Never too far for grace

Someone who commented on my facebook post said that I say that I want to live in grace but that it doesn't mesh with God's plan since I am saying that I want to move forward with grace and divorce at the same time.  I am realizing that I have had to learn some really hard truths.  One is that I am never too far to receive grace and I am never too far to share grace.  It has nothing to do with sin.  Because grace exists because there is sin.  I don't mean that we should sin willy nilly and just say "grace covers it".  But, we sin.  Period.  Intentionally.  Unintentionally.  Continually.  Habitually.  By what we do.  Fail to do.  Want to do.  In thought.  In action.  In inaction.  I am learning what a sinful being I truly am.  And how God already knew that and met me there.  How grace looked ugly...a cross.  A death.  A burial.  But finally glorious.  I can't say I get it.  Feels like I see this wee bit.  But what I can say is that I CAN and I WILL learn to live out grace.  I will give it.  I will receive it.  And I gave it to my husband over and over.  And in a way that is difficult to explain, I am giving it to him even now.  Because I am keeping him from committing anymore painful acts against me.  And that is kind.  To stop bad things from happening.  And it is kind to speak truth.  Not always pleasant.  But I think that until the church gets the idea that God gets all of the ugly broken things in the world and doesn't need them covered up or hidden....until it is safe to talk about them.....the church will be a place that people who are hurting have to flee from in order to heal.  That saddens me.  If my story can help people move from legalistic, in a box, ideals to seeing people right where they are with eyes of love...then, my story can be used.  Will be used.  May it be so.
blessings.

A bit of attitude

Well, I guess that fearless is going to mean that I have a bit of attitude for awhile.  I re-posted my facebook note about my not being married anymore today.  Yes, I did it.  Though the comments and thoughts were not all positive.  I decided that I don't care.  People can think what they want.  It doesn't change where I am.  It doesn't define me nor make my story different.  And just maybe...maybe in the talking/writing/reading about things...maybe something will happen that will help others along the way.
blessings.

FEARLESS

How then shall I live?  Shall I live an authentic, daring, free, fearless life?  Or, shall I remain imprisoned by the thoughts, actions, hurts, judgements of others? It seems like a silly question.  And yet, it's harder than I would think.  Being free.  Unentangled.  Able to fly.  Able to try.  Able to risk.  But, it is what I am called to be.  Called.  Can it be?  Me?  One who has chosen to part from her husband.  Can God use me?  Really use me?  My story?  My pain?
I want to fearlessly pursue what He has for me.  It's going to be hard because in the fearlessness, some others will rush to thinking that I am inconsiderate or unkind.  Or that it wasn't a hard decision for me.  Or that I don't have pain.
Yet.  It calls to me.  This fearlessness.  This brazenly bold call to thrive and not just survive.
I want it.  I long for it.  I trust God for it.
But I have a habit of holding back.  Of waiting.  Of being scared.  Of caring too much.  Not in the good way...but in the way that holds me prisoner to the thoughts of others.

I want to be FEARLESS.  Daily.  Completely.  Joyfully.  

Stood for

I stood up and tried to explain myself a bit to the woman who was calling me out about how I wrote my "I'm not married anymore" post.  She was ok in writing her thoughts, but I didn't want to just leave them.  I wanted to be as clear as possible.  She didn't write back again, but others were so encouraging.  Not about being pro divorce, but about loving people, about loving me.....that is a nice thing.  I know that I fall way short.  Know that I don't have  it all together.  I just need to be cared for where I am.
It was hard to write.  It was hard to leave it.  But my word.....FEARLESS....keeps galloping through my mind and heart.  The hoofbeats resounding with the reminder to keep going because there is nothing to be afraid of.
blessings.

Or a woman. ;)  My heart is racing.  I want to delete my social network post.  I have one person who is "calling me out".  I responded.  My prayer is that maybe my voice will help someone else to know that she is not alone.  I am so tired of the pain being hidden by "religion".  Hurts my heart.
blessings

Brave or Stupid

I wrote a note on a social network today saying that I'm single, that I chose it, that I recognize that others might have a problem with it, that I want to just put it out there to let people know where/who I am.......I did my best to tell only my part of the story.  To not do anything that would harm my kids because they can read it.  Nor other young people.  I wasn't desiring people to agree or disagree.  I just needed to let them have the chance to stay or go.
Brave or stupid?  I'm not really sure.  I just know that it was time.  I needed to come out of hiding.  For me.  For my kids.  For the sake of being able to walk around town or into church without having to tell each and every person.  They don't have to like me.  They don't have to not like me.  But, I realized....they do have to choose something.  Stay, go, silent, speaking.  What is difficult is that knowing means having to make some kind of choice.  And their choices will affect me.  That's just how it is.  That's ok.  I'm determined to go fearlessly forward in my life.  To live as if I am fearless.  Even when I am not there yet.  I will be.
Perfect love casts out fear.  God's love.  He gets it.  He comforts.  He sends comfort.  And I get that He also judges.  I will not stand before Him righteous in my own actions....only by Jesus.  For each and every thought, action, deed, misdeed, inaction.  Every single one.  The total accumulation of a life of an unrighteous woman.  With her only hope being Jesus.  Period.  But in the circles I have placed myself, divorce is worse than other things. Perhaps worse than adultery.  Certainly worse than dishonoring your parents. Sarcasm  implied.
Life is complex.  Maybe I wrote for a wrong reason.  But, I don't think so. I wrote to be open.  To risk.  To live fearlessly.
On I go.
blessings.

Peeking Out

I was invisible for a long time in my life.  Hidden.  I'm peeking out again.  I'm finding that it's safe to come out.  He hasn't changed.  But, I have gained strength.  I am going to be able to shine.  Eventually.  Life gets really hard.  Yesterday I could barely function.  And yet....there remains...hope...grace that comes in the moment I need it.  Kindness around me.  Friends to walk along.  And slowly, I am learning to use my words.  To say when I'm hurt.  Don't always make sense.  But, there I am...peeking out.  Smiling.  Life is good.
blessings.

Looking forward.

I want to be alive to things that matter.

Weird

It's just weird that my ex is in communication with my aunt and uncle from Japan.  He even was going to see them if they happened to be in TX at the same time as him and the kids.  I had written him early on about how hurtful and irritating it was for him to jump start a relationship with them when they are my family.  But, he has them on his side.  He lets everyone know to pray for me.  For my emotions.  For how I am deceived.  I have heard a few things from different places....so I know that they are coming from him.  He denied sharing with them.  But, tonight my daughter let me know that they are in the states.  That dad had said that if they stayed in TX longer they would have seen them.  Awkward.  To put it mildly.  How odd to me.  How hurtful.  How unkind.  With malice.  Letting them go.  How sad.
I managed to make it through this day.  He had to come here to drop off the kids.  The kids had to talk about the trip.  I had to listen and ooh and aah.  I had a major meltdown before they got home...meaning I was prepped to make it when they WERE actually home.
I am looking forward to 2013.  I'm going to get better.  I know.....for sure...because this New Year was a thousand times better than last year.  It was awesome in comparison.  The stress wasn't there.  I remember last year well.  It was painful.  New year.  New habits.  New memories.
blessings.