mashed potatoes...hold the gravy

today was a really fun day.  the meal was outdoors.  and, as people were drifting away, my friend grabbed a spoonful of taters...minus the grave, thank goodness...and flicked it at me.  hmmm. i maturely just allowed it and the meal went on.  NOT!  i grabbed a handful of tatoes and retaliated.  with joy.  well, she smushed them in my face.  in my hair.  i tossed them at her.  ok, a deviled egg may have been smushed on her too.  it was very satisfying.  so much fun.  my life is so much better.
new traditions.  new habits.  new thoughts.  new.  change.  scary stuff.  and exciting.  learning to laugh for real again.  today, i had this moment when everything relaxed.  i felt it.  a physical sensation.  and the realization of how long i had to hold it all together for events.  my face.  my shoulders.  my body.....it all just kind of relaxed.  it was great.  hopeful.
blessings.

First Easter

Sigh. Of. Relief.
This was my first Easter without the ex.  I am so glad to report that it was awesome.  I was comfortable.  I was happy.  I AM happy.  Life is better for me.  I am at peace.  For real at peace.  Genuinely.  Even when there's hard stuff.  For the first time in a very long time, I know who I am to a degree.  I don't wake up feeling oppressed.
But, my ex sang in church today.  A song about not having to be who you were.  About shame and grace.  It really is a beautiful song. But, it was about "love wins".  I think that I was somehow supposed to be all warm and fuzzy feeling toward him.  What others wouldn't have realized is that he hasn't changed.  He may have made some mental commitments...but he still lives for him.  He had a son sitting right there in that service that he hasn't spoken to.  He has not learned to stand for those he loves.  He is still all about him.  And it was awkward.  I just quit looking at him and let God talk to me.  Comfort me.  Help me through.  And He did.
What a joy today was.  Deeply.  Grandkids.  Family.  Great food.  Easter Egg Hunt Extreme.  Pictures.  Smiles.  On everyone.  I  love that.

yep

Determined

Last night a friend said that determined describes me.  I agree.  To a point.  I am determined to become who God made me to be.  I am determined to love wholeheartedly.  I am determined to lessen pain.  I am determined.  Yes.  But not simply stubborn.  Not with the motive of winning.  Just to persevere to the joy.  To the place of happy.  To get done and through.  I was determined this last year to refuse to be a victim.  Even in my mind.  To live.  To grow.  To be challenged.  And I have been!!!
I am not a quitter.  Unless I decide to be. ;)  That's why it amuses me..or maybe hurts me...that some people think that I just gave up on being married. That it was for no reason.  That's not even in my make up.  I don't pull that many people into my life....not closely.  Why in the world would I give any of them up easily?
I am determined.  I am peaceful.  I am happy.  I am precious.  To Him.
blessings.

Learning to be at Peace

The learning curve has been high.  I face a lot of things.  Many of them without anyone to talk to about them. It's hard sometimes.  Mostly, it's ok.  Right now I am seeing how much I've learned.  How I am able to relax some and just let things take their course.  It's not at all easy.  This holiday will be yet another learning curve. But I know that I'll make it.  I know that I'm not going to beg anyone in my life to meet my needs.  I am learning to respect myself more in that area.  If people aren't around, if I'm not valuable enough, if my kids aren't a priority...then...well, then I need to handle that gracefully and with the knowledge that it doesn't mean that I'm not valuable.  It feels like it.  This is hard because people not coming to my house on Easter now that he's gone when they came when he was here...well...you know how it is. Got trained that it's my fault, that I'm not as good, that I'm not worth it.  And I have to fight that.  A lot.  Takes a lot of energy.  A lot of fearless.  Because it's hard to be hurt and still know that I'm ok.  Yet, it's true.  I am ok.  I am even mostly peaceful.  A few tears.  They are allowed.  I allow myself that.  I don't know how things will look in the years to come.  But someday, there will be different things.  New things.  I will find a way.  Make traditions.  No matter what, I am going to be peaceful and loving.  I love this holiday.  I am not going to ruin it with allowing the pain of "not being chosen" to overwhelm me.  This, of course it the week before he left last year as well....It's all mixed up.
Next is my birthday. This is the one year anniversary....time flies when you are having fun!
blessings.

Dancing around naked

Why is it that when I risk asking people to meet my needs, I feel like I'm dancing around naked?  I sent the invite for Easter.  Some read.  Some declined.  Some didn't answer.  Some haven't seen it yet.  But, while I wait, I feel exposed.  Like I risked more than anyone can possibly know.  Like I want to try and move forward but somehow it is hinged on others allowing it too...on meeting me in this new place.
David danced naked before the Lord.  I have this sense of being before God and just putting it all out there.  My hopes, my failures, my needs, my wants....and trusting that some will still accept me where I am now.
I guess it was extra hard because I realized that we hadn't BEEN invited.  That realization didn't come until after I had written my own invite.  That made me feel even more vulnerable.  So, here I am. Vulnerable.  And I choose that over hardened.  Over cynical.  Over hopeless.  I choose to move on.  To go forward.  To hope.  To believe in the whole story of faith.  Of the Resurrection and how that changed the whole world.  And I choose to allow that "fearless" word that was given to me this year to lead out.  There have been mountains.  And valleys.  And storms.  Yet, here I am.  God is faithful.  Completely. Though I feel naked.
blessings.

Most Important Holiday

Easter is coming.  Jesus rose.  Lives.  Death failed.  If that's not hope, I don't know what is.  But, this is our first Easter without the kids' dad.  This is my first Easter to host on my own.  I love this holiday.  I love the playing, the photos, the traditions.  I love the celebrating with people that I care about...who get why it's just a great day.  But I guess that I've been afraid that they won't come.  Or will not include us if they do something else.  These family holidays are hard.  Because there is a residual problem in that my ex is not here...and other husbands feel troubled.  And I don't guess that I entertain them so well.  I don't know how to fix it.  I just know that I have to move forward.  I have to celebrate.  I have to honor my children and their heart's needs too.  I am trying.  But I put it off.  So much new stuff to face every month. ;)  But, I am looking forward to it.  I am anticipating it.  The menu.  The photos.  The laughter.  The games.  The fun.  We will play.  We will laugh.  We will honor one another with love and hope.  Somehow, we will lift one another up and find a way through.  And I am so happy this year.  I really want the opportunity to celebrate my favorite holiday...because last year was really tough.
So.  I've put my fears on the line.  I've invited.  I hope that people can come.  Or will come.  I have...hope.
Got to get to work!
blessings.

grandma's bday

today would have been my grandma's bday.  she died two days after her bday...back when my daughter was in kindergarten.  how quickly time goes by.  and yet, can still feel like a million years.  nine years.  wow. a lot of living in that nine years.
maybe that explains my need today of solace.  that and this cold.  sometimes it just feels like i have had so many people die.  or leave.  my ex isn't in that list.  he i wanted to leave.  he once said, "i'm not like your dad, i'm not going to go away."  i was not very kind in that moment.  i told him that staying for his own pride didn't feel better than his going away.  that the whole "trying his best to love me"  wasn't working for me.  at all.
i also got an email from my ex today.  he was at an eagle scout ceremony of a student that goes to school with our sons.  he saw the dad of one of our sons and sent me a message of hello and hugs.  it was weird.  how about just telling the person that he doesn't see me?  or that we don't talk?  he does strange things.
this was a really hard day for me.  i can usually summon up grace or suck it up and do what i need to.  but today was nearly impossible.  i barely made it through.  i cried and cried.  i was totally feeling overwhelmed.  not feeling well.  had school work to do.  homework, i mean.  for a class.  had laundry.  had decided that maybe painting the floor would be a good idea.  the girls had offered to cook burritoes.  that was good news.  but then.....company.  that was almost too much for me.  really.  i had to parade out my counterpart personality...the one that is outgoing.  i can do it.  force it.  but it is extremely wearing.  i am an introvert.  give me a few.  i was so looking forward to this day with the kids.  then helping my son with college stuff.  which we finally got to.  looking for a cabin for a couple of days over spring break...or three.  i was ready to snuggle in with a book.  close my eyes and rest.  prepare for the upcoming week.
the day didn't happen that way.
i had to make it through having a man in my house that will barely talk to me.  who had just been at an event with my ex.  with my eldest son who had just gone to a basketball game with my ex.  my ex is everywhere these days.  takes people everywhere.  you'd think that the more he does, the more i would want to compete, but frankly, it's just the opposite.  i just want to let it go.  let him wear himself out doing it all.
grandma's bday.  i had cheesecake.  celebrated in my own mind and heart.  didn't tell the crew.
it was a really hard day.
and yet, i made it.  that's pretty amazing.
blessings.

Pulling it Together

Here I sit, trying to pull it together.  Trying to take a breath.  The girls decided to have a party for me today.....inviting people over to my not only messy, but incredibly dirty home.  Seriously.  I was looking around this morning thinking how tired I am, how I just have to fight off this cold, how I will get to it all, but that at least I could rest today.  Then....the girls who had told me that they were cooking lunch inform me that we are having company.  Yikes.  Really?  I am weeping again.  Seriously?  I love them.  I will pull it together.  But the last thing I want to do is get up and entertain anyone.  My introvert self is in a horrible spin.  Trying to be loving and kind while at the same time trying to find peace.  Not easy at this moment.  I don't want to play games.  I don't want to interact with chit chat.  Kids would have been fine.  But they invited grown ups.  One of whom doesn't even speak to me anymore.  Goodness.  Fearless.  Trying.  But I am in a spin.  Like I can't get my balance.  I am so distressed.  I really don't want to do this.  Really.  At all.  Nope.  I want to go drive off and leave everyone to the "party", but I know that would hurt the girls.  So, here I am trying to make the best.  The living room and family rooms have been wrecked by the boys.  Dishes everywhere.  Floors a mess.  And no cozy place to be.  This is not what I wanted.  This is not what I want.  But this is what I have. So I have to pull it together.
My daughter wrapped her arms around me and told me she loves me.  She suddenly realized how hard it was going to be for me to interact...not just about the house, but about the people coming.  And she empathized.  She got it.  I saw it.  Guess that's the good that has come.
Knew I should have cleaned yesterday when I was so tired and it was snowy and I was just trying to rest.  I wasn't able to rest anyway.  Should have just skipped it.  

Brave some more.

So true.  The only way through anything is to be brave.  To stand up when I want to sit down...or lie down under a cozy blankie and wish the world away.  I can stand.  I have been given the strength to stand.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I am His and He is mine.  Bravely going forward....

10,000

wow.  10,000 hits.  that's amazing to me.  it made me smile that i went on and it was right on 10,000.  and my prayer remains that someone will be helped, touched....less alone.  that they will feel understood and like someone "gets it".
blessings.

a story

Sometimes it's hard to tell my story.  Easier to just start from the now.....but finally thinking that maybe it will make a difference.  Maybe God will use it.  Maybe.
blessings.

healers

some people are healers.  i don't mean voodoo or anything bizarre.  just in thoughts.  and kindness.  and habits. the kids that are staying at my house with us are healers.  full of life. of love.  of laughter.  of niceness. they make us do better.  try more.  they cause my boys to be more civil.  lots of people are healers.  i see them.  I appreciate them.  it's hard not to be.
oh i long to join those ranks.  to help to heal others.  to bring hope.  smiles.  comfort during tears.
and maybe i will.  maybe i do.  maybe those who do it don't realize it.
maybe my job is to be sure to thank those who do it for me.
blessings.

the privilege

i almost bought a bed frame this last weekend.  i had just enough to get one that i thought that i would like.  but, instead, i put my boxspring and mattress on the floor.  it's high enough for me.  actually, i'm pretty happy with it this way.  it snugs up in the corner nicely and makes it a nice place to cuddle up. i like it much.  got rid of the icky frame.  didn't replace it.  happy.  content.  pretty easy going.
and it was nice to have the money to spend some other way.  god is so good at providing for me.  he amazes me when i don't even know how things are going to work.  step by step.  and i want to keep giving it away.  i don't want to pretend that i am doing it on my own or by my own plan.  i want to keep watching him work.  to keep knowing that it's him.  i want to keep investing what he gives into others' lives.  it's so much fun.  unbelievably so.
a privilege it is to be cared for by god himself.  but the best part of the privilege is recognizing that truth.  i love it.  and i love being able to share his gifts.  he lavishes things upon us.  how much fun it is to share them.  from the tangible to the emotional.  he gives it all.  for me to share.  to give.  know what?  i've never outgiven him.  he is never stingy.  he gives light and strength and joy and hope and peace and gentleness and love.  he gives beauty and nurture and giftedness. he gives pleasure and laughter and smiles.  he give food and shelter and warm blankies and heating pads.  he gives everything.  nothing comes from me.  nothing.  not at all.  only him.
that's the privilege of being his daughter.  he lets me give his stuff away.  his love.  his peace.  his hope.  his gifts.  everything that i can do or say or believe...all gifts from him...to be used for everyone else.  yes.  a privilege.
blessings.

and then there's the boy

my son.  the 18 year old.  he's not ready for college.  maybe he will be come fall? i don't know.  he is tuned out and living for himself and pleasure.  he has no desire to do or be anything.  he doesn't work.  he doesn't earn any money.  he doesn't seem to have a plan for his next steps.  and i have felt compelled to ease up.  to know him and love him.  which i still feel is right for now.  but i don't know what do say beyond what i have said in order to light a fire.  he seems stuck. i think he was waiting for his dad to make some move which never came and now he's just kinda in limbo.  waiting still.  not really hoping.  happier and nicer than before.  but still...tuned out.  i understand how he feels.  more than i wish i knew.  some days it's just so hard knowing that my ex didn't care enough to work at what we had.  he liked being able to fall back on the fact that we were christians and couldn't divorce.  but, he didn't cherish me.  he didn't even act like he liked me.  i know how my son feels.  though i can't tell him that.  i know that it hurts.  that it's impossible not to take that personally.
then there's the other one who makes fun of all of the rest of us regularly.  and competes incessantly.  and is trying to act like his dad.  and locks the house and was probably told by his dad to "take care of things".  but he too....hurting for the same reasons.  trying to please his dad.  he acts just like him to make him happy.  but the boy?  he's not happy...because he's not being himself.

so much pain.  my heart hurts for all of us.  and we are on our own in it.  nobody ever calls my kids and asks them out for a coke or to talk.  nobody.  my son quit his small group from church and they don't even call.  pretty sad.  but he would kill me if he found out that i asked them to.  so i need to pray and wait and see.  he needs so badly to be missed.  to be cared about.  he didn't go back as a mentor either...and the youth pastor didn't follow up or say that he was valuable to the team.  my ex is such a part of the youth group that it's hard.  it would have to be individuals being interested.  but it just hasn't happened.
and i wonder if i am doing ok.  and then i know that i can't possibly be....and all i do is trust that god will be what they need.  how they need it.  when they need it.  that he can use my frail attempts to show them little glimpses of love, but that it's not all on me.  he wants to be there for them.  first hand.
so much going on in this heart.
nowhere to let it out.  but this has been cathartic.  tears and truth.  good combo.
blessings.

So much in my heart

There has been a lot going on in the world lately.  I've had sorrow with nowhere to express it.  I've experienced a weird kind of grief and I don't even know how to explain it.  Not even here.  I've "lost" so many people in my lifetime. And for those who have not, it's easy to say, "they're in a better place" or some such thing.  And the bottom line is that it is true.  But it still hurts.  It hurts a lot.  Deeply.  It's loss.  It's something missing.  It's pain.  And....lately, I've realized that there's someone that I've come to respect and love that I will lose eventually.  Obviously, not family. ;)  Loving older people is wonderful.  They are so wise and have so much ability to see more clearly.  But, in this instance, I am finding my heart having trouble.  I am weepy and troubled at the thought.  When you lose family, you are there.  You are expected to grieve.  You have "permission".  But this is a journey that I go on alone.  Quietly grieving illness and pain.  Feeling a sense of loss and also a sense of wonder that I feel such a loss.  No computer connection anymore.  I never even told why I parted from my husband.  I wanted to so many times...but it just felt like the emotion would be hard on her.
I pray.  I am rediscovering that prayer warrior that lives within me.  I'm not the one at the church on the prayer "team".  I just have a deep sense of empathy that is best expressed in prayer.  It's a good place to express it.  It bolsters me.  It won't make it not hurt when the time does finally come to say goodbye.  The last months have been hard as I try to stay on the peripheral.  She has been in and out of the hospital.  She has lost weight I heard.  Not eating much. Having some memory struggles.  Every day I wonder how she is.  No real way of finding out.  So, again..I pray.  I wonder sometimes if I'll ever see her again.  Not really sure actually.  She doesn't live near.  Yep, that is what always throws me over the edge.  But there's a part of me that just rests in the fact of how well loved she is.  In how she is cared for.  And I may or may not see her again.  But I can love fully.  Even if it hurts.
That's what I've learned.  I can love.  Really love.  And care about someone else's needs.  And I can survive the pain that can come from that.  And the benefits of love are way greater than the pain.  I don't have to get something out of it.  Nothing tangible.  Just the act of being able to love connects me with my Father.  It's pretty amazing.
My heart has been on overload though.  With that and with my ex stuff that goes on.  And what with not really being able to tell anyone.  So pretty much I get to figure out how to walk this on my own.
A friend was cracking me up last night talking about how I should go for it with Michael Card if he's not married.  Oh my goodness...she went on and on....not even realizing that I have no interest in pursuing romantic interests at this time.  I just want to have good and healthy relationships and be emotionally stronger.
Maybe I feel better for having written.  At least I got to bawl my eyes out without it feeling like I was all alone.  Strange how that is.  It's better than when I was married.  He was too needy to let me have needs.  Or to realize how deeply I could feel.
So much in my heart.  But I am carried.  Surrounded.  Covered.  By His love.  Completely.  Always.
And so is the dear one.  A saint in His kingdom.  A blessing to hundreds.  Easily.  An example.  And truly amazingly bossy in the very best and kind way.  She makes me smile.  And always will.
I choose the good memories.  Though having memories of people I love can hurt....it is such a blessing to have them.  It intensifies loss.  Such is life.  And death.  Such is celebration.  And grief.  Because the time comes to all of us eventually that we have to say goodbye to this earth.  I have met people that I want to emulate.  To leave the little part of the world that I've touched just a little happier and a lot more loved than before I was.
My biggest thing right now is that I'm weary of chit chat.  But it's all there seems to be in life.  Guess I'll adapt.  But it totally wears me out.  Literally.  Especially when I am simultaneously thinking of such important things.  ;)
blessings.
let people know how much you cherish them.  it matters.

Some Days.

Some days I wonder what holds me here.  I say that friends and connections.  I say my job.  But what really holds me here?  Fear plays a part, I know.  Though, missing my support system would be difficult too.  But lately I've been opening up the places and looking at what really is and finding that in many areas, I am the one who enjoys and seeks others.  I guess that maybe I'm preparing myself to move on to a place in life where others enjoy me as well...seek me out....hear me when I don't say what I need.  I am such the introvert.  And, as I've had to learn, that doesn't mean that I don't like company, just that I have a small circle that is relaxing and the much larger circle is work for me...even when it's fun. And that very fact is a put off to many because my selection is so narrow.  Once again, my personality causes me pain.  But that's just how it is.  I'm past hating myself for it.  And THAT is huge.  Now I have to pray and think and seek.  I have to learn to let go of those who don't choose me.  So hard when it's those I choose.  I have very good taste.  But the fact has remained for long that I can go long periods of time without ever hearing from those that I consider my "best" friends.  And actually, truth be told, I usually reach back out.  Though that's hard for me.  I have one friend that has been a very good friend...yet, never connects, never responds to messages, never initiates.  If I happen to reach her for real on the phone, she is kind.  She will come to things.  I guess things have changed.  Or maybe they haven't.  Maybe I'm just coming back to life and noticing that I lost so much more over the years than I can express.
But.  Today.  This day.  I am working on my bedroom.  I am reclaiming my life again.  Piece by piece.  Trying to stand and walk.  Feeling the need of connection.  Knowing that it's not mine to have.  Just what it is.  So, I'll work.  And enjoy.  And not be afraid.  I'm not really lonely like some get lonely.  I kind of like being alone.
Yet.  Still.  That invisible feeling hurts.
However.  Less now.  Because I had a revelation.  I am finally not invisible to myself.  That matters.  One step at a time.
blessings.

depth and sharing

tonight was beautiful.  about grace. about redemption.  about god wanting to be with us.  how he shows us over and over and over and over.  it was breath.  it was food.  but there was nobody to tell it to.  i needed to "debrief"...to share the depth of the spiritual experience.  I have been lacking that in life.  i try, but usually feel stupid.  i guess i just had to sit with the emotion.  with the experience.  but it lacked something.
community.  relationship.  i have my kids.  they are good.  i actually spoke to a couple of people tonight and survived.  but there's nobody that connects to my heart and seeks it out.  who desires to know or hear.  sometimes i wonder if i'm destined to be invisible in the deep things of life....if maybe that's just how it will be.  god sees me.  i'll live.  i'll even thrive.  but i will also mourn.  i remember times of connection.  i just guess that i've lost it.  that i don't know how.  or that i'm a pain or something.
lots of talking in the world.  but i really crave sharing.  depth.  that's what feeds me.  so, i've been walking and loving and going on.  but though i love people.  though i know they love me.  in this manner...i am invisible.
but still....it was a beautiful night.  and i can share that here.
blessings.

i am fearless

have on my sweater.  have a scarf ready.  it's a warm evening.  church is sure to be warm too.  but i know that i'll be cold.  because i'm going on my own to see michael card.  i wasn't going.  no friends to sit with...they are in choir.  the choir is singing.  that's why i'm going.  i wasn't even remotely thinking i would.  but then, i heard my daughter belting out some of the tunes that she will be singing with michael card tonight...she's in the choir too.  and...i decided that i should be there.  my ex is in the choir as well.  that is proving to be difficult.  he gets more and more involved.  i feel pushed out of just about every arena since the things he does are things that are "church wide" activities.  but i am going.  i'll see how it is.  i just love hearing my daughter sing worship songs.  seeing her face.  i don't want to miss it because it is awkward when people still associate me with my ex.  they come to tell me how they enjoy his singing.  i'm never really sure what to say.
but i am fearless. i am at peace.  i am loved.
blessings.

moocher

it shouldn't surprise me that my ex is using my stepmom to do his taxes.  but..still...somehow, it still does.  i should have known since she does it free for family. guess he's family. i find it uncomfortable in a weird way. kinda horrible. but the thing is that my taxes are done.  and i wasn't dependent on him to do them.  it is weird how he is so good at mooching that he can just appear needy and like a victim so that people just feel a need to help him.  MY family.  Not just his.  Crazy world.  Oh well.  Moving on.  Loving.  Living.  Giving.  Playing.  Trying.  Hoping.  Changing.  Risking.  I am not staying where I was.  Not in any way.
He hasn't changed.  Not at all.  Though he says he has.
Good reminder for me.
blessings.

determined...at one year mark.

not stubborn.  determined.  ready to go the distance.  ready to make a new life.  it's not easy.  it takes a tremendousy amount of learning...and relearning.  i have had to figure out how to be kind to myself.  how to trust without being used.  i have had to change how i think.  how i respond.  i have had to monitor my thoughts.  i don't just like the idea.  it's not just my goal.  i am determined.  i will no longer live as i once did.  a year ago today i walked into a courthouse and put in papers for a legal separation.  i was brave.  i was determined to change my life.  to live differently.  to honor god with who he made me to be.
a year ago.  wow.  he moved out nearly a month later.  not quite, but nearly.  three months from this date, i went to court for finalization.  final.  my ex doesn't hear that.  he doesn't hear that i finally knew that is what i had to do.  he doesn't get that i mean it.  but i am determined to live.  fully.  faithfully.  lovingly.  kindly.  joyfully. peacefully.  and i have had a pretty good year.  a really good year.  though i've cried and struggled and faced a lot of emotional upheaval.  it has been healing.  i have grown.  i have learned.  i am becoming a woman that i will be able to be proud of.
blessings.

The Feel of a Mother's Hand

I don't have a mama.  Not here.  Not alive.  But, I have memories.  Memories of a mother's hand.  Holding mine.  Firmly.  Kindly.  Leading me.  Loving me. Cradling my head in her lap as she drove.  Patting my hair. Sitting by me with a cool cloth and a touch of her hand when I was very ill.  Very ill.  My mother was only around for a few very short years of my life.  And she worked.  But she was kind to me.  Didn't just love me.  Was kind.  She gave me something to hold onto in my heart. Something to know that I miss.  Yes, it makes me mourn.  It made a soft place in my heart.
I want those soft places.  Though they cause me to ache.  May I nurture them.  Celebrate them.  And weep at the loss of the things and people that have created them.
blessings.

Light of Day

The morning light came.

Feeding my soul again.
With it's bright smile.
Warm hues.
I don't have to worry.
I am surrounded by love.
In so many ways.
Blessed.

Battle No More

I am finding an uncanny ability to stand up for myself but refuse to battle.  The difference is marked.  I used to have to battle...to fight...for my mere self.  Just to exist.  To have things be calm.  It was a battle of huge proportions.  Not always a fight.  But a constant drain of resources.  Now, I will stand up for myself, but I will not spend my time engaged in a battle.  No reason.  I have a life to live.  I want to be free.
I will stand for others.  I will fight for my kids.  But I will not engage in that constant battling.  It is destructive.  Spiritual battles are a must.  A constant in life.  But there is my Commander who wages war and strengthens me and sends an army of angels to protect.  Those are just a part of life.
I just don't have it in me to battle about stuff anymore.  Who was right.  Who really cares?  I don't really care if I'm wrong.  It doesn't make or break me.
I'm choosing not to battle as a lifestyle.  It's interesting after 20+ years of having to hold a line just in order to have my own self be present.  Not even to get my way.  Just to be.  Crazy.
But, I don't live there anymore.  I choose not just "getting along", but something deeper.  I choose respect.  For me.  For others.
blessings.

Wishes

I feel badly sometimes.
About having wishes.  Hurts.  Longings.
I  feel badly because I am so very blessed.
But sometimes I do wish.
I wish that I was chosen sometimes.
I wish that there were more yesses in my life.
I wish that I were the kind of person that felt comfortable with lots of people.
I wish that sometimes my phone would ring just because someone loves me.
I wish that I could ask something and just get a yes.
I wish that people could see how hard I'm trying.
I wish that I could explain how hard it is to be alone in the world.
To be the head of a family.
To be the oldest generation
To be solely responsible for how my kids view God and His place in their lives.
I wish that I could be recognized as valuable not because someone needs something.
Just because.  Because they think being with me is good.  Enough.  Pleasant.
I wish that I wasn't this introverted person.
Everything seems harder in some ways.
Think more.
Harder to share it.
Deep needs.
Painful when nobody sees.
But I can't verbalize it so that they get it.
It takes too long.
I have no family to listen.
Everyone else has their own stuff.
I don't get written to.
Called.
Asked.
I am without family.
At work I have "friends". But it's professional.
At church it's rather a minefield.  Never sure.
And my previous friends?  I think they are probably tired of the drama of my life.
I wish that I had family to come and help me reclaim my home.
A daddy would have been nice.
To paint.  To fix.  To change things.
To hug me and let me know that I'm worth it.
Or to even have memories of that to carry with me.
I wish that I had a friend to hug long.  And tight.  To not let go until it quits feeling so shaky in the world.
Or a sister.
I am mourning tonight.
And that's ok.
Though I don't have these things that my heart longs for, I also don't have to keep filling the box for my exes needs anymore...while he depletes it just as quickly.
I wish that I had been enough to make up for all of the bad in our marriage.
So that my kids didn't have to suffer.
I wish that he would move away.
I wish that for once in my world since marriage that I would find that someone would choose me and not him.  Would see me.  Would be interested.  Would care enough to meet my heart needs even if it makes them have to sacrifice.
Sacrifice.
That's a family word.
To give up for another because you love.
Not always.  But when it counts.
I wish that I would hear yes when I ask stupid things.
I wish that he hadn't broken my heart.
Deeply.
Profoundly.
Without thought.
Without care.
Selfishly.
And causing me to have to really stop and think that other people do care and aren't trying to hurt....that they aren't using me like he did.
I hate that he wounded my sense of trust so deeply.
That I have to take that risk each and every day.
To trust.
I choose it.  I risk it.
But I hate that it's so hard.
My family chose him.
I wish they hadn't.
My friends choose both of us.
I wish that they didn't have to.
I wish that my church could understand how fake he is.
I wish that I had a place to tell my story and let even just one other woman know that she is not alone.
I wish that I had someone to call tonight.
Who wouldn't wonder what I wanted.  But who would just want to talk to me.
Who would perk up because it was me.
Today was a hard day.  I went to the women's event at church.
I was fearless.
I risked.
I wish that it wasn't so stinking hard.
I wish that I didn't have to cry alone.
I wish that the loyalty and friendship that I feel towards those I care about would be directed at me sometime.
I wish that it didn't make me so tired just to deal with all of the stuff.
I wish that I could be friend with the "in group" at church that does women's stuff.  That sits at the "in" table.  I look and I see how good it must feel to have those people interested in you.  Really interested.
I am just a passing moment.  I'm not friends with those people who do the choosing from the in crowd.  I am not unknown.
Just not close.
I am an outlyer.
And yet, for all of my wishing...it's just grief.
It just takes time to process the immense loss.  And it IS hard to do.
But though I am lonely, I am not alone.
And though I have wishes, I am happy.
And though my tears rush down my face and soak my jammies.....
those tears heal.  They bring release.
I no longer fear them.
And I no longer fear the aloneness.
Oh, I do wish.
But I am just giving voice to my deepest longings.
Which may or may not be fulfilled.
But I am giving them a voice.
I am not covering them up.
I will never again pretend that I don't have them.
I won't try to stuff them.
I won't try to make myself move along.
I will stop and examine the losses, the wishes...
and I will mourn them as long as I need to.
All while living a spectacular life.
I want to live in truth.
And it has to be bases on telling myself the truth.
Allowing myself the truth.
And not being afraid of the truth.
And in knowing that I can be thankful, happy, blessed, joyful, at peace...
and still have pain and grief.
They are not exclusive from one another.
My life does not look as I had imagined, dreamed or hoped.
But God is still working His plan.
And I do wish that I wasn't alone.  I wish that at any time of the day or night there was someone to call that would actually be happy to hear from me.
I do.  But that's not how life is right now.
I'm just me.
Being a mom.
Going to work.
Getting by.
Learning new things.
And I guess it's best this way right now.
Because I guess that I wouldn't be very good at being a friend.
At least I don't feel like a very good one.
Too intense in too many ways right now.
It'll lighten up eventually.
But evenso, I have to face that I don't and won't have family.
I've got to learn to be ok with that.
Because there's a good chance it will be always.
But I will keep risking.
Keep walking.
Keep wishing.
Keep hoping.
Keep loving.
Keep finding joy in this journey.  And I DO find joy.  Everywhere.
But because I do.....people think it's all ok.
Someday I hope to be sought out just for me,  Not for what I can do
nor how I perform.
Just because being with me or talking to me brings joy.
Wishes
=
Hope.

i apologize....but it was funny.

Snow Day

Finally it appears that we are going to get a big snow.  On a weekend. Ha.  No day off school for us.  But, that's ok.  I've got wood at the house.  The fireplace cleaned out.  Food.  Milk. Toilet paper.  Wine.  All's good.
As I was helping to bring in the wood, I realized how my ex did not take care of finishing things.  Most of the wood in the "stacks" is not cut to size...or cut at all.  There are innumerable piles of stuff all around the outside of the yard.  Stuff shoved up by the barn.  The house.  It's strange.  I didn't even go in the shed.  The barn has so much stuff hoarded away.  It's a little silly.  Sell it.  Give it.  I'll have to work on it.  But, there's just so much to do.  It will take time.
But, I am getting a snow day.  If there's no bible study then i'm going to just be present in my home.  Kinda looking forward to that.
Snow day.  A day to stop.  To rest.  To work.  But not have to run.
That's something to look forward to.
blessings.

A Margarita

I went out to dinner with two of my kids tonight.  We went to the cheap early meal at Texas Roadhouse. And had appetizers.  And it was happy hour.  So, I ordered a raspberry margarita.  It was delicious.  I ate a LOT of food, so it was ok for me...as I am not a big drinker and can't even drink wine on an empty tummy without feeling sleepy. ;)  But we laughed really hard.  Not after I was drinking.  Just the whole time we were out.  And it was an odd feeling because we were at that restaurant nearly a year ago on my birthday and it was pretty rough.  Ex had just left.  We were kind of shell shocked or something.  Not because I didn't want him to go, but because it had been so hard to get him to go.  Now, it's like we all breathe.  We seriously laughed so very hard.  Happy time.  I have a blessed life.
blessings.

crushed or lifted

i have had to make some decisions lately.  the biggest one has been what to do with all of the painful bad stuff. it sits on me.  weighs me down.  crushes me.  so...mentally...and we all know that i'm mental....i began to shift my perspective.  not "oh i'm so happy blah blah blah".  no, i started visualizing me bad stuff building up under me.  steps?  a podium?  a lawnchair?  i visualize them as different things as they come, but the point is that they are under me.  they are building me up to a better place rather than sitting on me.  and this changed me.  it put my troubles where they belong.  under me.  oh, i have to deal with each one as it comes. that's not the crushing part.  the crushing part is holding on to all of them at once and finding that there remains not a breath left in me and i am paralyzed.  so now, i take one at a time as best as i can.  and i fall apart now and again just to break up the pieces to make them easier to build with. ;)  but i don't allow them to get on top of me to stay.  i refuse that.  someone else used to hold bad things there.  ever in front of me.  no encouragement or belief in me.  i don't have to live like that anymore, so i need to make new choices.  have new vision.
blessings.

this spoke to me.

fearless?

trying so hard.  but so weary tonight of this stupid battle to be able to just be me and not be pushed by him.  another kid event.  another night that he'll be there.  probably.  and i just am...sad.  heart hurts.  he really screwed up.  i'm just so tired of always dealing and having to play nice.  he acts like he's a victim when in reality he harmed deeply.  guess i'll just take a breath and remember that i am......fearless.
i can do all things through jesus who gives me strength.  and boy do i need strength tonight.
blessings.

Fake

My ex is a fraud.  It took me a long time to just admit it.  I married a fraud.  He behaves like he's oh so nice. Yet, when he is with those he "loves", he chooses himself.  He chooses his schedule.  He chooses what he wants  He chooses how he wants it.
I was looking around my house and realizing that of the things I asked to be done, he did none.  He did many  projects, but refused to do anything that he was aware I wanted.  Boys bedroom being finished.  Light fixtures.  Fan above stove...vent.  Finish cabinetry trim in kitchen.  Fix bathroom door...lower it.  Fix blind.  Funny how he worked for so many hours but absolutely refused to do things that mattered to the kids.  Refused to do things that mattered to me.  A tree house that he promised my son...who is now turning 20 this week.  Truly.  It's not impatience on our part. We don't nag.  Nothing was able to matter to him if it wasn't his idea or choice.
As a matter of fact, if I wanted something,that meant it went to the back burner.  It was a lesson in how not to show interest or how to work backwards to express what I wanted.  Not a good thing.
All came up because he swooped in to our daughter's concert last night and got his photo taken with her.  It is her fb photo now.  She so craves genuine daddy love.  Being the princess.  But, the photo isn't what put me over the edge.  The aunt that I don't hear from, who comments on nothing, who "left me to god", commented that the photo was beautiful. She doesn't know him.  She sees that outer facade and buys in.  It's hard.  It's painful. It feels wrong. But there's nothing I can do about it.
I am learning how easy it is to hurt people by action and inaction.  I want to grow and be a kinder person,
I don't want to be with him.  He makes me feel sick.  Literally.  Scares me.
So...on to my day.
blessings.

Hard

Life can be hard.  But I choose not to be.  Though I have been a smartass in response to my freedom and lately stress....but, not hard hearted.  I choose a tender heart.  A giving heart.  I choose to love.  To see.  To hope.  I choose beauty.  And joy.  I choose to be kind.  I choose to be free.  To be full of life.  I choose to hope.  I choose who I am though I can't choose my circumstances.  I choose to move on.  To push through. Things have been hard.  But I don't have to be.  People can be mean.  Not understanding.  But I don't have to be.  I can be the person that I was created to be.  I can walk free.
But not without being purposeful.  Not without looking closely and deciding what matters.
I am learning about speaking my mind a bit.  It gets me in trouble.  I'll find the balance.
I need to get through this hard time...again.  It's hard on me body mind and soul.  But I will make it through.  God walks before me.  He carries me when I can't follow.  I'll be fine.
blessings.

Tears. And More tears

Fighting it out with an aunt tonight.  Again.  But this time it was no holdbacks.  I just told her to quit writing to convince me to stay with my ex.  That I'm hurt by the fact that she has had no interest in me for so long and then jumps in for this.  We have written back and forth some.  I am bawling.  She has her own life.  I am not a part of it.  But she doesn't want me to screw up.
And I have nowhere to go. No hug to get.  Nobody that is mine to hear me.  I tried to call a friend but felt like a lame complainer.  It was a hard weekend and then this.  And then a son that is acting like his dad.  Making me crazy. And I don't know how to do anything else than just cry it out and wish that I weren't the matriarch of the family.  But it is what it is.  Should be on a sign in my bedroom.  Maybe I'll make one.  Paint it right on the wall.  I'm just so tired.  Bone weary.  Blah.  Done with fighting but people are always pushing.
Just need a really good night's sleep but headaches don't really allow for that.
So I'll just stop.  And take a deep breath.  Drink a glass of wine.  And remember that I'm happy.  And loved.  And moving forward.
And can you believe...she wrote my ex and he was so sweet so she assumed I had left him.  Which I did...but somehow that translated that there was someone else.  BBBBBBBBBBBlllllllllaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
hahahhahahahahhaa.  I guess it's a little funny.  I did just smile.  Could be the bit of wine helping me to relax.
And the tears.  So many that they are burning my face.
But I'm here.  And I'm ok.
blessings.

The Struggle

The struggle continues.  Generation after generation.  Year after year.  Day after day.  Moment by moment.  The struggle to remember truth.  To rest and trust.  The struggle to remember that we are not in control...and that there is no fear in that.  No unrest.  No worry.  All is managed.  We are cared for.  More than just maintained.  We are cherished.  Treated as beloveds.  But we get caught.  In the pain of life.  In rejection.  In losing.  In failing.  We lose sight of the light.  We try even harder to be the light.  But we are only reflectors of the true and lasting light.  It's a struggle.
The doing is unnecessary.  But the battle to not do will always remain.  The spiritual battle that tells us that we should do more.  Be more.  Accomplish more.  The battle to be accepted.  To be cared for.  To be chosen.  It's all around.  Part of a broken world.  But we don't have to live there.  We can choose.  We can stop striving.  And remember.  To let go.  To breathe.  To allow life to happen instead of trying to make it happen.  Each moment will come.  The only real battle is to choose to remain.  With the One who has a plan AND the power to carry it out.  Who is strong enough to carry us and gentle enough to comfort us.
The struggle is part of our heritage.  As women we feel this need to make all right in the world.  Especially in the world of those we love.  But we don't need to.  We just need to be uniquely us as we are used by the hands of our Leader.  Us.  Not some patterned out woman that is supposed to do all.  Just us.  Simply.
I need to remember.  The struggle is a lie.  It is a part of the original fall.  Making our own plans.  Worrying.  Striving.  I want to live in rest.  In perfect peace.  I want to fight THAT fight.
blessings.

emails and texts

my ex reminds me ever so often why i am so very glad not to be married to him.  today he was needy regarding taxes.  i let him know what number to put on what line so that we could share expenses of the rental.  now he has more questions.  now he wants me to do things to make it easier.  and i'm so very not interested.  but then, he needed my son because they had made plans to go out to dinner.  but i was out and not home.  he was texting from my house.  he was at my door.  he knocked on my door.  with my son home.  the one that doesn't see him.  who went to the door.  and was caught off guard.  i feel badly.  he says if his dad would have come in he would either have called the police or hurt him.  he said that he shouldn't be trespassing.  he answered the door because the porch light wasn't on and he thought that i must be locked out.  when he saw him, he said his dad asked for his brother.  so, he slammed the door and went to get him. very rude.  i said so.  he said that polite is for others.  i hope he grows past that.  but it is where he is.  his dad has hurt him.
just one of those times....again...of having to communicate.  blech/  

celebrating

walking the dogs today, i celebrated.  i had been berating myself that i don't walk them every day.  more like twice a week.  but then i realized...it's twice more than before.  i am making progress.  i am changing.  it doesn't all stick right away, but it is happening.  i am finding out how to make it.  on my own.  yet not on my own at all.
then, i was out running errands and there was a poor person with a sign.  i hesitated.  then, rolled down the window and handed him a ten.  hi smiled at me with clear eyes and kindness.  he said thank you and god bless.  i said "have a great saturday."  and as i pulled away, i breathed.  i spent too long being told that giving had to be responsible.  that it had to be wise.  but where in the bible does it say that? it says to be wise with words.  wise with thoughts.  wise with actions.  but it says to be generous in giving.  i can't be responsible for what people do with the money.  i can't even judge it.  they are where they are.  just as i am.  doing the best they can.  just as i am.  but i was so chastised about money things that giving became a stress.  oh, my ex gave to the united way...and a missionary...wrote them off on his taxes...had them taken automatically out of his account. just a bit.  not much.  but, i want to give.  i want to see what god does.  i want to see their eyes. i want to celebrate a moment of human kindness.  i want to have life touch life.  i want to see hope spark.
i am celebrating the happiness of my depths.  not just of outward things, but of things of the spirit.
i am celebrating.  i am happy.  genuinely happy.  and learning to find peace in being me.  even if me is unacceptable to him.  or to others.
I am certain that there is nothing better for a man than to be glad, and to do good while life is in him. Ecclesiastes 3:12 
blessings.

All the way in

Happy comes when I am all the way in.  Not hesitant.  Not holding back.  Freed.  Ready.  Moving.  Choosing.  Stretching.  Reaching.  Content but not complacent.

Just like this giraffe I saw at the zoo.  Reaching.  Far.  Beyond the boundary.  To snatch a taste of something delicious.  Right in front of everybody.  He had to get a little uncomfortable.  He had to really
s    t    r    e    t    c    h.  But he did.  He didn't stand looking longingly over the fence.  He didn't wait until someone told him it was ok.  He didn't hope that eventually he would get to be in that cage.  Nope.  He made his move.  Decisively.  Courageously.  And, he was successful.  Of course, that's because of his amazingly long tongue!!  But, still, you get the idea.  It's easy to blame everyone else for us not having or doing what makes us happy.  I think that we just do that because it's too hare to own it and make the hard decision to DO whatever it is.  To make our move.  To stand up.  To choose.  To be seen as different.  To be seen at all.  But how delicious it it to STRETCH!
blessings.  get all the way in!!! don't be half hearted.