Wishes

I feel badly sometimes.
About having wishes.  Hurts.  Longings.
I  feel badly because I am so very blessed.
But sometimes I do wish.
I wish that I was chosen sometimes.
I wish that there were more yesses in my life.
I wish that I were the kind of person that felt comfortable with lots of people.
I wish that sometimes my phone would ring just because someone loves me.
I wish that I could ask something and just get a yes.
I wish that people could see how hard I'm trying.
I wish that I could explain how hard it is to be alone in the world.
To be the head of a family.
To be the oldest generation
To be solely responsible for how my kids view God and His place in their lives.
I wish that I could be recognized as valuable not because someone needs something.
Just because.  Because they think being with me is good.  Enough.  Pleasant.
I wish that I wasn't this introverted person.
Everything seems harder in some ways.
Think more.
Harder to share it.
Deep needs.
Painful when nobody sees.
But I can't verbalize it so that they get it.
It takes too long.
I have no family to listen.
Everyone else has their own stuff.
I don't get written to.
Called.
Asked.
I am without family.
At work I have "friends". But it's professional.
At church it's rather a minefield.  Never sure.
And my previous friends?  I think they are probably tired of the drama of my life.
I wish that I had family to come and help me reclaim my home.
A daddy would have been nice.
To paint.  To fix.  To change things.
To hug me and let me know that I'm worth it.
Or to even have memories of that to carry with me.
I wish that I had a friend to hug long.  And tight.  To not let go until it quits feeling so shaky in the world.
Or a sister.
I am mourning tonight.
And that's ok.
Though I don't have these things that my heart longs for, I also don't have to keep filling the box for my exes needs anymore...while he depletes it just as quickly.
I wish that I had been enough to make up for all of the bad in our marriage.
So that my kids didn't have to suffer.
I wish that he would move away.
I wish that for once in my world since marriage that I would find that someone would choose me and not him.  Would see me.  Would be interested.  Would care enough to meet my heart needs even if it makes them have to sacrifice.
Sacrifice.
That's a family word.
To give up for another because you love.
Not always.  But when it counts.
I wish that I would hear yes when I ask stupid things.
I wish that he hadn't broken my heart.
Deeply.
Profoundly.
Without thought.
Without care.
Selfishly.
And causing me to have to really stop and think that other people do care and aren't trying to hurt....that they aren't using me like he did.
I hate that he wounded my sense of trust so deeply.
That I have to take that risk each and every day.
To trust.
I choose it.  I risk it.
But I hate that it's so hard.
My family chose him.
I wish they hadn't.
My friends choose both of us.
I wish that they didn't have to.
I wish that my church could understand how fake he is.
I wish that I had a place to tell my story and let even just one other woman know that she is not alone.
I wish that I had someone to call tonight.
Who wouldn't wonder what I wanted.  But who would just want to talk to me.
Who would perk up because it was me.
Today was a hard day.  I went to the women's event at church.
I was fearless.
I risked.
I wish that it wasn't so stinking hard.
I wish that I didn't have to cry alone.
I wish that the loyalty and friendship that I feel towards those I care about would be directed at me sometime.
I wish that it didn't make me so tired just to deal with all of the stuff.
I wish that I could be friend with the "in group" at church that does women's stuff.  That sits at the "in" table.  I look and I see how good it must feel to have those people interested in you.  Really interested.
I am just a passing moment.  I'm not friends with those people who do the choosing from the in crowd.  I am not unknown.
Just not close.
I am an outlyer.
And yet, for all of my wishing...it's just grief.
It just takes time to process the immense loss.  And it IS hard to do.
But though I am lonely, I am not alone.
And though I have wishes, I am happy.
And though my tears rush down my face and soak my jammies.....
those tears heal.  They bring release.
I no longer fear them.
And I no longer fear the aloneness.
Oh, I do wish.
But I am just giving voice to my deepest longings.
Which may or may not be fulfilled.
But I am giving them a voice.
I am not covering them up.
I will never again pretend that I don't have them.
I won't try to stuff them.
I won't try to make myself move along.
I will stop and examine the losses, the wishes...
and I will mourn them as long as I need to.
All while living a spectacular life.
I want to live in truth.
And it has to be bases on telling myself the truth.
Allowing myself the truth.
And not being afraid of the truth.
And in knowing that I can be thankful, happy, blessed, joyful, at peace...
and still have pain and grief.
They are not exclusive from one another.
My life does not look as I had imagined, dreamed or hoped.
But God is still working His plan.
And I do wish that I wasn't alone.  I wish that at any time of the day or night there was someone to call that would actually be happy to hear from me.
I do.  But that's not how life is right now.
I'm just me.
Being a mom.
Going to work.
Getting by.
Learning new things.
And I guess it's best this way right now.
Because I guess that I wouldn't be very good at being a friend.
At least I don't feel like a very good one.
Too intense in too many ways right now.
It'll lighten up eventually.
But evenso, I have to face that I don't and won't have family.
I've got to learn to be ok with that.
Because there's a good chance it will be always.
But I will keep risking.
Keep walking.
Keep wishing.
Keep hoping.
Keep loving.
Keep finding joy in this journey.  And I DO find joy.  Everywhere.
But because I do.....people think it's all ok.
Someday I hope to be sought out just for me,  Not for what I can do
nor how I perform.
Just because being with me or talking to me brings joy.
Wishes
=
Hope.