Mother's Day

The most wonderful thing and the best decision I've ever made was to become a mother.  My kids make me smile.  And cry.  And laugh.  And spew with frustration.  My kids have a knack for making me feel everything more deeply than I ever knew that I would be able to.  And that makes me blessed.  NOt numb or simply existing.
My third son and my daughter got up to cook for me this morning.  I did the terrible thing and got up....went up to my son and reached up...way up, actually, and kissed his cheek and told him thank you.  Told him I'd be out watering and that he and I could eat out at the picnic table when he was ready.  He said that his sister had helped too.  So, they came.  With the strawberries.  Sausage.  Pancakes.  Yogurt.  Grape Juice.  Coffee.  Napkin.  Silverware.  AND card.  But my son was distressed.  He had wanted to do it special for me and he got taken over by his dad.  When dad got up he said that he was doing it for everyone.  But, we remained on our own at the picnic table.  He sipped coffee with me and we laughed and talked.  I told him that I was sorry that he felt like his plan was diminished.  He made a joke.  We nodded in understanding and on will go our day.
After I took my kids to sunday school, I realized that it's just what happened at my birthday with my gift that my second son was getting me.  The husband has to be the center.  He wants to be the one to get kudos but he doesn't know what to do, so he joins in on their plan.  It's backward.  Them teaching him.  And him taking credit.  Instead of him helping them and GIVING them the credit. 
Today is a hard day for me.  I want to post a pic of my mom but I can't because the scanner isn't working.  And, I have one of those strips from a photo booth over 40 years ago.  A couple of years before she died.  I cried today.  Because I looked at it with the eyes of a mama.  I have always looked at it with the eyes of a child.  But, today, I saw the mama who was having her pic done with her daughter whom she loved.  And how she made things special.  So, while I dearly celebrate being a mama, I just as dearly mourn having mine.  And, when it has been so very long, you can't really explain the empty place, the hole that was never filled, the knowing that there is no mama to run to.  No mama to say, "hush, it's gonna' be alright."  I've lived so long without her.  But even though it has been a huge proportion of my life, the fact that she DID live, DID love me, DID keep me, DID give her all to being my mom.....well, though it was a short time, I know that it changed my life.  She did what she could, when she could.  She lived while she did.  She didn't wait to show me love or to buy me ice cream.  She didn't fuss overly much.  She took pleasure in me.  And there is this little tiny place in my heart that I can go to and remember and draw strength and warmth.
So, though my life isn't turning out how I wished.....I've been thinking....I know my mom would have gotten it.  And I have an idea of what she would have said.  And I am thankful for that.