My timeline doesn't always work out. Last year, I had thought that by this time this year, I would be able to entertain my ex and his family at my son's graduation. As it turns out, I'm not as ready emotionally as I had hoped. But, it does explain the bit of a spring I see in his step. His more brazen overtures to be in my space. He knows what I was shooting for. He knows that I will keep my word. He knows that he will be in my house. He knows.
And that's ok. I have to face it eventually. Weddings coming up. Grandkids birthdays. College Graduations. But frankly, with being at a new job and handling things with the kids....with a renewed kindness and time taking and allowing them to work through things......I'm simply overwhelmed. My garden needs cleaned out. My son had said he would do it last fall...but, he kinda did it. The parts he deemed as fun. :) My floors and my cupboards. Everywhere I look it's just blech. And it's like I can barely get mobilized. I'd hire someone, but I'd rather go on vacation. I know that my ex and his family will judge me based on the house. I have to decide that it doesn't matter. I have to live and do what makes my son happy for his day. It's not a competition to please the ex and his family.. But it hurts. A lot. Takes my breath away. I want to show off how well we have done. But it doesn't show in this way. It shows in smiles. And talking about hard stuff. It shows in my kids having a voice and a choice.
But I want my house to be fabulous. Deep inside, I wish I had it in me to get it done to rub his face in it. I know....bad attitude. But he held over me so long how I wasn't responsible and how I didn't do things well. Not to mention his mother's views....aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh.
But my son just wants chicken nuggets. Homemade. And games. And yes, a clean house. So....I think that I should focus on those things. And cake.
I want to do it well. I want to look good. But life isn't about looking good for someone I don't even respect. It's about living. About being me. About standing up and saying, "to hell with your demands, expectations, and disappointment! I am living and living well. I am happy. The kids are happy. Life is not about these shallow things."
butistillwanttoshowoffandshowhimhowmuchidon'tneedhim. dammit.
And that's ok. I have to face it eventually. Weddings coming up. Grandkids birthdays. College Graduations. But frankly, with being at a new job and handling things with the kids....with a renewed kindness and time taking and allowing them to work through things......I'm simply overwhelmed. My garden needs cleaned out. My son had said he would do it last fall...but, he kinda did it. The parts he deemed as fun. :) My floors and my cupboards. Everywhere I look it's just blech. And it's like I can barely get mobilized. I'd hire someone, but I'd rather go on vacation. I know that my ex and his family will judge me based on the house. I have to decide that it doesn't matter. I have to live and do what makes my son happy for his day. It's not a competition to please the ex and his family.. But it hurts. A lot. Takes my breath away. I want to show off how well we have done. But it doesn't show in this way. It shows in smiles. And talking about hard stuff. It shows in my kids having a voice and a choice.
But I want my house to be fabulous. Deep inside, I wish I had it in me to get it done to rub his face in it. I know....bad attitude. But he held over me so long how I wasn't responsible and how I didn't do things well. Not to mention his mother's views....aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh.
But my son just wants chicken nuggets. Homemade. And games. And yes, a clean house. So....I think that I should focus on those things. And cake.
I want to do it well. I want to look good. But life isn't about looking good for someone I don't even respect. It's about living. About being me. About standing up and saying, "to hell with your demands, expectations, and disappointment! I am living and living well. I am happy. The kids are happy. Life is not about these shallow things."
butistillwanttoshowoffandshowhimhowmuchidon'tneedhim. dammit.
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