permission

i find burning a field a stress reliever.  I love knowing that it cleans up for new growth.  i don't have a real field to burn anymore, so my garden has to suffice.  and it has plenty of dead undergrowth to qualify.  i love the smell of the smoke.  i know...weird.  i love the heat and the way fire burns.  it takes skill.  it's not as easy to start a fire as people think.  but i hadn't burned in awhile.

on my birthday, i was given a wrapped box.  it was a box of 300 matches.  i've used them all this week.  i've burned sunflower stocks.  hollyhock stocks.  fallen tree branches.  leaves.  i've picked up around the yard and burned the sticks that littered the ground after winter.  and i love it.  i breathe.  i relax.  i pray.  i think.  my mind works much like a flame....always looking for a way through.  that is why my marriage was so hard on me.  i never could find one.  and finally, it was snuffed out.  

i have a lot to do in the next few weeks.  a lot....and so, i was feeling guilty about being outside burning and enjoying the day.  it was my second time this week.  i kept thinking that i should be inside cleaning.  getting ready.  doing what i'm supposed to do.  

and then i realized...the yard needs cleaned up.  i am doing something that i really want to do that isn't hurting anyone AND is accomplishing something good.  i need to cut myself some slack.  i am so used to doing what he thought i should.  it plays in my head.  it feels heavy.  weighty.  like i can't shake a shadow.  

but today, for just a little while, i let go of it and reveled in the right now and what i was doing....burning to make room for new growth.  cleaning up.  twas nice.  even if it was for just a little while.

now i need a bath.  i am filthy and tired.  i worked hard.  i still have a messy house.  but i did a good thing.  

i learned to let go of his hold on me...just a little bit more.  

he really hurt me.  he doesn't even care.  

jerk.

but this wonderful thing was part of today too.  it brought tears to my eyes.  remember, the matches were a gift.  and i was so touched today as i thought of how blessed i am to be known.  matches.  who would give matches for a birthday?  hahahhaa.  a person who knows not only what i like, but what i need, who i am, how i process, how i need that quiet time.  what an indescribable gift.  to give me permission to do and be what i need.  wow.  seriously, i was married for over twenty years and he never once had that insight.  not once.  and got mad when i would try to ask him to try to know me.  too much trouble.  sad.  and yet, i have friends.  and they not only love me.  they choose to know me.  for who i am.  and give me matches when i need them most.
i am blessed.