life shift

the last months have been full of ....well, of just about everything. the loss stands out as immense.  and yet, that's not the sum total.  there has been growth.  depth.

there has been a shift in me.

and it took a long time to come.

though i was "free" from my ex, i found myself doing things to prove to myself that i was indeed free.  and finally i'm really free.  no more proving necessary.  now i have to fix some of the less than good decisions that i made during that time. debt.  weight gain.  laziness.

but finally...there's no resentment or being forced.  i am content to take the steps one at a time to get where i need to be.  no blame.  no shame.  just.......shifting.  moving my focus.  choosing more carefully for me.

and it's a very hard time.  crushing in some ways. but it is gloriously crushing.  like wine from grapes.  good is coming.  and i revel in the gift i have found again of god's love.  of peace.  of heartfelt joy.  of true relationships.  genuine.

shifting into place.  it feels good.  it feels like...........being me.  it has been a long time coming.  what a blessing in the midst of all of the struggles.

goodbye

so, there is grace and comfort even when the next thing happens.

my dear dog was gone this morning.  my heart hurts.  hurts.

i need to go to sleep.

i need to cry.

i need

to rest in the arms.

blessings

deeeeep breath

and now, in the wee hours, i am up with my elderly dog.  this last week i've been more and more aware that he is coming to the end of his life.  this morning it took him a long time to wake up.  now he is breathing oddly and whimpering at times.  i had to lift him onto his pallet.  i feel ill.  so heart sick that my body aches.
i laid by him on the floor.  he didn't even wag his tail.
tears.
and nobody to tell.
just him and me.
maybe he'll rally.
that would be good.
i need sleep.
my days are long and hard.
peace.
in the midst lord.
not when there's calm but when
the storms swirl.
please.

more more more

wow  life has been difficult financially.  not saying that it's not partly my fault.  i have not been frugal this last three years.  and........i've had a load of expenses to boot.  and as i spent the last month working on how to do better and how to be more honoring of how i should live, i have been hit with thing........after thing........after thing.  and right now i feel prett ttty low.  not the kind of low that says life is horrible.  just the kind of low where i feel somewhat defeated.  i know that the most important things are just fine.  faith.  family.  growth.  grace.  perspective is what is needed in these moments.  but i am pretty overwhelmed.  and so, i call out.  to the one who can bring peace.  who is peace.  and i confess. and i lean.
but sometimes
i get tired of being the place people lean.  i get tired. of taking responsibility when perhaps........my ex should do so.  so instead of being bitter, i'm speaking up.  but it is wearying as well.  having to deal with him.  having to do more than just survive moments.  because the wounds from him are deep and painful.  and while i have come far.......i have a distance to still go.  i still hear his criticisms in my soul.  i still find emails and communication with him painful.  tender.  talking about money with him makes me want to throw up.  feel small.
yes........i know that i made choices that mean that i'm pretty broke.  i had to be........free....for awhile.  i don't even know how to explain it just that it was part of my process.  and i had just been coming out of it and making a plan....working on how to get my life in order on all fronts when thing after thing crashes over me.  and there's nobody to turn to.  nobody to get it.  and certainly nobody to help.  no family to hear.  nobody.  and that sometimes also hits me hard.
so, here i sit.
remembering how thankful i truly am.
my children are alive.
and healthy.
and fed.
and we have a roof over our heads.
and i think about what if those things weren't true.
and i have this kernel of peace living deep inside me that is such a blessed gift.  a sense of knowing that the god of all has every bit of my life planned.  that he will hold me.  even when i'm completely childish.  and he doesn't hate me.  i finally got to that place.  and i'm hoping that my ex can't take it away from me.......again.  trust.  deep deep trust in the deep deep love of jesus.  trust that allows sleep.  trust that allows truth.  trust that carries and calms.
and i don't even know how i would explain to anyone that it's as if i had to get there and actually experience that deep acceptance and grace again before i could move past it.  i don't recommend it, but it's where i was.  and where i am?  a bit tearful.  a tad stressed.  but strangely looking forward to his answers and seeing that he won't withhold his love from me.  yes...consequences but not as punishment.  more of a gentle prodding to a life that is more satisfying.  i love that about my father in heaven.
so while more
more
more comes
it never
ever

ever
exceeds his grace or sustaining power.
i
can
rest


because i've never been in control anyway.............

25th unanniversary

i thought that i'd stay married.  thought that there would be a big party for my 25th.  i thought that somehow it would eventually be healthy, safe, and yes, i even thought that happy was possible.  i believed that it could be.  and it could.  if he had wanted it.  but he wanted things i couldn't be.  i tried.  i wanted it so badly.  wanted a family that was whole and full of fn and dreams.  i wanted a family that encouraged and built up.  and, i have one.  he's just not in it.
today would have been 25 years.  twenty five.  that's a lot.  i married half of my life ago.  and i don't regret divorce.  i don't regret the decision to live.  but still, it saddens me.  it will always be a loss.  it was a failure.  i'm learning that the marriage failed but that i'm not a failure.  i didn't get that all right, but i do not have to be defined for the rest of my life as a failure.
i began a health goal.  i have an app for it. :)  i like to check things off.  and, this app allows that.  so, i'll do it. i want to lose 40 pounds.  really do.  i want to feel great.  i want to be able to hike and walk and maybe even run.  i want to live.  really live.  in a healthy way...physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  so, on this unanniversary i began.
i walked well over 10000 steps.  i worked hard. i ate and kept track of what i ate so that i can see trends and count calories.  i love to eat and i want to make it so that i can.
do i miss being married?  not how it was.  i don't miss the stress nor the meanness.  i don't miss the constant drama and discord.  but i miss having someone else to do some of the work. guess that is not much to miss, but sometimes, it feels huge.  today i trimmed trees and watered and gardened and began digging out to make a patio.  i worked for hours.  and, while it was satisfying,there was a part of me that was like, "how is it that you left me with all of the work of raising the kids and making a home?"  he got off pretty easy.but i got what means the most.  i got....the family. all of the work, heartache, training, difficulty, messiness, yes.  but also, all of the growth, learning, laughter and absolute joy.
i don't regret where i am.  but, i am saddened that no matter how hard i worked, prayed, was willing to change......he just wasn't happy.  i regret not being able to reach someone whom i loved.  not being able to be seen.  or valued.  it was a long life together.  seemed so very long.  now, time rushes by so quickly.
joy comes.  it fills.  and though there is sadness intermingled, i will always be thankful that god allowed me an escape route.  that he met me in my deep grief.
so today, i celebrate that i was faithful.  that i loved.  that i have forgiven.  that i have been carried and shown how to live.  how to be at peace.  how to be free.
25 years ago.  mercy.  that seems like such a long time.
blessings.

Memories

A colleague/friend lost her only son today...suddenly and unexpectedly.  He was in middle school.  She had quit her job at the end of the year to have more time with him and more time with family.  She made memories all over the place.  The three of them traveled and went places and explored.  They lived.
And I realized again why it's so important to me to seize each moment with my family.  To reach out to them and go places and make memories.  I love my kids.  Travel is so integral to our good memories.  Trips.  Adventures.  And this day just solidified for me the "why" of that.  Because....you never know which day or which memory will be the last and you want to leave amazing ones.  Times shared.  Imprints on the heart.  Traditions.  Experiences.  Joys.
It matters to me.  Deeply.
To live without regret.
blessings.

fearless

i sat this afternoon on my bed and stared at the sign on my wall: "fearless".  and i contemplated it.  i was having a going away party tonight for my son's family....with my three grandkids.  they are moving to iowa.  and yesterday i realized that i should invite my ex....it's a big deal that they are moving...it's a family deal....so, i texted him and asked if he'd be interested in coming.  he asked what he should bring.  he brought bread.  i wish that it was easier for me.  i try hard to do the brave thing...the right thing...the good thing.  but this was difficult.  because old habits die hard.  i felt.....invisible again.  different than i usually do.  but i did it anyway.  i worked hard most of the day to get ready, but planned in some reflect and rest time in the middle.  it helped me to be prepared.

he has boundary trouble.  he came.  he stayed after everyone else had left.  and i know that he misses it.  i know that he's not evil incarnate.  i know that he's a person who feels.  i know that he lost a lot.  but it's still hard for me.  three years later and it's still hard.  i'm healing, but being with him pushes me into an awkward place.  uncomfortable.  because i always try to make things better for him.  always.i get pushed back into some mold.  some place of the past.  unless i keep my distance.  i am cordial. i speak when necessary.  i'm not cold.  nor harsh.  i forgive.  i'm not angry.  i'm not stewing.  i simply can't invite him back into my heart.  because he broke my heart.  he spent years making me less so that he could feel like more.  and. i. just. can't.
can't.
won't.
i choose peace.
i choose joy.
i choose freedom.
i choose love.
i choose.
and i chose to invite.
and it meant a lot to him.
he texted to say so.
and
i'm glad.
but i still need boundaries.  i still need parameters that are not crossed.
because i am at risk.
why?
i loved well.  i prayed to change.  to make him happy.  to be the wife i needed to be.  i prayed all for his good.  and what i got in return was pain.  not being enough.  being too sassy.  encouragement. no.  looked at in a way that made me feel safe and secure?  no.  but i still loved.  i still chose to keep going.
and that attitude is dangerous to my heart.  and i need to be wise.
but, i can be brave and wise.  and i can do hard things....but still choose peace.  it's possible.  i am held in god's hand.  and he is not offended by me.  nor is he mad when i feel weak and scared.  somehow that comforts me deeply.
i want to live with a fearless heart.........with courage that comes from trusting god.

blessings.

ever learning

i'm still learning.  every day.  all of the time.

i have to learn how to keep my house tidy when i'm busy.  i'm working on it.  playing catch up this week.  i've weed eated a 1/3 acre of mess already....half way done.  Most of the windows washed.  have a list made.  daughter did fridge and freezer.

have to keep at it.  have to figure out what works for me.  i don't mind a little mess....it's just that there's a tipping point that is difficult to come back from.
you'd think that young adult children would help with that, but they don't.  it's harder than when they are small and you can "rally the troops" so to speak.  those "kids" that come home have their own ideas and habits and they don't want to help.  at all...usually.  they do help some and then it's a big deal.  but the daily stuff, the putting in some extra time each day....they balk or even bolt.  they want it to be their own choice and own idea.
but i am learning.
learning to love my home.
because that has taken me a long time since my divorce.  painful.  like a horse kick.  happens pretty fast, but leaves bruises and pain.  my ex didn't make time for working around the house...he worked obsessively and wouldn't stop.  it makes all of us..........cringe.  and that's not healthy either.  so, balance is really important.
so, off i go to weed eat more and to line/clean kitchen drawers.

here i go....................

blessings.

too short

no matter how long we get, life is short.  a blink.  even if i live another 50 years on top of the 50 i've racked up,  even if i could have another 50 beyond that.  there would never be enough time.  to love.  to give joy.  to encourage.  to smile. to hug.  to cry with someone.
my grandma has died.  and this has been a hard week.  but, it also reminds me to not let the petty stuff be a problem.  she did a lot of living.  dancing.  taking care of others.  though the dysfunction of our family...set in place so early on in her own marriage.....made things hard these last years....i still love how she lived so vibrantly.
i miss her being in the world.
hard week.
good week.
life is too short.
to make people know
they are loved
created
cherished
i will never have enough time to tell my kids
or grandkids
i love life
and i want to live full out
but sometimes i get dragged down by hurts
still very tender
i might want to live kindly
joyfully
peacefully
in fun
but i still get wounded on the journey
over stupid stuff
so stupid
but, i am still fragile and have to give myself time
comments
criticism
they tear at me


life's short
can't let them keep ne
from doing good
being vulnerable
being giving
being generous
i know life is short
so short
and even if words
or expectations
hurt me sometimes
i can get through
because it is ever so short
ever
so
short
so i will
allow myself to hurt
when i feel embarrassed
or ashamed
but i will get right on back up
and be vulnerable again
and again
and i will give
my heart
my love my smile
my joy
i will share HIM
in who i am
daily
somehow
cuz life's short
and i want to make every minute count

goodbye

i had a rough childhood.   i lived in many different places.  i was loved by some.  tolerated by others.  and despised and demeaned by a few.  it was not an easy upbringing.  my mom died when i was young.  my father was already gone.  and nobody......took charge of my heart.  i was fed.  i was clothed.  but, everyone just always expected me to perform and do well, so, for the most part, i did.
when i was at the end of fourth grade, i went to live with my father's parents.  my gram loved me.  she bantered and cajoled.  she cooked and cleaned and sewed and played games.
but my grandfather.  he was a different story.  he hated my father.  his son.  he said hateful things to me.  he was the one that told me that i'd never do anything with my life because i'd basically just whore myself out and be pregnant by the time i was 16.  he told me that my dad never loved my mother.  he told me that i was important because i was his little tax deficit.....and, until i asked someone, i thought that he had said something kind.  he wasn't nice to many people.  he was bigoted and had a mean streak.
but, gram was there...and she did all of my caretaking, so it was ok.
until it wasn't.  until i finally had to go live somewhere else.  away from the stress.  i still saw my gram.  but, my grandfather died while i was living elsewhere.  a young death.  in his fifties.
my gram was a constant.  even though she was bullied in later life by one of her sons.  he took care of her and wanted her to himself.  he had her to holidays...which i wasn't invited to....and she was "afraid" to upset him by coming to my home.  for years i would just swing by her apartment because if i called, she would have an excuse of why it wasn't convenient.
later, i would call but she did not.  after awhile, i called about twice a year.  i loved hearing her voice.  so familiar.
but, time went by and as she became more dependent on her son, i talked to her less and less.  i finally got her on the phone last year.  my uncle's wife was with her.  it was obvious that gram had alzheimers.  but she remembered things and she shared them with me.  we talked.  my aunt said that i could come see her, that she'd take my number and call me in a day or so when it was convenient.  i never heard from her.  then i finally found my other aunt, my gram's daughter, on facebook.  she accepted my friendship.  she said that we'd get together after she got gram settled in her "home" and that we could go there.  but, she never did.  and when i wrote, she didn't respond anymore.
then, last night, i was on facebook and my aunt had posted one of those memes about "for those of us who have a mom in heaven"....and i gasped.  my heart skipped a beat.  my breath came heavy.  and i typed my gram's name on the search bar.........and there was her obituary.  it was from months ago........when i had been communicating with my aunt.  but, nobody had even told me that my gram had died.  i didn't know and i didn't get to go to her funeral.  i don't know if she is buried or if she is cremated or..........where she is.
how cruel.  how unkind.
my tears flow randomly down my cheeks.  it's not because i saw my gram all of the time, but because i had always held out hope that at some point my family would be back together.  that we would have a holiday.  that........it wouldn't always cause my gram stress to have to "choose".  how stupid is that?  you don't have to choose.  you just.......love them all.
the lack of compassion squeezes at my heart.  it literally closes my throat.  how can anyone be that way?  i don't understand.  i never did.
but, it will be ok.
i have no living grandparents left.  and i am sad.
so sad today.
just had to take a few moments and be sad.
just have to grieve without feeling stupid.
how shameful it feels to not even have been told.  like it's.......my fault.
but, my gram knew me.  and when it was her alone at home and i called, she would be herself and talk.  she understood when i divorced.  it will all be ok.  eventually.
but for now....i just can't quit thinking, "who does that?"
and........."wow".
i know i'm in a form of shock.  i was alone when i found out.  and really, there's not anyone to explain it to.  i'll just have to get through it.
blessings.