Well, I bought the tickets. Asked some friends. And then...all day....tried to decided if I was going to play or not. Frankly, I haven't been feeling well. And this is...well...it's dodgeball and mechanical bull riding and bouncing basketball and yes, huge trampolines for jumping. And I'm....kinda old. But, all day I had this sense...that I needed to participate. That I need to challenge myself. Even if it's just a little bit. So I decided that I was going to play. That I was not going to sit in the snack bar or on the benches. That I was going to move forward in my life. That I was going to be brave in this little thing.
For others it's no big deal. But for me, it's huge. My heart was pounding as I got my wrist bands. I like being on the fringe. I've gotten accustomed to it. Even with people I love. But, it's time to actually live again. To risk. To try stuff. So, I got on the bull. Yes, you read that right. I was so afraid I would fall off. That it would hurt. That everyone was watching didn't help. Rough times. I couldn't get on. Seriously. So, my friend got on the floor and let me clib on her back. Hahahahhahahaaa. Snort. Guffaw. Man, that was a hoot. But, I did it. On the easiest setting. It was a good thing to do. To force myself to say yes.
And I jumped in the huge foam pit. Even from the higher dive. I was not graceful. I did not do anything fancy. But I jumped. Four times. And I managed to get out. I want to teach myself that I can always get out. Eventually. That I should relax and not fear. It will happen I will make it. Eventually.
There are all kinds of life lessons to have if I actually live. Participate. And, the sweet thing is that I get to be WITH my kids. Not just observing them. That I can be vulnerable with my friends. That I can be fearless...while being scared.
I don't have to compete. I spent so many years with someone who made me feel small and inadequate. I taught him to ski. He made it not fun I taught him to camp. Same. Somehow, he took all of the things that I loved away from me. I love having fun. Not to compete. Not to be better. Not to beat someone down. Simply for the exuberance that comes from the time together. From the lessons learned. He even did the gardening thing at the end of our marriage. Anything I ever did, he had to do...not to do it together...to be better, to show me up. He was not an uplifter of me at all. Surprised I don't have a permanent footprint on my back where he used me to boost himself up. And I didn't think about it. I didn't realize until now how very wrong it is. I tried to be better. To keep lifting him....what a goofball I was. No more.
Now I choose the kinds of people to be in my life who will get down and let me get up...knowing that I will do the same for them. It's not give and take. It's not about fair. It's about caring. It's about relationship,
I am learning to teach my children as we sit, rise and walk along the way. God can speak in all times and all ways. They were pretty beaten down spiritually too. I used to teach them from the Bible. But he always had to make it about what they weren't doing right. I hated it. My job? To simply point to their Father and let HIM draw them, love them, heal them and reveal Himself to them in His way and time. I get to pray for them. Fervently. Truthfully. Deeply. And I get to let go and let Him guide. He's better at it. I get to let Him use me in their lives instead of me trying to use Him in their lives. Much better. Freedom. Blessing. Grace. Peace. Laughter. Room to grow. Room to risk. Room to make mistakes. Room to learn.
All of that from going to a play place? You bet. Because learning to risk and try and fail and try again and let people help you and pray and trust....they are all life lessons. And I teach them best when I am taking part in life.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.