Pain

I've learned a lot about physical pain in the last many years of my life. Mostly, I've learned that it can be relentless.  My body does better now.  I am better.  But the pain does not go away.  I've sometimes wondered if it ever shows.  Wondered if getting used to it was a bad idea.  But, I don't think so.  I am glad to not be on drugs.  Glad not to be missing out on life.  And, generally, I have become a master at managing it.  However, this last week or so has nearly kicked my butt.  I need to get back on to taking all of my nutritional stuff AND eating well AND exercising.  I need it.  It helps.  It also helps with this belly fat that just makes me less comfortable.
I find myself deep breathing again.  Haven't done that so much in the past year.  Mostly, I do better at taking care of me in the first place.  I guess I've kind of fallen down on the job.  I've been too busy.  Too much chaos.  Not enough still and quiet.  That is coming.  I have planned it in.  I need to remember it.  Take the time in my mornings.  I have gotten so intent on getting work done before I go to work and coming home and doing work.  Last night, just before dark, I was out getting rid of some weeds that have been bothering me.  And work isn't bad.  It's just that I had been going since six am.  I need to build chill time into each day.  And a vacation every year at least.  It's what I need.  Right now, I'm working for my beach time.  And I'm not whining about the work.  It's actually a good thing.  I just need to find balance.  Again.  New job.  New schedule with the kids home.  It will happen.  I am able.
The good news is that in this new stage of life, I am able to make changes and choices.  I am able to go to bed earlier.  Or take a nap.  Or buy what I need to be eating.  I am able to just feel lousy and not have to make it all better for my ex.  That was wearying.
My body hurts.  But my spirit is joyous.  Flying.  Exhilarated.  I am alive.  I am thankful.  Pain is just  a thing.The thorn in my side.  The splinter in my finger.  It's not going to steal the precious things.  Love.  Peace.  Joy.   Hope.  Gentleness  Patience.  I hold those closer than the pain.  And yet, embrace the pain as a reminder rather than a foe.  A reminder that life is short and should be lived fully.  Completely.  Might as well use up every little bit of it.  No good saving it for......death.  Kinda silly,
My attitude and choices will affect me more than what is hurting.  Guess that's why God said to focus on good, on excellent.  Guess that's why He showed me all of those people in the Bible with struggles and hurts.  To give me courage.  To make me fearless.  To let me see that a life is a gift and can change the world.  But only if the liver of the life doesn't give up.  Give in.  Give out.  Only if they give it back to God to make possible.  He makes my life work.  Even with pain.
I love my life.
blessings.

confidence

i sat at my temp job today and trained on four different items.  then you have to qualify to score them by testing.  frankly, i always find it nerve racking.  and, add to the mix that i haven't scored in a year...let alone led a table.  couldn't remember how to fill out my online time card.  or how to log in to the computer.  really. and yet.  i've changed.  i remember previous years.  i was nearly sick.  going out is hard for me.  getting out of my comfort zone.  it exhausts me.  and i have to really push myself to get out there and do it.  but as i sat in my place today, i realized that my confidence has grown in the last year.  there was less....panic feelings.  i realized the things that i didn't know or remember and i asked.  there will be more as we enter the new scoring time, but it will be ok....i stopped at one point today and remembered to trust my brain.  it works pretty well at the scoring "game".  if i just slow down and trust myself to remember and do it right.  as a matter of fact, the only thing that i missed today was an item that they had not trained us on.  one question out of forty.  not bad for being rusty.
and my confidence is growing in other areas too.  in being able to make a pretty yard.  i have spent years wanting it at this house.  and this year it is finally beginning.  one plot is coming into it's beauty.  and it makes me look around and see what else i can do.  where else i can beautify.
then there's my family.  confidence that i haven't ruined their lives.  that god is still at work pulling them to himself.  that i am not a lost cause as a mother.  though sometimes i still struggle.
i am confident that being fearless is possible.  that i am growing and learning and moving in the direction that i should be.
fearless.  moving.  confident.  because of faith.  hope.
it's a journey.
hard to undo those years of being beaten down.  but, looking back to a year ago, i can see that it IS  happening.  slowly.
i am thankful.
blessings.

a good life

i was just thinking how good my life is.  kids that are growing.  learning to love god.  without me controlling or interfering.  i know...unbelievable, right???  but it's true.  god has it!  i talk about who he is and what he has done.  i give him credit.  i don't make it about all of the stuff that religion makes it about.  it is about relationship.  him.  with each of them.  no middle man.  or middle mom.  i am growing.  learning.  too.  i love my crazy, sometimes lazy, funny, sad, wonderful kids.  immensely.  as they are.  where they are.
and i have others.  friends.  family.  people.  in relationship.
a good life.   a trulygood and happy life.  without having to pretend.
i'm pretty stoked.

attitude matters

today is an attitude matter.  i don't want to go work a temp job.  right now i just want to chill and have some fun.  i've worked me bum off for months.  but then there is this place in me that knows that i not only need to...but that it's good for me.  that having vacation money will be nice.  that it's a blessing.  but it's amazing how easy it is to cultivate an unthankful rather than thankful attitude.
yes, i would like to stay home for a few days.  but really, i am so blessed.  i had yesterday off.  i have the weekend off.  yes, i have work.  and work is a good thing.  next friday i'll get money in the bank.  and the next.  and the next.  that's awesomeness.  so, i'll quit whining and begin thanking.  begin remembering the good.
it's a choice.  i'm good at making the choice.  that's what made me able to stay in a bad marriage for so very long.  i choose to find good.
off to find it!
blessings.

rainy days

i love rainy days.  i find them...peaceful.  but i also like getting stuff done on rainy days.  it feels good.  i have laundry in.  have worked in my kitchen a bit.  german pancakes cooking.  my oh my, i'm hungry.  i like the feeling of being genuinely hungry and not eating for the hell of it or eating to fill the void.
i am done fussing over my ex.  i survived graduation.  i am a survivor.  no matter if anyone understands, even if i don't understand....getting away from him was imperative.  he was toxic to my soul.  to spiritual growth.  to love.  to kindness. to compassion.  he took all i had and used it but didn't appreciate it or revel in it.  i am learning the difference.  i am choosing more wisely who to be close to.  and who to let close to me.  i am more open and silly with people....even at work.  yet.....there is a cautious aspect too.  i don't want pretend. i don't want to be used anymore.  i just want to be friendly.  kind.  genuine.  but if someone can't just take that, then i don't want to stick around and keep trying to do better.  to be more.  to be....whatever it is that they think i should do or be in order to be right to be friends with them.
i'm just me.  reflective.  introspective.  silly  courageous.  scared spitless.  adventurous.  calm.  quiet.  rambunctious.  i am a whole stew of opposites.  me.  full of wonder and surprises.  easily amused.  or amazed.  easily pleased.  quick to choose laughter.  a heart that breaks easily.  much more easily than people see.
it's a rainy day.  but the sun has peeked through.  i have cleaned some.  cooked some.  thought some.  played some.  i like to putter around doing what strikes my fancy.

a day off

tomorrow i begin my temp job.  yesterday i ended my full time teaching job for the summer break.  but today.  glorious today.  full of hours to do as i choose...and as i need.  i am blessed beyond words to have the gift of time.  the gift of love and friends and kids.   i am going to treasure this day.  hold it in my heart.  until i get to have a break.
i am full of heart.  of thankfulness.  for rain.  for painting.  for washing machines.  yes, washing machines.  i am so glad that i don't have to beat my clothes on a stone in a river.  i am thankful for the opportunity to find purpose in this day.
life is such a treasure...but sometimes it seems hidden by the constant demands.  i am learning to get to a place of appreciating life itself.  the moments. not allowing it to disappear under my to do list.
breath.  so thankful to breathe.
i hope that your day finds you thankful.  and if it hasn't yet, cultivate one or two...you'll be surprised at how they grow when nurtured.
blessings.

money

in my marriage money was an issue.  a big issue.  always.  no matter how frugal i would be.  nor how spendy.  it just didn't matter.  i was always "in trouble".  the world was always coming to an end.  buying presents was practically taboo.  he caused guilt.  to all.  he was stingy.  he was without a giving heart unless it made him look good.  he just didn't give.  not from his heart.  not to me.
but, this weekend i heard that he gave one of our sons $500 towards buying a car.  and then he gave another $500 to the graduating son that doesn't speak with him.  the son is going to cash the check.  going to invest it.  but it is odd.
my son feels...bought.  but hey, it's a gift. ;)
i feel like he's showing off.
life can be a little confusing.

party

today was the graduation party for my third son.  i have had two other graduation parties.  and they were considered a success by the number of people and the food etc.  But they almost killed me.  My ex.  My in laws.  It was always the most grueling form of stress.  horrid, actually.  i did it for my kids.  and i just thought that's how it was.  just thought that's how it felt.  that the sacrifice was feeling totally devastated.  and then.....i had this party.  and i am totally exhausted.  worked really hard.  but...somehow...it was just such a good and nice day.  people were nice.  nobody yelled at me or wasn't speaking to me because i wasn't doing it right.  my mother in law made the other two nearly impossible.  the belittling.  the meanness.  i was so used to it in many ways.  though i still dreaded it.  and to think that my ex did nothing about it.......how sad is that?
i was so proud of my son.  how grown up he looks.  he was such a nice host.  and a good sport in the dunk tank.
it was an amazingly long day.  following an amazingly busy and long week.  but i am content.  people came.  my son was relieved.  some people didn't come...noticably....but, hey, that's just how things are.  oh well.  hopefully my son didn't notice.
a satisfying day.  not the best party ever given.  but nice. i am not exactly a chatter.  that part is killer.  i prefer to lead people to each other and let them chat.  that works for me.  most of the time they don't even notice.
today worked somehow....in  a deeply satisfying way.  thank you, god.
blessings

A good friend

a good friend shows up when you need her.  gives you a hug when you are down.  a good friend helps you think when you are too tired to do anything more.  a good friend helps you hold life together.  a good friend might load your dishwasher.  or sweep your floor.  sometimes, they are even known to fold your laundry.  or make you a meal.  a good friend calls now and again to check on you.  and sounds pleased when you call them.  takes you out to lunch on your birthday.  has coffee with you on a cold morning.  a good friend is a lovely gift.
but then, there's a great friend.  a heart friend.  a friend that goes beyond.  they listen when your words don't sound pretty and still hear the good in you.  when you are tired, they remind you to take care of you.  a great friend doesn't need a reason to call...or stop by....or have coffee...or share some time.  it's just the norm.  a great friend helps pick up the pieces, bury the bodies, build the bridges...or burn them, as need be.  they don't always agree, but they always show up.  a great friend gets tired of you and yet knows that they don't ever want to be without you.  they hold on when apart.  they don't make you do all of the work.  a great friend knows your heart words.  not just your mouth words.  and they treasure them.  and keep them safe.  a great friend does that little thing that was on your mind that you haven't even told anyone.  and it's all so effortless.......
a great friend.  there aren't bunches for each person.  but i sure hope that people have at least one.  because it's a friend that meets you in the most real place.  isn't scared away by your crazy.  as a matter of fact, they see right through it...into the real you.  where it blocks the view for most, for a great friend, it's a magnifying glass of who you really are and what is really wrong.  sometimes, a great friend knows long before you do what is hurting you.
i am blessed.  truly blessed.  and i know it.  too bad i don't have awards to give out.
blessings.

Morning

morning came.  i opened my eyes.  a day.  like any other.  and then the creeping remembering comes over me like the sun stealing over the beach grass....today is special.  today, my son graduates.  today, the son that i have struggled with and for is GRADUATING.  he made it.  he is not magna nor summa cum laude.  he is not valedictorian.  he won't be addressing the crowd.  he got no prestigious awards.  he won't be attending harvard.  he shan't be trekking off to europe for school either.  he isn't getting married.  he hasn't started his own business in high school that he sold for a million dollars.  he isn't a track, wrestling, football, dance, baseball, or basketball star.  he sports no academic letter.  and yet, my heart absolutely swells in pride and joy and excitement for him.  the one that i worried about sticking it out.....even sticking around in his life...the one that seemed near giving up...is GRADUATING.  and....going to college.  and has friends.  and smiles.  and is having a party.  and has a voice.  the one that shrinks back often in the midst of the thought of crowds is pleased with himself.  and i.  his mother.  his mom.  his mama.  his sometimes nemesis and sometimes hero is absolutely pleased.  with him.  with who he is.  with how he is.  with who he is becoming.  with how he thinks.  with the fact that he does think.  proud.  amazed.  and.  thankful to god.  for interpreting my tears into words.  for reading the mri of my heart and seeing the need for Him to carry my son.  for doing the miraculous.  for being a father to my child.  even when the child doesn't really give Him the attention He deserves.  He has been more than faithful.  He has been kind.
and He sent this morning light.  to awaken me slowly to this remembering.  to allow me to revel quietly in this worship.  to remember once again that in the midst of all of the drama.  in the middle of all of the questions.  He is all of the answers.  and He loves.  fully.  without reserve.  and He will care for my children.  will care for me.  and in Him there is no drama.  only life.  and peace.  and hope.  and joy.  in Him there is living.  abundantly.
and on this day, in my very soul.  that place where there are no words.  even for me.  i long for my child to know how God has done this thing for him.  because He loves him without reserve.  but all i can do is show my child with my paltry love. a little sample.  a taste.  an appetizer of what is to come.  for His Father will be enough.  always.  forever.  and will never be disappointed in him.
morning came.  again.  and just that fact, without all of the other is reason to glory.  but with all of the other, it's reason for dancing, shouting, singing, frolicking.
blessings.

thankful and blessed

last day of school with the kids today.  wow.  i LOVE my job.  glad for a rest, but still...ever so thankful.  i have been blessed.  abundantly.  deeply.  heart needs.
learning about who i am.  who i am not.  learning about how i feel.  what hurts.  what feels good.  i was numb for so long.  shut down.
today i went shopping for clothes for this big weekend.  and what was really cool is that i thought that i wanted to go and then a friend said , "hey, you need to go get an outfit for graduation."  i was not invisible.  my needs were acknowledged.  and...she went with me.  made sure i didn't get anything unattractive.  it was a pleasant evening.  a gift.
and i am ok about the weekend.  at peace.  it will be however it is.  i can't second guess nor plan exactly what will happen.  i can only know that no matter what comes, i won't be alone.  not abandoned.  god will provide people and help.  it will be ok.  even if it's hard.
bring it on!  my kid is graduating.  so proud of him.
today someone at work that goes to my church was talking about how blatantly my son gave me credit and none to his dad when he spoke in church.  you know, that moment made me smile.  not because of what he didn't do.  but because he and i have worked through a bunch of stuff this last year.  we didn't sweep it away.  we didn't pretend.  and things got better.  so, though it's too bad he doesn't have that with his dad, i still reveled in the moment that he spoke about me.
big weeks ahead.  gonna work hard.  then gonna play hard.  then gonna rest for a few weeks until school comes again.  i am so blessed.
grace to you.

Full

I am full of thankfulness.  Of joy.  I see good.  When I look in my garden, I see beauty.  When I look at my patio, I see comfort.  When I look in my home....well, I see people.  But some people don't see what I see.  They see weeds.  They see the crookedness of the stones.  They see the messy floor or the unfolded laundry.  And I struggle.  NOT with how I feel.  Not with what I believe.  But with the many years that have worn me down and caused me to feel like perfection is the goal.
I've decided that I want a goal of grace.  Not perfection.  I want to live and be comfortable not worry about what people are thinking every two minutes.  I want to love and give and receive from people who really like me for who I am.
Really.  Without having to make allowances for me.
Because that's how I am with people that I love.  I want to be spectacular in their eyes.  Not perfect.  But worth it.  I really don't want people in my life who have to try to accept me or love me.  I just want it to be something they can't imagine not doing.  I want to be someone that matters.  Not because my garden is right...but because they can appreciate and see the beauty that I see.  Even if it's not how they would do it.
I'm on this topic because the big party is almost here and I am having to "settle" on some things not being done.  Period.  And that needs to be more than ok.
I am full of seeing good.  I only freak out when I try to look at things like I know some do.  "Oh, that is crooked, that is messy, that is frayed, that is...." and that is when I panic a little bit.  But that's not who I am.  I am full of hope.  Of seeing good.  Of thinking good things.  And for that, I am happy.  It makes for a beautiful and amazing life.
But....I hope they aren't offended.  Maybe they'll just notice the food?  Hope it's good. ;)
blessings.

calm in the midst

life has been like those storms ripping through the central u.s.  chaos.  constant motion.  constant Emotion.  and yet, i am blessed with places of pure calm.  of peace.  i can enter those places and sit with those people who cause my heart rate to return to normal.  who hear me...even when i say nothing important.  who let me sit.  just sit.  who let me be close.  who comfort with words sometimes...but just mostly by presence.  who make life ok by just seeing the truth of the matter.
i am totally blessed.  every day.  even in this moment...it stills my soul.
good night.

Negative

I don't enjoy negative.  I like hope.  I like positive.  I like encouragement.  I like seeing good.  Pleasant.
But I have been struggling.  I am a drain to those around me.  I don't like it.  Not one bit. I'm just....working through.  Trying to figure it all out.  Trying to still grow.  Still learn.
I'm trying.  Praying.  Hoping.  But way too often, the yucky seeps through.  I gripe and complain to those close to me.  I don't like it.  Nope.  Not at all.
It's not who I want to become.
But...I AM angry about things that he has done.  Things that he is doing.  He is hurtful.  He has harmed our children. And yet, I am wounded because onlookers look at me as the bad guy.  Because I divorced him.  Ha.  I did do that.  And I am thankful that I finally parted.  But do you know that every time I have tried for any kind of boundaries he has dishonored it? No?  Neither do they.  Those ones who are tsk tsking about me are unaware of so much.
And my son wounded me.  Because he uses.  Because he put me front and center for what's wrong in his life.
But, with my friends and those who care....who are real...who love me...I want to get on with being who I want to be.
I don't want the jackass disease to consume me.  Yet, I do have to get it out.  The truth.  The reality.  Not what others want to believe.
You know, I guess it will all just have to be balance.  I have to talk the hard stuff out sometimes.  But I need to censor more than I have been.  Things have been a little consuming lately.
I am positive.  I am kind.  I am loving.  And sometimes I'm a huge pain in the ass.  Just what it is.
blessings.\

Stirring Things Up

Stirring things up can be really good.  Or REALLY bad.  It can make room for new ideas or plans.  Or, it can pit people against one another.
Tonight was one of those bad kinds of stirring up.  Sometimes, I regret the fact that I have disappointed so many people.  That I have allowed myself to breathe.  That I jumped from the sinking ship and survived.  Survivor's guilt.  I've got it.  Not always.
But my eldest went after tender spots with his little brothers tonight.  With my graduating senior. The elder one asked the graduate if he had invited his dad.  He said no.  He made a deal.  I intervened. This was after he had already asked whether anyone from dad's side of the family was coming from out of state...when he already knew the answer.  Then, later on, in another room, he again was talking about his dad and how he was going to come to the party and he knows because he was planning a bday bbq for him and he couldn't make it on the day of the grad party.  I don't even know how he knows when the party is!  But somehow, my eldest seems less trustworthy.  Something about the drugs...or lack of drugs.
But he kept stirring.
When I hushed him the second time, he "went out to catch some air," and I followed a few minutes later.  I followed the smell of cigarettes.  Found him hunkered over by a fence.  I was firm about him not pushing his two brothers apart by using stuff with their dad.  I told him that all of them would work it out in time.  Not in his time...but their time.  He guilted me.  Mightily.  Couched in caring, but still, simple guilt.  That he has to explain to my grandson why grandma and grandpa aren't together anymore.  That he moved here to emulate our lives.  That at church nobody cares about him and only ask him about how his parents are doing.  That he wants to be a part and be informed.  That....it just went on and on.  I told him that it was my responsibility.  That I understood that it was difficult.  That I am sorry that it is difficult.  I told him that he needs to stay out of the stuff with his brothers and dad and deal with his stuff with him.  He said he feels like he has to censor what he says to his dad or to me.  I told him to simply not tell me about his dad.  Not to be in the middle and not to try to be my confidant.  I feel sad because I know that he knows what was wrong.  He just can't get over that it affects HIM.
And that's why I sometimes wish I was still miserably married.  I hate that my surviving means that others have to suffer for a time.
He really hurt me.
And then I was gushing words out to someone AGAIN...and realized how self centered I have been.  It has just been really overwhelming recently with this whole drama.  I am so sick of drama.  Graduation should not be drama.  I'd rather just have the ex at the party and be done with it.  And I wish that people would just leave me alone about it.  I don't have any desire to explain or rationalize or soothe their concerns.  I have concerns of my own.  And for most of them, it's none of their damn business.  Life goes on.  And I have disappointed.  I am aware.  More than aware.  And sorry.  More sorry than they can know.  I tried for so long SO that nobody else would have to hurt.  But....I couldn't.
Just talked to my son AGAIN.  Told him it was ok with me if his dad comes.  He said, "I don't want him to come, I have seen him in six months and then he's going to come and pretend to be all buddy buddy?"  There you have it.  Now he is on to looking at grandpa's old coins and enjoying life.  He was hurt by all of the stuff at Christmas.  The healing meter was reset at that point.  We might have made it by graduation if his dad had made the effort then.
But...my son has asked me NOT to be involved in it.  He certainly doesn't want one of his brothers doing it. So....time.  Waiting.  Being patient.  Knowing that we can't fix things, but we can only pray and wait and know that good things happen over time.  I fully believe that all of my kids will find their real relationship with their dad.  And that one day it will be a little less awkward.  Maybe.
I had a rough night.  My head is pounding.  I feel sad.  And hurt.  But, strangely, also resolved.  Nobody gets to choose for me but me.  Hopefully based on what God has for me.  But either way, I still get to choose...it's my life.
That means nobody to blame.  The buck stops here.  I take responsibility for the things I have done and the choices I have made.
I divorced my husband.  I'm happy about it.  Not happy that that is how things turned out, but happy that there was a way in order to survive.  Because surviving is good.
I used to wish more that it could have been different.  Now...not as much.  I'm just so completely relieved.
Guess I'd better get all of that work done that I let slide while all of this family drama was going down.
blessings.

Survive

What's important to me?  I keep asking that question.  People being comfortable matters to me.  A lot.  Laughing.  Relaxing.  Having fun.  Seeing my kid smile...all the way up to his eyes.  I don't really care if my house is a show place.  I don't really care if everyone loves my menu.  I don't even care if the party is the talk of all.  I just care that each individual that comes feels welcome. At home.  Cared about.  That the food is satisfying.  Maybe fun.  I care that people are able to relax.  And laugh.  And find a place to be comfortable. I care.  A lot.
And for years I couldn't rest and let people enjoy.  I had to push.  But, when I wouldn't, when I would stick to how I wanted it to be....I was ridiculed.  By his mom.  By his family.  By him.  And it hurt.  Because I care about people.
What's important?  That is what I need to focus upon.
blessings.

Twinkle Lights and Peace

Ok, I know I'm weird, but getting the twinkle lights working and the job actually finished, helped me.  I can breathe again.  AND I got the deep fryer.  And the sauces.  I got party favors.  And plates.  My son was thrilled about the deep fryer.  ;)  That was probably what eased my stress the most.  To know....all is well.  Rest.  Breathe.  Remember what is important.  Teach it to my kids.  Good food.  Decent home.  Being hospitable to those who come.  Period.  It's not about impressing.  But, it's easy to buy into it.  Instead, it's all about my kid.  Totally.  His day.  I will get done.  With all of the school work.  With all of the home work.  And then I will rest for a day.  Then get on to summer and the stuff coming with that.
Twinkle lights.  A fryer.  Peace.  Of heart and soul.  A restfulness.  Seeing my kids happy.  Made it all ok again.
Yeah, it's true that I wished my kid had stayed home and helped me.  And yet....it's all ok as it is.  Little at a time.
I have done a lot.  Though it is hard to do while everyone is still pulling apart as I try to do it.  Oh well.  They gotta live.  Wish the van was gone and my son's non working car.  Again...oh well.
I am really ok with what is.
I am content.  I like my life.
blessings.

meltdown

don't know what it is.  i think a lot of it is the drama that i have nobody to talk to about.  but i lost it in the car and bawled.  so much to do and nobody gets that it takes more than a day.  and i don't have it in me to ask or navigate or try to make it how everyone else is doing it.  my daughter worked for someone today.  got forty bucks.  and taken out for food.  and had a wonderful bfast made for her.
pretty much feeling lame at the moment.  but i will get up in a few moments and do it again.  i don't need to compete.  i just need to make this a place that is comfortable and welcoming.  it's not about being martha stewart.  yet, everytime i talk to people, i feel so....incompetent.
i want my son to have fun at his party.  i want the kitchen and bathroom to be clean.  clean.  like...sanitary....not just picked up.  i did it a few weeks ago for my daughter.  and it's gross again.  and having a kid do it means it is picked up but not clean.  i just need to keep getting things done.
i'm feeling stressed because i have to work all week.  senior night is friday night.  bright and early saturday, it's off to the school for a breakfast and then graduation.  i thought that i would do more today and i did not.  now i need to get on it.  post haste.
so instead of sitting here writing and holding back the tears....i'll just work.  much better idea.
blessings.

Pull it Together

I am having a hard time this afternoon.  Well, I was.  I am pulling it together.  I am working towards just knowing that I can do what needs to be done.  Or, at least, what needs to be done.  I can't do it all.  But I can do some.  I can do what will be enough.
But, sometimes I really miss having family.  I realized today that I was being selfish.  That there are a lot of others in my group of friends having graduation parties and that I should not "hog" help. Then, for a little while, I wanted to have a pity party and think, "yeah, but they have two to accomplish it."  I got over that attitude in short order!! I don't want to be two.  Not with him. So, I am one.  Just one.  And I will do one thing at a time.  Just one.  Then another.  But things keep popping into my mind that I need to do.....it's ok.  Breathe.  It's a party.  It's a celebration.  I'm not going to be a bitch to my kids and I'm not going to be needy.  I'm just going to do it.  And be happy.  And at peace.  I choose this.  Though my heart aches.  I choose it to be my reality.  Peace.  Joy.  Hope.  Love.
And I choose to hold myself to a standard of grace.....not perfection.
blessings.

Emotions

I have had lots of emotions going round and round.  Nobody to talk to.  Well, lots of people to talk to, but not about this stuff.  If you have a spouse, people often assume you talk to them...it's considered ok.  But if you are single, you have to keep things to yourself even moreso.
I don't have the place to just share those things that are confidences and share the burden.  But, I never really did.  It's very difficult to deal with sometimes.  But, overall it's not a burden.
This last week was strange and interesting.  In good way.  In painful ways.
I heard of someone who quit drugs.  Quit his job.  Found out he's going to be a daddy.  And had a job interview.  All in one week.  Wow.  I was amazed.  I am amazed.  Talk about quite a week.  Wow.  I know that the stress must be huge.  And the excitement.
I heard of someone who got an unexpected job.  Someone else who is going to go work on and Indian Reservation and is quitting her job.
I chatted with someone who thought that some difficult news was going to prove to be the demise of a business.  And another who, upon receiving the same news, felt like it was an opportunity to show good.
I have worked hard.  Managed to keep up...mostly.  I have slowly chipped away at what I need to do for graduation.
My son finished his last class.  My other son went back to work for the summer.  My other son :) is moving to a new apartment in one month...and hoping to have a new job.  My baby son is still reveling in his month of his mom not making him do things so that he can show how mature he is on his own...not so much, yet at least.
My daughter is off on a girl's sleepover to rally around a lifelong friend who was unexpectedly dumped by a guy she has dated for three years.
I am getting ready to get a haircut.  After a bath.  Because me?  I've already been out in the garden this morning.  It was lovely.  I would have stayed.  But, my salon demands a little more than mud crusted in appearance.
Off I go to the day.  I hope that your crazy, amazing, interesting, troubling things....find a way to settle into the peacefulness of your heart.
blessings.

For Such a Time as This

I am in a new time.  Sometimes it's so comfortable that I forget what a change it is.  It is a blessed time.  A holy time.  A set apart time.  This is a time where God has shown me that He will always remain.  That He is indeed faithful.  That He totally provides.  Everything.
I have been divorced.
And that is where I am.
But that is not what I am.
I am not a divorced woman.
Nor a divorced teacher.
Nor a divorced mother.
Nor a divorced anything.
I am a woman.
A teacher.
A mother.
A lover of beauty.
Not a divorced lover of beauty.
A friend.
A seeker.
It would be like putting black in front of a word.
Or any sin.
A drunk mother.
A promiscuous mother.
It would be like putting the word lesser.
A lesser mother.
A lesser teacher.
A lesser christian.
It might sound harsh, but divorced doesn't belong there as an adjective....descriptor,,,,if every other aspect of my life
It doesn't.
I am His.  For such a time as this.  And He doesn't count those other things against me.  He holds me.  Anyway?  Better than that.  Passionately.  Without reserve.  The One who created me.  He is beyond any image I can have for Him.  Greater.  More.  Fabulously, miraculously more.
And He is with me where I am.  How I am.
He has made me who I am.  And is continuing that work. For such a time as this.   To be a voice.
You are not defined by what you have done.  By your failures.  Your weaknesses.  Rather, in those weaknesses and failures, He can make Himself known without you...or me...being in the way.
I am a woman.  Beloved.  Receiver of all things good.  Provided for.
For such a time as this, He has comforted me that I may comfort others.
blessings.

The Good with the Bad

I had a really nice day.  A great Mother's Day.  Yet, there was this cloud with my eldest.  He was on his first day of stopping smoking pot...again.  And he was in a foul mood.  And he was needy.  And he had bad news.  And he hates his job.  And he wanted to be the center.  And....it was draining. He has a disease called

Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome

and it is going to kill him if he doesn't stop smoking pot.  He has too little body fat to absorb the cannabis.  It attacks the liver and other organs.  He is sick all of the time.  He is drinking now instead.

The drama.  It's hard on me.  I know that it's hard on him and yet, this is all his choice.  He has chosen to continually go back.  He has chosen not to get help.  He chooses.  And then wants attention for the consequences.  I'd rather give him attention for other reasons.  He has many reasons to give him attention, but trying to isolate me on Mother's Day...well, it didn't feel right.   It kind of shut me down.   That, and I am getting a cold or something.  We were here a few months ago.  I told him he had to get help.  He made up reasons why he didn't and why it wouldn't work.

Now his family has to suffer his withdrawal.  Again.

And he doesn't want to stop.  Even if it kills him.

The self centeredness of it all is appalling to me.  

Weary.  of.  being put.  in awkward positions.

And he kicked the kids out of the kitchen so that he could have it to himself.  Then complained when they weren't doing the parts he wasn't doing.  It was stressful like when my ex was around.  Trying to keep him happy.  

He's also sleep deprived because of his job.  

He needs help.  But I'm not it.  He needs a sponsor.  Not a mommy.  

Ok, there's my barfing out the bad part of the day.

The rest was splendiforous.

My graduating senior gave me a shout out during senior recognition at church.  And he managed not to say anything bad about his dad.  All in all, I'm pretty happy.

My daughter posted how I make her laugh that I'm her bestest bestest friend.  

The kids took great photos together.  Really funny.  The boys held signs that read "don't mess with her!" and my daughter sat in a chair looking like a princess.  Pretty awesome.

We went to a friend's house.  My bestie.  And between the two of us, all of our kids but one were there.  Pretty amazing since there are nine.  

I am blessed.  Abundantly.  

And about the other....I have to figure out boundaries that won't hurt his feelings too much.  Somehow.  

blessings.

Mom's Day

Here it is.  The wee hours of Mother's Day.  I don't dread holidays like I did before.  Being single has taken the edge off.  But, Mother's Day always tugs at my heart.....I can say that not having a mother in the forties is perhaps more difficult than younger.  So many things that it would have been nice to share.  Nice for her to get to know.  These kids floor me.  It would have been nice for them to have her around to enjoy them and they her.  Bet she wouldn't have not come to my son's graduation because he's being a pain...because SHE was a pain! Funny.
Mom,
There's so much that I wish we could have shared.  So much that I wish we were still sharing.  I miss you so often and when it's not consciously missing you, there is yet a hole.  However, there have been people provided by God to walk with me.  To share their love and help.  I am appreciative of that.  Nonetheless, I miss you.  And sometimes, in that time between sleeping and waking, it's like we're talking.  Like you've come to meet with me.  I know it's only memories and hopes...but in that moment, it's all of the real that I have and I struggle to hang onto it as I come fully awake.
You were a woman worth knowing.  I have never been as posh as you were.  Nor the graceful beauty.  Where you seemed to move efffortlessly, I am awkward.  You were outgoing...a cheerleader...me, that sounds horrible!  But those who have known both of us, say that I stand like you, flip magazines like you, hold myself like you, fight back like you.  I almost forgot who I was, mom.  Maybe it was in one of those early mornings that you reminded me to keep fighting.
I haven't given up.  I have come back.  I am learning ot be fearless...you were fearless.  I forgot how for awhile.  But, not forever.
I really wish that you could meet my daughter.  And her best friend.  They are such amazing young ladies.  I wish that you could know my best friend.  Because that's another gift that you gave to me without directly teaching it.  I remember your friends.  Your girl friends.  You laughed and cried and enjoyed life with them.  That impacted me.
You were divorced.  And going to get remarried.  I can't picture the remarried part.  But, I stayed in the bad for much longer.  You were one brave woman.  I wonder how many people shunned you?  Didn't understand.  Told you that you should be more forgiving.  But you chose your path and walked it.  You changed lives as you did.
Yes, still and forever, I miss having a mama.  I miss belonging to someone.  And without grandma around, having to be the matriarch, well, I didn't feel quite ready for that.  So, instead, I'm just trying to be me.  And love my kids much.  And trust me, they have gone through some pretty crazy times.  Yet, they are so easy to love.  So dear to my soul.
I love you, mom.  I appreciate the little things that you left as my legacy.  And, thanks for giving my daughter such great skin color and brown eyes.  She's a beauty.  And when I look at your pcitures, I see her.
Love,
Grace.

I Got It

I'm over my pity party.  Mostly.  Just a few mini ones along the way.  Poor me, no mom to help me.  No mom for mother's day.  Poor me, work full time and have to do this other stuff and try to do it all and make it look easy.  Poor me.  I just have such a hard life.
Snort.  Ha.
I have a FABULOUS life.  I have people who love me.  I have a house that keeps me warm.  I have a bed to sleep on.  Food to eat.  A job that I love going to.  I have a neater house than a hoarder. :)  See, there's always a positive.  AND, if I am unhappy with how things are then I need to change something.  I think that next year I will hire someone a couple of times a month to clean my house.  The floors.  The bathrooms.  The drawers.  You know, the things  that get left.  I think that would help me a lot.  And...I got a raise.  I could use that.
Instead of bitching in my soul about what is wrong, I am choosing to celebrate and look for good.
My life is full.  I am happily divorced.  Very happily.
I don't have a ton of people in my life.  Many have shunned.  Oh well.  I'm quite happy.
I have enough.  Enough love.  Enough faith.  Enough joy.  Enough.  Whatever I need, God provides.  Today, He provided me hope.  Courage to stand up to the overwhelming fear.
Most of this fear is based on the upcoming party.  I know it.  I am not a socialite.  Sooo....I'll have to put on my extrovert suit and do my best.  I will be SO worn out, but I can do it.  I did it for years.
blessings.

Moments

There are moments where life feels hard.  Like there's so much to do and so very little time and really, beyond that, trouble with energy and strength.  It troubles me some.  Yet, I am making a choice.  Consciously.  To worry less.  To let go.  To start where I am and do the one little thing that helps.  Whether it's with people or cleaning or grading or...whatever.  I have had to teach myself to begin.  To try.  To not be depressed.
Getting there.  Today it means that I started in the hallway.  Check.  Now entry way.  If I get off of here...it'll just be awhile.  I can do it.  But, I almost cried.  Stressed.  And then I remembered.  I am fearless.  I don't owe perfection nor belittling myself for falling so far behind.  I am a lousy housekeeper.  Oh well.  I'm really good at some other things.
I have trouble being motivated on my own.  In believing that I can do it.  But...I can.  Really.  One little space at a time.
Now...back to it.
blessings.

free at last free at last

free at last free that last i thank god almighty that i'm free at last.  yes i do.  deeply.  from the heart.  the ex hasn't written about canceling the discover that we have in name together.  i could do it.  he'd be stuck.  i don't like to be that way.  seems petty.  and yet....how rude that he left me on it.
but i am free.  to not be his.  to breathe.  free.  to sleep in safety.  free.  to love freely.  giving.
i believe i should toast to that!
blessings.

Decree

My divorce paperwork arrived in the mail today.  Yep it did. I am positively giddy.  Maybe it would make others cringe to hear.  It's just time.
And I am happy.
And breathing.
Yes, breathing.
ahhhh

I Will Survive. Love the song.

I Will Survive.  Yes.  I will.  Made it through tonight.  Ex was not there.  Rest of teachers were.  He didn't know my son was going.  Score.
Made it through the awkward visiting.  Three and a half hours.  Home now.
Breathe.  Keep going.  Enjoy the journey.  Savor the time.  My boy's time home will go too fast.  Be present.  Don't tune out.
I MADE IT!!!
CELEBRATE!!!
blessings.

Discover

Discover.  The card.  My ex has not opened a new account.  I am still listed on his.  Though I have no card. AND this means that I am still obligated to repay it should he not.  Even if he dies.  Yes.  Really.  Why oh why did he not hear what the judge said?  Why oh why does he make everything so stinking hard?  Why oh WHY does he never ever ever stop and see how others feel?  I don't know.  I have never understood.  I certainly won't be able to figure it out now.  But I do know that it's true.
He's not too nice.  He is fake.
And I have to go to a banquet that he'll be at tonight.  For graduating seniors.  At our church.  In the youth group.  Where he teaches.  And I wonder if he'll be there.  And I suddenly had the horrifying thought that he might try to sit by us.  AAAAaaaaahhhhh.  Need wine.  Really.  A nice huge glass before I go.  But I won't.  I don't have any.  A tranquilizer could be nice too.  But I don't have those either.
So.  I just face it.  One foot in front of the other.  One breath at a time.  Hope we don't make a scene.  My son would be mortified.  Totally.
Maybe a good cry would do it, but there's not time.
Being a mama is a blessing.  Huge.  Wonderful.  But in this time with my son, it is PAINFUL.  He doesn't want to be with his dad.  I respect that.  And I hope and pray it changes.  In his time.  As he heals.  But until then.....I've got to figure out how to breathe and get through all of this month.  Somehow.  I know.  I will be carried.
blessings.

lists

clear the porch.  paint the table.  paint the floor.  paint the cabinets.  cut the chicken.  bread the chicken.  fry the chicken.  buy the sauces.  cut the fruit.  clean up the dog poop. pull the grass out of the garden.  clean the floors.  clean the counters.  clean the drawers. clean the house in general. move the furniture.  buy the table cloths.  get the fondue pots.  get lots of chocolate.  order the cake...i did that. ;)  set up the yard.  put up the awning.  put up the volleyball.  get the soda on ice in the baby pool...which i need to buy.  get the boy his dress clothes...did that today...return the shirt that's too tight...do that tuesday....he looks good in dress clothes.  really good.  go to countless nights out.  try to make small talk.  vulnerable.  tired.
finish ILP's for school.  finish grading.  post grades.  clean classroom.  go to meetings.  move stuff into my classroom.  finish projects.  two more field trips.  finish reading redwall to them.
cook.  clean.  keep up.  make coffee.  go grocery shopping.  run errands.
too much stuff.  too much.  mostly just because of the ex.  painful.  mostly because people don't get it.  i don't know what to talk about.  i hate crowds anyway.  not like...the airport...but rather, the mingle kind of party.  totally out of my comfort zone.
haircut.  nails.  something good to wear for graduation.
pray.  read.  reconnect.  have faith.  choose.  breathe.  love.  enjoy.  be at peace. practice acts of kindness.  smile more.  god has gone nowhere.  he knows me.  sees me.  will provide for me.  even in all of this cray cray.  i am carried.  i am filled.  he is enough. for me.  each day.  more than enough.
have to breathe.  remember to breathe.  back to holding my breath.  not good.  not the life god has planned for me.
i made it to a party today.  i can do this.  not on my own strength.  not alone.  but that's the hard part.  i am alone.  i am not one of those people who can call mom or aunt or sister or grandma or whatever.....i just have to do it.  period.  and enjoy when people have time or choose to help...but know that nobody owes it.
one thing at a time.
and remembering to rest and sleep.
blessings.

They Don't Get It

I was just sitting here thinking how people don't get it. They don't get why I was married and things seemed normal for all of those years and now I tremble to be in the same room.  They don't get why I won't do the same things.  Hang in the same places.  They don't get it because they don't know how done I was.  How at the end of it, I had been completely drained.  Completely unable to give him even another moment of my life.  So many think that it must all be some misunderstanding.  He leads them to believe something that isn't true.  It's some of the good friends from the past that I'm not sure what to do with.  They seem to have the idea that they can influence me.  Remind me who I should be.  How I should be.
But I can't. Not anymore.  Not going back.  Going forward.  Learning to own my own stuff but tired of trying to not speak of his.
He's not a very nice person.  But he acts good.
sigh.  

fearless one...fearless wonder

i went to my grandson's fifth birthday party.  only for a little while.  my ex had signed up to go on facebook when it was first posted.  today, i had all of the teens with me.  we went shopping for the boy. he was so much fun to shop for.  and i said that i'd go for awhile and then have to go run errands.  which i did.  but, i knew i couldn't stay that long.  small house.  small yard.  minimal amount of adults.  a little awkward.  but i went.  got there early.  ex got there late.  we crossed by about 20 minutes.  then i exited politely while people weren't around.  my son got my grandson and they came out and said goodbye.  i went shopping for my graduates dress clothes.  came home.  made cobbler.
i am pretty worn.  this is going to be a tough month.  tomorrow night is the senior banquet at the church.  my ex is involved with the youth group.  mercy.
but i am fearless.  i don't have to back off when i'm afraid....i can move forward.  and when i want to move away and avoid, that's not being a coward, that's being smart enough to know what i need to thrive.
stilllll.....
it's gonna be stinkin' hard.  he pretends all is well.  like we are married.  maybe separated.  certainly not divorced.  makes it super awkward.
but...what does it matter?  what others think really doesn't effect me or my life except in my emotions.  what god says i am is who i really am.
blessings.

breathe. in. out. in. out.

theme of my life.  at least where the ex is concerned.  i don't know why it's so very hard today.  but it is hard today.  it is what it is.  simply put.  it's hard.  it's icky.  but it is.  and reality is better than fantasy.  but i think that perhaps the grief involves anger with him today.  that i have a sense of the injustice that i lived with.  and am having a hard time with the fact that it is perpetuated by the current charade of his.
i read what john piper says about women and ministry.  i listened to his podcast.  he says that women know a lot, have a lot to share and that men can learn from women if they listen but that women should never be in a position to teach or instruct a man.  that women can instruct women.  and children.  if the bible says women can't lead then isn't it strange that they are allowed to lead the young?  shouldn't men do that too?  seems convenient.  and...his words...made me feel again as a failure.  fail.  to submit.  to follow.  to stay.  to do what he wanted. john piper says that men should love well.  that women should follow.  that women are beautiful and have their place.
now, i never have viewed myself as a feminist.  i stayed home with my kids.  i think that genders each have their own strengths as a general rule.  and yet....i am an equalist.  i believe that jesus made us all equal.  that he SAID it.  that he lived it.
but, my heart is heavy.
my church sent people to a conference at this man's church.  his viewpoint makes me uneasy.  it is everything that held me captive those twenty years.  because men are not called to be the men that women can follow....it's a sad thing.  it would be nice if it were true.
he used an analogy.  a woman cannot be the drill sergeant in the army, telling men what to do directly.  but, it's ok if she is the city planner and designs the streets that the men will drive on and follow.
breathe.
i did fail.  i know that.
but i don't agree with the idea that it's because i didn't submit enough.  it was because i submitted too much to viewpoints and an ideology that was harmful to me.
just sad today.

Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive with Lyrics (on screen)

hahahaha.  chorus was on my mind today.

three weeks from today

in three weeks and six hours, it will be graduation party day.  i have to be ready.  and yet...i am frozen.  it's all of the emotional stuff.  and all of the stuff i have to be doing for work as well.  stuck.  having trouble getting motivated and getting to it.  everyone else has so much stuff too.  not sure i'll really have much assistance.  my son that usually cooks is sleep deprived already. and...frankly....might feel awkward that his dad isn't coming.
tomorrow night is senior banquet at church.  sigh.  glad he chose to go.  and...not glad.  i am pretty overwhelmed emotionally these days.  this next month seems like way too much.  WAY too much.
and most people don't get it.
oh well.  glad i finally get it.
now, out of the funk and out of the bunk.  into the tub and onto the day.
i have a life to live joyfully and peacefully and i need to stand against this crap.
blessings.

church day

kids are home with me.  i feed them.  take care of them.  keep their schedules.  i make sure they have soap and toothpaste.  telephone.  wireless internet.  i take them to coffee.  or ice cream.  i buy the clothes they need.  i do all of these different things. i am here to love them every day.  and i love them no matter how they behave or what they choose. yet.  still.  at church.  their dad thinks he has equal or more rights.  he thinks that he should be the one to sit with them.  he makes it hard.  really hard.
because i won't make them choose.  never.  not fair.  not good.  not kind.  i won't do it.  never ever.  period.
but today?  today i feel sad for me.  today i am grieving for me.  today i feel like the unfairness is just so....unfair.  he has never gotten to know.  never stopped and cared.  never went out of his way to be sure that they have what they need.  he worked.  made money.  we were fed.  but it was always held over us all.  and now?  now, i am not sure that it will ever be fair.  that i will ever get the time with the kids freely on sundays.  freely.  without him over my shoulder.
and today i am sad about that.

Just When I Think

Just when I think that I can quit thinking "jackass" in my head....just when I nearly think, it's not that bad....just when....he shows bad behavior.  Again.
I flew my son home from college last night.  We got back home late.  Today is our first day as a family.  Hanging out.  Being together.  And...I hear from my youngest son that my ex is planning dinner for them all.  Mmmmm.  Scuse me?  Really?  Puts me on the spot by having my son ask if we "have any plans?"  Well...we aren't going out anywhere, but we were being here.  Sigh.  But he also puts me in a bad spot.  Not to be able to say to my son what is wrong with the scenario.  Not really able to say no.
Jackass.

email

he wrote.  he says he hasn't heard from any of his family that they will be coming to the graduation.  he is sorry.  he says.  how much can he give me for the graduation party.  um.  nothing?  you're not invited.  i didn't say that.  just said thanks for letting me know.  good news is that if the family isn't coming then my son doesn't have to invite his dad.  crazy times.
i'm tired but still awake.  tomorrow is friday. i shouldn't have read his email.  not tonight.  it was upsetting.  he's so fake.  he doesn't know that i know that.  still trying to "win" me back....key word is win.
too much.  too sad.
but, at least he won't be at the party.

Rough Days

Well, yesterday I heard from a second hand source that my ex's extended family will not be coming into town for y son's graduation because my son was " a pain in the ass" at Christmas time.  And, frankly, he was.  But it wasn't all his fault.  He was not treated well.  Not even kindly. And, really?  What teen isn't a pain in the ass to some degree? It just kind of goes with the definition of teen.
But, I was angry at this news.
Then there was more news to go as a side dish.  My ex is refusing to acknowledge the divorce.  Won't tell people.  He is not giving up hope.  Maybe I should rent a billboard?  Really?
So, I found myself horribly angry.  Indignant.  Injured.  Hurt.  Sad.  Emotional.  Used.  Disbelieving.  Grieving.
With all of my kids around.
So, I "ran an errand" to Hobby Lobby.  I cussed the entire way there and screamed in frustration several times.  When I got there, I was thinking a bad word over and over and over and over.....then realized that I was actually saying it aloud.  At Hobby Lobby. Yes, while the christian music played.  I managed to rein it into my brain, get what I needed and get checked out.  Then, I resumed my private rant in my car all the way to a friend's house.  Then I spent some time sitting in the car with her listening to me whine.
Then, I went home and downed a single serving bottle of wine...really....downed it.  Covered up in a blankie, turned on a show and went to sleep.
Woke up in the morning and emailed my ex that I was wondering who was coming to the graduation.  Also told him about my vacation plans.  I haven't heard from him.
I'm still irritated. Still feeling that his behavior is unjust. I am stunned that even now, he won't honor my own choice, my own decision, my own boundary.  I am done.  Done.  Finished.  I can't be bullied back into marriage with him.....and his behavior towards our son just reminds me of how self centered he is.
When confronted with how he didn't defend our son at Christmas with the family.  When reminded of his failure...he can't remember.  Crazy.  Makes ME crazy.
But those these are rough days, I am still carried.  Still loved.  Still certain of what I want and don't want.  And if I use the f word now and then...or constantly for a couple of hours...that will pass.  And I have to remind myself that he behaves like a jackass simply because I'm a pretty easy going person and I forgive and move on.  With him, that's dangerous to me emotionally.  I must forgive.  And hold a boundary.  Doing both is hard.
Yes, it's rough.  But I don't live there anymore.  I get to choose different things for my days.  I get to move on.  He's a jackass.  Oh well.  He gets to choose how to behave too.
His choice.  He gets to choose for him.  But not for me.  And I get to choose how I act.  I choose nice.  But not naive.  Not a victim.  I choose wise.  I choose kind.
Rough days.  They pass.
blessings.