Paying Dues

I have been working.  And working.  And working some more.  I have missed things that I wanted to do.  I am out of the loop on my "shows".  And, I spend so much time in the car that it looks like a locker room/cafeteria.  And yet, this isn't about complaining.  More, explaining.  It's about reminding myself that we all have to "pay our dues" to get to where we want to be.  doing these things affords me the opportunity of experience.  Of getting back out in the world and seeing what I can do and what I like to do and what I am lousy at doing.  It is by no measure an easy time.  But it is a good time.
I am remembering who I am and who I can be.  Learning what I really don't like.  Learning.
Besides for the job, I am learning about paying dues other ways too.  I made some grievous errors in life.  I allowed things that I should not have.  And now I have to "pay the dues" for my mistakes.  It's certainly not easy, but again, it's a learning time.  One thing that has been deeply on my mind these last couple of days is what makes me feel important....not BE important...but feel it.  To be remembered.  To be thought of.  To be sought out.  To have someone be there even if it isn't "necessary".  To be heard.  Not just listened to.  to be shared with.  To be given time.  For me it's not about fame or being on the stage.  It's about those sweet people in my life who make me feel like I matter.  The people that I don't have to struggle to have the right thing to share.  The people who don't make me jump through hoops.  The people who know how very much I want to live in peace. 
About 14 years ago, a friend gave me a little note in a really hard time.  It read: trust God, trust *******(husband), trust me.   And I had that note in the car with me.  And I knew that I couldn't do one of them.  And I wondered if I would ever feel strong enough and less ashamed to that I would ever be able to tell someone that.  because the middle trust was about the one who had pushed me where I was.  But I didn't ever talk about that.  I simply talked about my part.  My responsibility.  That seemed right.  Looking back, I wonder at what I've done.  I could have made it harder for him.  Could have kept him from looking as good.  Maybe.  Probably not.  He's the likable one.  The talented one.  The smart one.  But, I could have kept him from thinking that it was ok with me that he would shame me.  That he would belittle me in front of his family.  That he would...........whatever. 
The point is that paying dues is tough.  No decision is without repercussions...whether positive or negative.  But, what I am learning now is that it is not too late for me to make better decisions.
I'm not sure that anyone else will view them as better.  All I know is that my heart is beginning to soar.  To believe that happy might REALLY be there for me.  Not just keeping someone else happy.  Kind of excites me.
Life is hectic.  Full.  Crazy.  But very good.  I am blessed beyond what I could imagine.  These kids of mine and others too.....they make me learn how to LIVE!!!