I was at work tonight. Big surprise there...seeing as how I'm at work most of the hours in a day recently. But, it had been a kind of crazy evening. We were scoring tests. Got to the end about ten minutes before close. My boss said have them do their computer time sheet for 1030. We are at the end. So, I did. It was about 1020 when the next boss up came up behind me unexpectedly, while I was getting the last of my computer work done. He said, "where are your people?" I responded that they had done their time sheets and gone. He shook. He turned purple. He said, "I am VERY ANGRY!!!" And went on from there. Spittle was flying. I apologized. I said that I didn't know that they were supposed to stay if we had scored out an item. We aren't trained on anything else. There was nothing else left to do. My table wasn't the only one gone. Nor, even the first. And he stopped. He realized that he had blown a gasket. And, realized that they were allowed to go.
But, I am not ok. Not because of him. Because it was the thing that threw me over. That brought that huge pain up. The pain of being blindsided when I think that I'm doing an ok job. Of being made to feel less than enough when I think that I am doing well. It knocked me down. And I didn't just tear up. I bawled. I went outside. But I had to go back in to finish my paperwork. A really great guy reminded me that it's a temp job. Told me to drive fast and then go home and have a glass of wine. And his kindness. His standing there and knowing that I was hurting. His attention when he barely knows me. Made my heart break more. The guy who screamed at me....I don't usually cry. But he hit that nerve that is so raw. The one that threatens to undo me. The one place that has to remain protected these days or my world falls apart. He hit that weak place that has been made by my husband. and it killed me to know how raw it is. How vulnerable that part of me is. How tender I am. How deeply he has wounded me that it would even be an issue. Killer.
My jaw is tight. The tears only well up now. He did come to apologize. I couldn't even speak. Literally. I sobbed. Tried to say that I was embarrassed because I don't usually cry. Probably thinks I have PMS. Snort. Not so. Just THS....tender heart syndrome. I have been deeply hurt. Nobody will probably ever see how my husband has taken away a part of me that was brave and able. Most people never even got to know her. But I know. And re-entering the world is picking at all of those sore spots. Exposing the places that he has made weak.
I want to be strong. I am strong. Even if I bawled.
What a jerk. Hurting isn't ok. Being mean isn't ok. Guilting isn't ok. Being a jackass isn't ok. But, I have given him permission to be that in my life by not stopping it. Though stopping it is hard. By not removing myself from his behavior.
So, I'm totally weary tonight. Totally alone. But, hey, at least I don't have to make it all good for someone else.
I have to say that I came the very closest I have ever come when in such a predicament to reaching out and going to a friends.....drove there on my way home. But it's really late. Everyone works and has school tomorrow. I stopped. I couldn't go in. I mean, what could you possibly say? I'm a big baby and I just don't want to be alone although there is really nothing life threatening or anything......I couldn't do it. But, for one of the first times, I saw that maybe I will be able to do it someday.
So used to hiding the crap. To holding it in. Tomorrow all will know I got yelled at but they won't know that the screaming itself wasn't what did me in. And, I'm pretty sure that telling would be tacky. Wrong. But I still wish that I had family.
A really cool thing happened today. Someone wrote on my facebook and complimented me. And then sent me a nice ecard. Totally out of the blue. Twas loverly. Blessed me. And I had....and still have....a hard time believing that it was meant for me. Like it was a mistake or something.
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