Wow, this was a rough weekend so far. But, today I went "off grid"...no phone, no computer social network for more than 12 hours. ;) Last night was hard, but today, moreso.
My ex showed up at my ladies event. He was there to be part of the men's ministry team. He is EVERYWHERE. But he has had no change. He wants to win me. He is trying to show that he can. I'm not something to win, I am a being to nurture. And in 20 years, I wasn't able to help him to see that.
I have a lot of stuff to work through, but bottom line, I'm glad to be doing it one on one with God. I'm glad that I don't have to carry my ex anymore.
I look at how he grew in our marriage....singing, being a soloist, going on a missions trip, learning to read and study his bible, growing in mechanical confidence, and many other things. I see how I helped to draw him into learning and trying things. How I believed in him. And I look at how the opposite happened to me. There is something really bad about that.
He went to the church today. He behaves around everyone as if it shouldn't be strange for us to be together. He stayed right in an area where he knew I had to go to pack up stuff from last night. Then he made another trip up that way to deliver a chair...though there were 6 or more guys. He then, after working, didn't leave by the door at that end of the building, but walked back where I was and even asked to help. Awkward. Weird. Painful. Inserting himself. Pushing. Not a kindness. Just creepy. Knowing that I've told and written him that I need him to step back. Step away. But he doesn't.
How it still causes me so much pain trouble, I don't know. It literally made my body weak. Tired. Drained. Emptied. He has a way of taking away. Depleting. It's really pretty sad. But I am learning. Growing. God is faithful. He has brought peace. He gave me a friend to ease the burden...and take away my phone. ;)
Now, for sleep. And wishing that people could understand that not all stories end the same.
blessings.
My ex showed up at my ladies event. He was there to be part of the men's ministry team. He is EVERYWHERE. But he has had no change. He wants to win me. He is trying to show that he can. I'm not something to win, I am a being to nurture. And in 20 years, I wasn't able to help him to see that.
I have a lot of stuff to work through, but bottom line, I'm glad to be doing it one on one with God. I'm glad that I don't have to carry my ex anymore.
I look at how he grew in our marriage....singing, being a soloist, going on a missions trip, learning to read and study his bible, growing in mechanical confidence, and many other things. I see how I helped to draw him into learning and trying things. How I believed in him. And I look at how the opposite happened to me. There is something really bad about that.
He went to the church today. He behaves around everyone as if it shouldn't be strange for us to be together. He stayed right in an area where he knew I had to go to pack up stuff from last night. Then he made another trip up that way to deliver a chair...though there were 6 or more guys. He then, after working, didn't leave by the door at that end of the building, but walked back where I was and even asked to help. Awkward. Weird. Painful. Inserting himself. Pushing. Not a kindness. Just creepy. Knowing that I've told and written him that I need him to step back. Step away. But he doesn't.
How it still causes me so much pain trouble, I don't know. It literally made my body weak. Tired. Drained. Emptied. He has a way of taking away. Depleting. It's really pretty sad. But I am learning. Growing. God is faithful. He has brought peace. He gave me a friend to ease the burden...and take away my phone. ;)
Now, for sleep. And wishing that people could understand that not all stories end the same.
blessings.
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