hope

i am full of hope.  each and every day.  it amazes me.  it beats with my heart...actually, i think that my heart beats to it.  and though my health is worrisome, though there are too many things i have left to do, i am hopeful.  i'm looking for my place in southern italy.  my place in the pacific northwest.  i dream.  i plan.  i. hope.  inexplicably.  against odds.  i hope.  always.
it is a blessed gift.  god is real.  he is the instiller of hope.  breath by breath.
and i inhale it.  deeply.  letting it fill my cells.
goodness.
beauty.
excellence.
hope.
yes.
i say yes to hope.
blessings.

recovery

i am having trouble getting back on my feet again.  my hospital stay was amazingly costly and not beneficial at all.  i went on antibiotics and feel better,, but at the end of the ten days, i'm still not even close to "well".  i'm trying so hard, but i am totally worn out.  knocked on my butt worn out.  i fake it pretty good.  i can be polite.  but, today, i felt ill about the thought of going back to school...and i like my job!  i just don't know how i'm going to keep going five days in a row.  really.  and i am determined.  i actually looked for easier jobs today and was applying.
the hospital stay is still hurting me.  a lot.  my veins feel....sore.  My arm hurts where I had the catheterization.  i am totally exhausted.  rest doesn't fix it...though it helps.
recovery is taking time.  and i feel like i'm on a time clock...which is stressful.
but instead, i'm going to breathe and rest i'm going to take the time i have and be thankful that i have it.  i don't have anywhere to complain.  i am just trying to remain upbeat.  trying to be my get'er done self.  and usually, even with the pain and tiredness i have faced over the years, i have been able to pull it off.  right now?  i'm walking on the precipice and hoping not to fall off.
pray for me.
blessings.

content with what is real

i have learned so much.  learned to let go.  learned to be present.  learned to enjoy what actually IS...not what i wish was.
learned.
but there are those quiet moments when grief is necessary.  the fact that there are always going to be those people in our lives that we value more.  those that like us ok, but don't hear our hearts.  or those who push away in seasons.  it happens.  it's life.
and there are choices to make at that point.  i have chosen.  i choose to be content.  i choose to be happy.  i choose joy.  i choose.  but, i also choose to be real with myself.  i choose to allow myself to grieve the loss.  to admit that it IS loss.  to be honest with myself.  and to know that there's not something wrong with me when others don't choose me...or seek me....it's ok.  i am enough.  as i am.  how i am.  what i am.  in no way perfect.  just me.  and me alone is still ok.
i miss having my friends that were family.  sometimes it aches.  but that's how it is.  and it's ok to go on and be happy still.  it's ok to wonder.  truly ok.
and i am peaceful.  full of joy.  hopeful.
i am content with what is real.
what is real is worth facing.
because there is beauty in life.  in the glorious mess of life, there is the best of all beauty.
blessings.

a pic is worth a thousand words

in the last few days, my ex posted his pic with his girlfriend.  yesterday he posted an explanation about the "cute blond" with him.  and suddenly it all fell into place.  i realized that sense that he was never happy with me.  and wishing to do anything so that he would be happy because i loved him.  and he is.  and somehow, though he left a lot unfinished with this family, it's ok.  and, i always knew in my heart that if i was gone that it wouldn't take him long to find someone else.  

so, seeing the pic was a good thing.  a gift.

god is good.  all of the time.

blessings.

church

went into church on sunday to get my kids.  saw people who used to be nice to me.  it was hard with one.  someone i respect.  he was curt with me in my reaching out.  pushed by me.  when i put my hand on his arm to say hello, he barely stopped.  enough to be civil.  his wife enveloped me in a hug though.  sometimes i don't understand the "fairness".  but i wasn't crushed this time.  i was resigned.  i was able to see how i just need to be authentic and let things be.
and as i sit here in the hospital, i wonder, what is the church?  who is the church?  am i still part of the church.  i think so.  i know so.  but it can be pretty tough sometimes to find your place in the family.
i hope that whoever is part of my church is praying for me today.  really do.  but not so sure.  i am stressed.  and yet, i am also at peace.  so weird.  my stress comes from empathy for my family.  i hurt that they worry.  i don't want them to have to feel this.  but whatever happens ever in our lives, my father has them.  he's got it.  period.
lessons from the bed are many.
blessings.

long night

i annoyed a cardiologist today by asking questions.  asking to forego a procedure until we knew if i had something else wrong....you know, since i didn't think i was a cardiac patient until a few days ago.  hard to wrap my mind around.  i don't understand.  even though i've had heaviness in my chest and shortness of breath, it doesn't feel like i should be my heart.
but, tomorrow, i've said that i'd do the test.  it's scary.  i am alone.  doctors won't tell me what to do.  no friends around.  kids can't tell me what to do.  i have to decide.  it does scare me, but being here means i should get information.  i should know as much as possible.  my stomach was biopsied.  my blood pressure is crazy low.
my antibiotics helped me feel overall better.  but still...
it's time to do it most likely.
my prayer has been for wisdom.  hard to just pray alone.  but, it is what it is.  god sees.  god hears.  my family knows i love them fully.  my friends too.
now, if i could just find the hair band that i brought with me to the hospital....
blessings.

through the tears

sometimes my greatest visions have come through the tears.  my tears.  others' tears.  sometimes it takes tears to act as a magnifying glass of the painful things....and the happy things as well.

here i sit.  second bout in the hospital.  sat here with a friend for awhile  it was nice.  she is calm and easy.  sat here a long while just me.  i wished i'd asked my friend to sit on my bed with me.  i need connection.  need comfort.  it's really hard for me to ask for.  but i've been trying to ask for what i need

through the tears, grief spills out.  through the tears, happiness is baptized.  tears are real. they communicate.

i lost it today.  sobbing trying to talk.  trying to be heard.  my tears unlocked a sense of taking care.  my tears boiled over unchecked.  i apologized, i tried to hold it back, tried to stop the current.  but, i could not.  not while living truthfully.

sometimes tears get us to absolute truth.  that moment when everything else is stripped away

through the tears.
jesus wept.
he knew.
he knows.
he's here.
and he sent a friend to remind me.
blessings.

little things

today i heard the words, "you're a bad influence".....granted, i had just said shitty.  it was in context.  it was about my day.  and, seeing as how i'm in a hospital and stressed and sad and whatever....but, later i heard my response, "you'll have to find some better friends."  and i realize that it feels like most of my friends already have and that just maybe it's because of how i am.  maybe saying shitty or having my glass of wine is offensive.  it was an aha moment.  not a great one, but a necessary one.  what to do?  well, i will probably keep saying shitty.  sometimes. i don't curse in every sentence.  or in every conversation.  or even every day.  but, i do curse.  sometimes.  maybe i won't always, but for now, i do.
and if little things push people away from the bigness of the whole of who i am, then i just have to let go.  i spent too long...too damn long.....living under the false piety.  under the realm of how things appear.  i guess i don't appear so savory anymore.
but i'm ok.
it's hours later.  head is killing me.  chest hurts.  i just am bad at telling/calling people in.
i just want to go home.
ok.done whining.  but i wish someone could explain for me.  then i could quit feeling stupid.

keeping short accounts

i am getting older.
and, i am more firmly convinced than ever that i want to keep short accounts of wrongs done or words that need to be said.
i need to say what matters. i need to do it for no other reason than the fact that i never know if i'll get another chance.  i remind myself often.  i would rather err on the side of too much and have something happen to me knowing that my heart towards others was known.  i want the ones i love to understand the depth and solidness of the love.  i want them to know how much and how freely god loves them.  no when or if...he loves them...now...forever.
i want to ask questions.  to see people.
i want to say when i've messed up.
i want to do acts of kindness.
i want to be generous.
and the thing is that i don't want to do it to get anything out of it. well, i want the peace of mind that if the interaction is our last interaction then it was meaningful.  i want the sense of calm that comes to me from expressing someone's value.
people are not valued often enough.  and even when they are, they sometimes don't realize it because it is not expressed.
those that we are closest to seem to get the remnants...the dregs.  not just our family, but our friends.  i want to remember that it matters to give a good and kind word.  i want to show in my life that the ones i know and who are in my circle of influence are truly valued.
and if i die, i want the memory to be that i took the time to say that i cared.  may people say and show that they care while there is still time.
blessings.

crushed but not done

today, my hopes were crushed.  oh, nothing huge.  life is not over.  however....somehow...it was very big for my heart.  i was in need.  i needed not to be a mama.  not to be a teacher.  just for awhile, i needed to be just me.  i needed to have real conversation.  i needed to hear real stuff.  hopes.  dreams.  what's going on.  not work.  not even kids.  just....life.  and i gave it my best shot.  but somehow i missed it.  i reached out.  i tried to ask things that were conversation starting.  but, there wasn't time.  there wasn't reciprocation.  it was like i was trying to force something when it used to be so easy.  and it hurt me.  not in a crying boo hoo poor me kind of way....in a tender spot in my soul.
suddenly, i realized how alone i am.
i single parent.
i am there for coworkers.
i am there for friends.
i am there for my older kids.
i am there.
but i am not seen.
i am truly
alone.
i mean, i have people who tell me to have a nice weekend.  i have people who let me know what they need or help to pick up my daughter.  but as far as any depth.  i don't have anyone who checks on my heart.
i'm learning to take care of it.  i'm learning to love my heart.
to be kind to my heart.
but something in me felt squashed today.  like i had hoped....but it ended up feeling more like assuming.  like i assumed that there would be connection.  i assumed that there would be time.
and there wasn't.
at first i was hard on myself, "what is it about me?  what have i done or not done?  why am i on the outside?"  but then it was ok.  i know that i can only be me where i am. how i am.  i can't fix it all.  i can't be what everyone wants
and it hurts
because i wish.
and i
by nature
keep hoping.
and i keep missing
and i keep thinking that i must be wrong
that surely i haven't fallen away from the view of those who once cared so much.
just how it is.
and it's not that i don't feel loved.
it's not that i feel wronged.
i just feel
unnecessary
to people who used to be my friends.
i don't feel unliked
i feel
fine
but nothing spectacular
i don't feel special or treasured
and that is the root of it.
because i believed that i was.
i believed that i had the best friends ever.
i believed that they would always seek me out.
that they would be a part of my life always.
and they are a part
just differently.
so, i'll just keep loving
and learning
and living
and i will keep hoping
though i will try to get better at not assuming
they don't deserve that
they don't deserve to feel like i have expectations
because i love them
period
how it was
how it is
so
i felt crushed
oh well
i'm not done.
blessings

on being loved

i am loved.  not always first.   not always how i wish.  or dream.  not always as family.  yet, still, loved.  and sometimes it catches me off guard.  takes my words away.  gets my tear ducts moving.  loved.  cared about.  seen.
someone tonight reached out with empathy and kindness about me being feverish and sick.  so very kind.  brought me to tears.  i'm not used to it.
and for thanksgiving, when i thought that my son and i were going to be flying solo, an invite came.  not the first choice.  asked because plans fell through.  but, asked.  and i was nearly unable to respond.  how it could be that i am so blessed.  and i have changed so much.  it's ok that i'm not always chosen.  it's ok if i come later on the list.  it's ok.   i am still loved.
and at work, there are a few that i know genuinely care.  deeply.  not just the professional relationships, but some that see me.  get me.  reach out.  and it is profoundly wonderful.
being loved is soothing. calming.  being loved nurtures my soul.  it comes when i least expect it.
i am at ease with love these days.  i am affectionate and kind.  i give gentleness to others.  i reach out.  i do it without assuming that i'll get anything in return.  and, often, i do not.  that's ok.  i am whole.  i am complete.  god is the other piece.  i am just made more filled by others.  more rounded out.  and i love that.
i wrote to the aunt that doesn't write me.  just well wishes.
didn't get much in return, but it was who i am to reach out.  so, i did.
life is beautiful.  it's short.  i love reaching out.
now, i'm a sick puppy.  need to sleep.
blessings.