crushed but not done

today, my hopes were crushed.  oh, nothing huge.  life is not over.  however....somehow...it was very big for my heart.  i was in need.  i needed not to be a mama.  not to be a teacher.  just for awhile, i needed to be just me.  i needed to have real conversation.  i needed to hear real stuff.  hopes.  dreams.  what's going on.  not work.  not even kids.  just....life.  and i gave it my best shot.  but somehow i missed it.  i reached out.  i tried to ask things that were conversation starting.  but, there wasn't time.  there wasn't reciprocation.  it was like i was trying to force something when it used to be so easy.  and it hurt me.  not in a crying boo hoo poor me kind of way....in a tender spot in my soul.
suddenly, i realized how alone i am.
i single parent.
i am there for coworkers.
i am there for friends.
i am there for my older kids.
i am there.
but i am not seen.
i am truly
alone.
i mean, i have people who tell me to have a nice weekend.  i have people who let me know what they need or help to pick up my daughter.  but as far as any depth.  i don't have anyone who checks on my heart.
i'm learning to take care of it.  i'm learning to love my heart.
to be kind to my heart.
but something in me felt squashed today.  like i had hoped....but it ended up feeling more like assuming.  like i assumed that there would be connection.  i assumed that there would be time.
and there wasn't.
at first i was hard on myself, "what is it about me?  what have i done or not done?  why am i on the outside?"  but then it was ok.  i know that i can only be me where i am. how i am.  i can't fix it all.  i can't be what everyone wants
and it hurts
because i wish.
and i
by nature
keep hoping.
and i keep missing
and i keep thinking that i must be wrong
that surely i haven't fallen away from the view of those who once cared so much.
just how it is.
and it's not that i don't feel loved.
it's not that i feel wronged.
i just feel
unnecessary
to people who used to be my friends.
i don't feel unliked
i feel
fine
but nothing spectacular
i don't feel special or treasured
and that is the root of it.
because i believed that i was.
i believed that i had the best friends ever.
i believed that they would always seek me out.
that they would be a part of my life always.
and they are a part
just differently.
so, i'll just keep loving
and learning
and living
and i will keep hoping
though i will try to get better at not assuming
they don't deserve that
they don't deserve to feel like i have expectations
because i love them
period
how it was
how it is
so
i felt crushed
oh well
i'm not done.
blessings