the healing process post divorce is murky. i have come so far after so much pain. i have found some clarity...especially since his relationship with his old girlfriend. i have found a lot of closure. i enjoy being without him. really do. though it's not popular to say so. he's not a nice guy. charming, yes. nice, no. and, as time has gone by, i have had to deal with those "arrow" stories that occurred during my marriage...those life changing stories that struck and i put meaning to. the thing is, i was an adult. a lot of times, stories like these occur to children. but, mine came during marriage. they are clear and they are intense. and...they don't have to hold sway over how i behave anymore. but, it has been on my mind to meet with him.
understand, i NEVER meet with him. i've called him once ever. i email. i text rarely. the only safe place for my heart with him is apart. he has power over me that is not safe.
but.
my kids. they deserve some things before my ex gets married. and the window is closing for me to do so. and i don't know whether to do it or not. maybe i just feel a need to do it because it's part of the healing process. maybe it's just a desire that comes at this point in healing. or, maybe it's a prompting because i need to do it to help my kids. i'm not sure. i asked a friend. she didn't answer.
another friend said she'd pray for me. but, there's nobody who wants to talk it out. so, yes, i pray. yes, i'll think long and hard. but, it has been on my mind for a few weeks. i'm curious about whether this is the norm for people in the healing process. maybe in my mind i just feel a need to meet and show that i'm ok...or to finish things...or....i don't really know. i don't want to see him. the idea of sitting down to coffee is pretty horrible. and yet...maybe i have to show myself that i can? that i have come to a place where he does not hold all of the power over me?
the healing process is interesting. and definitely a process. up and down. side to side. but always, even when it's imperceptible, forward. blessed and carried. held. saved by the grace of god. freed.
and i am so relieved. even when there's confusion for a bit.
blessings.
understand, i NEVER meet with him. i've called him once ever. i email. i text rarely. the only safe place for my heart with him is apart. he has power over me that is not safe.
but.
my kids. they deserve some things before my ex gets married. and the window is closing for me to do so. and i don't know whether to do it or not. maybe i just feel a need to do it because it's part of the healing process. maybe it's just a desire that comes at this point in healing. or, maybe it's a prompting because i need to do it to help my kids. i'm not sure. i asked a friend. she didn't answer.
another friend said she'd pray for me. but, there's nobody who wants to talk it out. so, yes, i pray. yes, i'll think long and hard. but, it has been on my mind for a few weeks. i'm curious about whether this is the norm for people in the healing process. maybe in my mind i just feel a need to meet and show that i'm ok...or to finish things...or....i don't really know. i don't want to see him. the idea of sitting down to coffee is pretty horrible. and yet...maybe i have to show myself that i can? that i have come to a place where he does not hold all of the power over me?
the healing process is interesting. and definitely a process. up and down. side to side. but always, even when it's imperceptible, forward. blessed and carried. held. saved by the grace of god. freed.
and i am so relieved. even when there's confusion for a bit.
blessings.
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