Donkeys

Jackasses come in different sizes, shapes, ages and colors.  Their bray can sound different.  But, they are all jackasses.  No, I don't mean all men...just the mean ones.  They have a self centered core.  Their vision rarely includes anything but themselves.  They can make nice.  They can seem charming and wonderful.  But, they can be jackasses just as surely as though who let their jackass selves show.  Jackasses are willful.  Stubborn.  Don't consider anyone else.  They have a knack for making what could be a simple thing a trauma.  Stressful.  They pull and fight.  while they can be useful and strong, those attributes are overshadowed by the great amount of work and suffering that is involved in trying to get anything done with them.  There are a few that tame jackasses.  I wish that I had been one.  I guess.  I really gave it my best shot.  But I guess I thought I had a horse and I got a jackass instead. 
Here it is Sunday morning and I am alone.  Tears flowing down my face.  All I want is to take a breath that doesn't involve worry. 
He asks, "why now?"  Because I held on, tried, worked, forgave,  overlooked, served, laughed, made excuses, and submitted as long as I could......and now I just can't anymore.  I didn't put that to words.  Because it's hard when being pressured.  Pushed.  Troubled.  Accused yet again of being the irresponsible one.  Not accused...stated factually.  But I didn't really fight.  But I didn't hide too much either.  I said the hard things.  As calmly as I could.  I wish we could part as friends.  Seems stupid to not be able to salvage some good. 
A sometimes friend recently started emailing me, facebooking me....calling me...she has never called me before...she is "concerned for me".  Hoping that I'm keeping my faith at my core.  When I wrote back that I am healing and asked her why she is concerned, she never wrote back.  It was all, "we need to have coffee.  We should talk."  and she's a really nice person.  One I like a lot.  So, it hurts that somehow my name has come up and I'm going to be set on the right track.  Lucky me.  I've been waiting for the right track....but what nobody knows is that this is totally the wrong track. 
Looks like a horse.  Has the heart of a jackass.  Dangerous.