Stronger

Tonight I went back to work.  I faced the people who saw me get reamed out.  I accepted their looks of pity.  Squeezes on the arm.  I convinced a subordinate not to report what she had seen.  I stood tall.  Kinda.  I did my job.  I still have things to learn.  But, I did it the best I could.  At the end of the evening, I had a million things to still do.  Same nice guy came and encouraged me.  Kindhearted.  The hot guy from earlier in the evening encouraged me too....ok, I noticed, but don't worry, I think he's about 20... not really, but quite young.  But, I stuck around to get everything knocked out.  Then I took a breath.  Went to the bosses office.  Told him that I forgive him.  That I do understand that it happened and that he was sorry.  He was so thankful.  So nice.  He hadn't pushed me.  Hadn't manipulated.  And when I forgave him he asked if I was sure!  He knew that it took something to face him.  So different from what I have experienced.  Where I have to fight to get an apology or an acceptance that maybe something was wrong.  It has to come down to a knock down, drag out and then, after some more time MAYBE an apology....but always to benefit him.  To "make things right" so that he's not uncomfortable.  Tonight was good for me.  It was.....healthy feeling.  And I remembered that I can be brave.  That I have value.  That it's not all my fault.  Easy to lose sight of in my situation. 
I am stronger.  Not as strong as I began, but more than I had become.  I am able.  I am worth it.  At work.  At home.  With my family.  With my coworkers.  With my friends.  Though I have a hard time realizing it. 
Now, let's see if they let me be in charge of a table again...oh well.  Doesn't really matter.  ;)  I will focus on the important things.