So much in my heart

There has been a lot going on in the world lately.  I've had sorrow with nowhere to express it.  I've experienced a weird kind of grief and I don't even know how to explain it.  Not even here.  I've "lost" so many people in my lifetime. And for those who have not, it's easy to say, "they're in a better place" or some such thing.  And the bottom line is that it is true.  But it still hurts.  It hurts a lot.  Deeply.  It's loss.  It's something missing.  It's pain.  And....lately, I've realized that there's someone that I've come to respect and love that I will lose eventually.  Obviously, not family. ;)  Loving older people is wonderful.  They are so wise and have so much ability to see more clearly.  But, in this instance, I am finding my heart having trouble.  I am weepy and troubled at the thought.  When you lose family, you are there.  You are expected to grieve.  You have "permission".  But this is a journey that I go on alone.  Quietly grieving illness and pain.  Feeling a sense of loss and also a sense of wonder that I feel such a loss.  No computer connection anymore.  I never even told why I parted from my husband.  I wanted to so many times...but it just felt like the emotion would be hard on her.
I pray.  I am rediscovering that prayer warrior that lives within me.  I'm not the one at the church on the prayer "team".  I just have a deep sense of empathy that is best expressed in prayer.  It's a good place to express it.  It bolsters me.  It won't make it not hurt when the time does finally come to say goodbye.  The last months have been hard as I try to stay on the peripheral.  She has been in and out of the hospital.  She has lost weight I heard.  Not eating much. Having some memory struggles.  Every day I wonder how she is.  No real way of finding out.  So, again..I pray.  I wonder sometimes if I'll ever see her again.  Not really sure actually.  She doesn't live near.  Yep, that is what always throws me over the edge.  But there's a part of me that just rests in the fact of how well loved she is.  In how she is cared for.  And I may or may not see her again.  But I can love fully.  Even if it hurts.
That's what I've learned.  I can love.  Really love.  And care about someone else's needs.  And I can survive the pain that can come from that.  And the benefits of love are way greater than the pain.  I don't have to get something out of it.  Nothing tangible.  Just the act of being able to love connects me with my Father.  It's pretty amazing.
My heart has been on overload though.  With that and with my ex stuff that goes on.  And what with not really being able to tell anyone.  So pretty much I get to figure out how to walk this on my own.
A friend was cracking me up last night talking about how I should go for it with Michael Card if he's not married.  Oh my goodness...she went on and on....not even realizing that I have no interest in pursuing romantic interests at this time.  I just want to have good and healthy relationships and be emotionally stronger.
Maybe I feel better for having written.  At least I got to bawl my eyes out without it feeling like I was all alone.  Strange how that is.  It's better than when I was married.  He was too needy to let me have needs.  Or to realize how deeply I could feel.
So much in my heart.  But I am carried.  Surrounded.  Covered.  By His love.  Completely.  Always.
And so is the dear one.  A saint in His kingdom.  A blessing to hundreds.  Easily.  An example.  And truly amazingly bossy in the very best and kind way.  She makes me smile.  And always will.
I choose the good memories.  Though having memories of people I love can hurt....it is such a blessing to have them.  It intensifies loss.  Such is life.  And death.  Such is celebration.  And grief.  Because the time comes to all of us eventually that we have to say goodbye to this earth.  I have met people that I want to emulate.  To leave the little part of the world that I've touched just a little happier and a lot more loved than before I was.
My biggest thing right now is that I'm weary of chit chat.  But it's all there seems to be in life.  Guess I'll adapt.  But it totally wears me out.  Literally.  Especially when I am simultaneously thinking of such important things.  ;)
blessings.
let people know how much you cherish them.  it matters.