You know, I have heard the "women's movement," a lack of submission, hormones, women working, and all kinds of things attributed to the decline of marriage. And I have SEEN the decline in successful marriages. But I'm not a feminist. I didn't put a career in front of my family. I wasn't overly hormonal nor dramatic. I am not a doormat, but feel like I had a healthy idea of what submission should look like. Many of the women of about my age are very similar. Stayed home to take care of kids. Raised great kids. But lived lives that were miserable. They didn't just feel taken forgranted...they felt abused. I felt abused. I was not just unhappy, I was destroyed.
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. What is the root? Why are marriages so troubled? Yes, women have a lot of blame. But without a doubt, I am seeing a lack of leadership from men. A lack of compassion. I have found a lot of similar stories....I gave and gave and gave...and he took. I put him through school. I gave up a good job. I gave up my boundaries. And men are not stepping up. They are not being trustworthy. Pornography is rampant. Affairs. Excuses. Being too busy to be involved with children. Helping everyone but their own families. Touching everyone but their wives. Or treating their wives with kindness only in order to get sex. Using. Holding being the bread winner over their wife.
And you probably think that I'm going to blame those "bad" men. Right?
Wrong.
I have come to realize in my time of thinking and praying that men ARE behaving badly for far too long. But, at least in my case, I have to take responsibility for allowing it. For not standing against evil. Even in my own home. For not confronting and speaking truth....and then DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Somehow, I bought some false story that God wants me to support my man no matter what. That I should submit to whatever he says or I'm in the wrong. That I should make it work. PERIOD. No getting out. That mindset. That worldly/christian view...it harmed me. A lot.
God didn't say those things. HE HATES DIVORCE. Can't tell you how much I've heard that. Especially now that I have a divorce under my belt. But God doesn't hate the paper. God hates the divorcing of ourselves from one another. He desires relationship. He longs for marriages to be an exemplar to the world of His relationship to people. He doesn't desire false living. Nor pretending. He doesn't desire for people to live together with hate in their hearts but not "divorced". They ARE divorced when they live that way. Hear me clearly.....if calling a man in a fool in my heart is like committing murder....if attitude is THAT important....then we as the church have really messed up.
It's not about keeping people together on paper. It's not about making sure they make it 60 or 70 years. It is about real, true relationship. It is about backing up people...read women....when they say that something is really wrong....and giving them recourse so that perhaps they can actually make things turn around. Because frankly, saying the words, "just make it work," doesn't help a whole lot. Men get lazy about caring. Loving. They have that verse...that submit verse. They can throw it out. Guilt her. I have to say it....I RARELY hear anyone tell a man that he should be loving his wife as Christ loves the church. I see more people put the responsibility of a successful marriage on a woman and leave the men to do as they choose.
The problem is...it's not good for the men either. They are losing their way. They are falling prisoner to selfishness and pride. They are failing to love their families. And they fall further and further into the pit as women are prohibited by some ideal that they have to stay and allow it.
I think that saying the "D" word...divorce...should be less of a crime. It should be openly discussed that there are some things that are not ok. And that filing paperwork isn't the thing that is the worst thing that ever happens. The worst thing is the complete breaking of trust, of pride overcoming love, of every little thing that tears away at relationship. The crime is not the paperwork. The death comes first. Then the paperwork. Before death, there are lots of things that can be done. Lots of treatments. But it feels like nobody really cares until the paperwork.
Yes, men are behaving badly. But I think that a lot of it has to do with women being too beaten down and not standing up and saying, "no". I find that I knew what was wrong. I tried to say what was wrong. I got mad. I got hurt. I kept being more beaten down. But instead of that...I should have claimed my rights, my responsibilities and my power as a daughter of the King. I should have stood up and said you will not destroy this family. I should have told everyone. I should have....
but I felt I couldn't.
I felt limited.
I felt alone.
I felt......
but my feelings are not truth.
And I take responsibility. He was a jerk. Really. It was bad. But instead of a slow, painful death, I should have pushed him. We may have parted sooner. We may never have parted. But I wouldn't have lost hope. And he would have had less time to become a complacent, taker who functioned meanly.
i must own it. my part of it. it's mine to give to god. who loves me. even now.
blessings.
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. What is the root? Why are marriages so troubled? Yes, women have a lot of blame. But without a doubt, I am seeing a lack of leadership from men. A lack of compassion. I have found a lot of similar stories....I gave and gave and gave...and he took. I put him through school. I gave up a good job. I gave up my boundaries. And men are not stepping up. They are not being trustworthy. Pornography is rampant. Affairs. Excuses. Being too busy to be involved with children. Helping everyone but their own families. Touching everyone but their wives. Or treating their wives with kindness only in order to get sex. Using. Holding being the bread winner over their wife.
And you probably think that I'm going to blame those "bad" men. Right?
Wrong.
I have come to realize in my time of thinking and praying that men ARE behaving badly for far too long. But, at least in my case, I have to take responsibility for allowing it. For not standing against evil. Even in my own home. For not confronting and speaking truth....and then DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Somehow, I bought some false story that God wants me to support my man no matter what. That I should submit to whatever he says or I'm in the wrong. That I should make it work. PERIOD. No getting out. That mindset. That worldly/christian view...it harmed me. A lot.
God didn't say those things. HE HATES DIVORCE. Can't tell you how much I've heard that. Especially now that I have a divorce under my belt. But God doesn't hate the paper. God hates the divorcing of ourselves from one another. He desires relationship. He longs for marriages to be an exemplar to the world of His relationship to people. He doesn't desire false living. Nor pretending. He doesn't desire for people to live together with hate in their hearts but not "divorced". They ARE divorced when they live that way. Hear me clearly.....if calling a man in a fool in my heart is like committing murder....if attitude is THAT important....then we as the church have really messed up.
It's not about keeping people together on paper. It's not about making sure they make it 60 or 70 years. It is about real, true relationship. It is about backing up people...read women....when they say that something is really wrong....and giving them recourse so that perhaps they can actually make things turn around. Because frankly, saying the words, "just make it work," doesn't help a whole lot. Men get lazy about caring. Loving. They have that verse...that submit verse. They can throw it out. Guilt her. I have to say it....I RARELY hear anyone tell a man that he should be loving his wife as Christ loves the church. I see more people put the responsibility of a successful marriage on a woman and leave the men to do as they choose.
The problem is...it's not good for the men either. They are losing their way. They are falling prisoner to selfishness and pride. They are failing to love their families. And they fall further and further into the pit as women are prohibited by some ideal that they have to stay and allow it.
I think that saying the "D" word...divorce...should be less of a crime. It should be openly discussed that there are some things that are not ok. And that filing paperwork isn't the thing that is the worst thing that ever happens. The worst thing is the complete breaking of trust, of pride overcoming love, of every little thing that tears away at relationship. The crime is not the paperwork. The death comes first. Then the paperwork. Before death, there are lots of things that can be done. Lots of treatments. But it feels like nobody really cares until the paperwork.
Yes, men are behaving badly. But I think that a lot of it has to do with women being too beaten down and not standing up and saying, "no". I find that I knew what was wrong. I tried to say what was wrong. I got mad. I got hurt. I kept being more beaten down. But instead of that...I should have claimed my rights, my responsibilities and my power as a daughter of the King. I should have stood up and said you will not destroy this family. I should have told everyone. I should have....
but I felt I couldn't.
I felt limited.
I felt alone.
I felt......
but my feelings are not truth.
And I take responsibility. He was a jerk. Really. It was bad. But instead of a slow, painful death, I should have pushed him. We may have parted sooner. We may never have parted. But I wouldn't have lost hope. And he would have had less time to become a complacent, taker who functioned meanly.
i must own it. my part of it. it's mine to give to god. who loves me. even now.
blessings.
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