Reset

I had to push the reset button this week.  I was focusing in the wrong place and on the wrong things.  I was overwhelmed and feeling overlooked and unappreciated.  And the fact is that my life is pretty overwhelming. And, I am pretty much overlooked and not in a place in life where I get many kudos.  However, there was only one reset button to push.  It wasn't a button labeled notice me.  Nor a button labeled appreciate me.  The button labeled stress free is permanently stuck.  The only button that I could push was the CHOOSE button.  Choose happy.  Choose thankful.  Choose encouragement.  Choose to be who you are.  Choose to smile.   Choose deep joy.  Choose to see the beauty.  Choose life.  Choose love.  Choose laughter.  Choose genuine.  Choose peace.  CHOOSE.  My life is not something being done to me.  It is a process that I am going through.  And I get to choose how to learn, how to give, how to be blessed...each and every breath.  Circumstances and others are NOT up to me, but how I respond, what I see, how I react, how I act, how I cope, how I grow...those are up to me.  So, I pushed the reset button.
And life altered completely.  Absolutely.  The sky was bluer.  The house was possible.  The job was again a blessing.  Every sunrise.  Every cloud.  Every reflection on the water.  Breathtaking.  The sound of birds came again.  I saw the flowers and not just the weeds.
Whatever is good.
Whatever is excellent.
Whatever is worthy of praise.
Whatever is noble.
Whatever is true.
Whatever is pure.

Think.
Think on these things.
And the God of peace will be WITH you.

Choose.  Choose to reset.  The world doesn't reset.  WE reset.  And it takes a hard moment of decision.  A moment of knowing that all will remain the same while we allow our hearts to be realigned.  Then the rest follows.

So, the sun is brighter.  The jobs are doable.  The problems are opportunities.
People think I'm an optimist.  Not really.  Positive thinking gets me nowhere.  But focusing on good  On beauty.  On truth.  Somehow, it completely changes how everything looks.  Feels.  Seems.
It's like twisting the kaleidoscope and making a new design out of the same shapes and colors.  Lovely.

blessings, my dears.  

healing process

the healing process post divorce is murky.  i have come so far after so much pain.  i have found some clarity...especially since his relationship with his old girlfriend.  i have found a lot of closure.  i enjoy being without him.  really do.  though it's not popular to say so. he's not a nice guy.  charming, yes.  nice, no.  and, as time has gone by, i have had to deal with those "arrow" stories that occurred during my marriage...those life changing stories that struck and i put meaning to.  the thing is, i was an adult.  a lot of times, stories like these occur to children.  but, mine came during marriage.  they are clear and they are intense.  and...they don't have to hold sway over how i behave anymore.   but, it has been on my mind to meet with him.
understand, i NEVER meet with him.  i've called him once ever.  i email.  i text rarely.  the only safe place for my heart with him is apart.  he has power over me that is not safe.
but.
my kids.  they deserve some things before my ex gets married.  and the window is closing for me to do so.  and i don't know whether to do it or not.  maybe i just feel a need to do it because it's part of the healing process.  maybe it's just a desire that comes at this point in healing.  or, maybe it's a prompting because i need to do it to help my kids.  i'm not sure.  i asked a friend.  she didn't answer.
another friend said she'd pray for me.  but, there's nobody who wants to talk it out.  so, yes, i pray.  yes, i'll think long and hard.  but, it has been on my mind for a few weeks.  i'm curious about whether this is the norm for people in the healing process.  maybe in my mind i just feel a need to meet and show that i'm ok...or to finish things...or....i don't really know.  i don't want to see him.  the idea of sitting down to coffee is pretty horrible.  and yet...maybe i have to show myself that i can?  that i have come to a place where he does not hold all of the power over me?
the healing process is interesting.  and definitely a process.  up and down.  side to side.  but always, even when it's imperceptible, forward.  blessed and carried.  held.  saved by the grace of god.  freed.
and i am so relieved. even when there's confusion for a bit.
blessings.

good

life is good.
happy.
full.
life is full of living.
i have spent all day alone doing some puttering and just hanging out.
it is pleasant.
and
it is a little bit painful today.
i guess that i'm not feeling too......
necessary.
not at home.
not at work.
not with people i know.
kinda just feel like i'm just that person that doesn't really warrant the time
or energy of others.
kind of an afterthought.
which,
i do understand.
i'm not that exciting.
i like my own company.
but i'm not a huge entertainer or anything.
so, all is good.
but it tires me out.
a bit.

text, message, call

there's a friend...not a bestie, but a friend...i've called, messaged and texted.  she was answering.  she was talking.  but now, she doesn't answer and doesn't respond.  at all.  i finally wrote, "i messaged, called and texted for awhile and i never heard back, so i got a clue."  she read it.  didn't respond.  i don't know what to do with that.  it hurt.  quite a bit actually.
and with that and my job stuff, i'm just not doing very well.  i'm depressed.  i feel it.  i sense it.  i am doing things to end it.  but, part of me knows that i have to wait for it to pass.  i have to pray and rest and just let myself heal.  it has been a rough year.  nobody that calls to say, "would you like to...?"  and that's ok.  i've needed a lot of alone time.  but the never is starting to be a little bit painful.
wish.  wish that i wasn't the person that seems to turn people off.  but, not willing to wish away who i am.  finally remembered how to like her.  think i'll just have to enjoy that.
but today is a hard day.  so instead of doing the yard, i'm vegging.  that's fine.  the world won't end.

blessings.

weight

i carry weight.

not that kind, but that's true enough too, i suppose.

emotional.  traumatic.  evil.  painful.

and this week at my school.  in my community.  it has been........heavy.

a woman had a baby cut out of her at seven months while answering a craigslist ad.

a man killed his father and tried to kill his mother before killing himself with the knife.  he is the father of two students at my school.

my school has decided to weigh us based on our value and pay us accordingly.  i am found wanting.  and it hurt.
and i know that it shouldn't.  but, i can't help that it does.  i am not type a.  i am not the go getter, i guess.  i do go after a lot of things, but they are not what they are looking for.

and my coworker found out in a round about way that her mother had been injured while we were at work.  she had to leave suddenly.  and still isn't here.

and lots of people are sick.  very sick.

and i bear the weight of tings when things are difficult.  it's like i suck in the pain and badness to try to rid the area of it to protect those i care about.  but yesterday, the effort, put me flat on the couch.  really.  worn out from it.

i'm much better today, but i realized that the reason my marriage was so hard on me was because of those tendencies.  i carry weight.

i take it on.  i lift it.  i strive to make the load lighter for others. and i won't quit.  it's simply who i am.
but i will rest when i need to.  often.  

so today, i am ready to go home.  so ready to go home.  and breathe.  and garden.  and rest.

i have a blessed life.  it is full and has beauty.  i intend to suck every ounce of goodness from the day with relish.

blessings.

i get it

went to church last sunday.  i went to my old church.  a friend invited me.  she didn't know how much it meant.  of course, i got there and the theme was love and commitment...romans12.  it was fine.  much more than fine.  my ex sat across the aisle only two people separating us.  he came in after me.  i felt myself tense...for a moment.  the preaching was a little hard because of the topic...at first.  but then, as he began going through paul's "fleshing out" of jesus' commandment to love one another, he pointed out that the first thing is that love must be sincere.  and, so i realized that the "love" of our marriage had not been sincere.  hit me like a brick.  then, at the end it said not to be afraid to hang out with those who are different and then after that, don't be arrogant.  as in, when you deign to give someone your time, don't make them feel like you were doing them a favor.  my heart healed.  i saw how things had been.  i saw.  i understood.  and i was there and brave.  so.....life was better.  so much better.  somehow, it was great.
and then, i wrote to my online guy friend and told him how i was freed.  how i finally felt a sense of being free.  and my online guy friend...celebrated.  he worshiped.  he said that it improved his day.  he sang a song online.  he let me know that the angels were rejoicing and that god was so happy that i finally understood my freedom.  he was so....supportive.

i get it.  i get how much my life has changed.

but what i really get is how much i have changed.  completely.

and it is good.

free.

really.

blessings.

alone

there are a few times in life that you realize that you are utterly alone.  this is one of them.



so, i'm under my covers in the dark and sleepily typing.


wishing my ex weren't a jerk.  wishing that the hubbub of his girlfriend wasn't making my life hell.  literally hell.

praying that my daughter doesn't have to keep riding his roller coaster.

exhausted from the week.

and alone.

how did i end up with nobody to just hang out with?  to talk to deeply?  to be known by?
oh well.  i'll be fine.

just a hell of a ride.

too

too bossy

too silly

too gossipy

too needy

too interested

too blunt

too whatever....


tired of wondering what i'm TOO much of.  i go through phases like anyone else.  and i lived a heck of a lot of years trying to be right...to be good enough....to be nice enough...to be acceptable.  so sorry all...i'm done with it.

take me or leave me because frankly....

i'm

too happy to want to be fake

too involved in life to be worrying about what you think of me

too interested in being genuine and authentic to worry how you get offended at the stupidest things.

i'm too aware of what a total mess i am to think that i can impress you.

but, if you are willing to like me in my mess, come alone.  if not....move along.

life is
too short to keep trying to please you.