little things

today i heard the words, "you're a bad influence".....granted, i had just said shitty.  it was in context.  it was about my day.  and, seeing as how i'm in a hospital and stressed and sad and whatever....but, later i heard my response, "you'll have to find some better friends."  and i realize that it feels like most of my friends already have and that just maybe it's because of how i am.  maybe saying shitty or having my glass of wine is offensive.  it was an aha moment.  not a great one, but a necessary one.  what to do?  well, i will probably keep saying shitty.  sometimes. i don't curse in every sentence.  or in every conversation.  or even every day.  but, i do curse.  sometimes.  maybe i won't always, but for now, i do.
and if little things push people away from the bigness of the whole of who i am, then i just have to let go.  i spent too long...too damn long.....living under the false piety.  under the realm of how things appear.  i guess i don't appear so savory anymore.
but i'm ok.
it's hours later.  head is killing me.  chest hurts.  i just am bad at telling/calling people in.
i just want to go home.
ok.done whining.  but i wish someone could explain for me.  then i could quit feeling stupid.