. You let me carry the brunt of their pain. You let me carry the responsibility. You let me help them heal. You continued what you began years ago....you lived as you chose without thought of those you said you loved. You cared for your own wants and needs without getting involved in the mess that is growing up. You let outsiders think that you had been simply wronged. You acted as if you didn't know what had happened. You didn't own your emotional abuse. Your lack of compassion for those in your family. You didn't own the fact that you CHOSE to live somewhere that they were not welcome. Instead, as was the habit of years, you let me bear the blame alone. And, I have.
I have spent these years apart not looking for a new relationship with someone else, but for a new relationship with myself. It has taken this very long time for me to feel safe and more confident. It has taken a lot of introspection and questioning to help me see what I did to contribute to the end of our marriage. I have had to see which things were sin and which were simply things that I didn't understand yet....and forgive myself for each. Now, I am learning to live in the world as a child of God without searching for fulfillment elsewhere in the realm of marriage because I know that I really did do the best that I could at the time. I know that I thought that you would value me and I was devastated when I saw how you would let me take the fall in front of others to save yourself. Devastated. Beyond reason. Crushed. Because I gave you my whole self. And you took it. And then you let me know that it wasn't really very great. That you hadn't found me beautiful. That you found my housekeeping, money handling, and personality shameful. I wasn't the girl from back home that you had thought you would marry. I had been a novelty, but more like a souvenir than a treasure. You put me aside once the newness wore off. Once you were done showing me off and how you had married someone so "different", I became someone you tolerated. I was reduced to living life being expected to be thankful that you were so committed. That you were such a decent man that you did not leave. That you were so good.
A relationship is not meant to be like that. It is so much more.
So, in this new relationship, with an old girlfriend, are you ready to make her smile every day? Are you willing to be your own comfort and wants aside and make her feel like she is worth it? Are your ready to own what went wrong in your past so that you don't carry it into your future? She deserves it. With your family, never hang her out to dry. Stand for her. Stand beside her. If need be, stand in front of her. Value who she is and not just what she offers you.
If you are ready to do that, move on.
But don't move past. Remember. And in remembering, love well. Love when it's not about what's in it for you.
You are self centered. No, really, you were self centered with me. Narcissistic. Self preserving. With me, life was all about your wants and needs. And I'm good at doing that. But I shouldn't have done it. And you shouldn't have asked it of me. So, give her better.
And don't do it at my expense. Just don't.
blessings. be free. be happy. and....
i'm sorry that it didn't work, but i'm happy that we aren't faking it anymore. truth is way better than fake. even when it's painful and ugly.
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