confidence

i sat at my temp job today and trained on four different items.  then you have to qualify to score them by testing.  frankly, i always find it nerve racking.  and, add to the mix that i haven't scored in a year...let alone led a table.  couldn't remember how to fill out my online time card.  or how to log in to the computer.  really. and yet.  i've changed.  i remember previous years.  i was nearly sick.  going out is hard for me.  getting out of my comfort zone.  it exhausts me.  and i have to really push myself to get out there and do it.  but as i sat in my place today, i realized that my confidence has grown in the last year.  there was less....panic feelings.  i realized the things that i didn't know or remember and i asked.  there will be more as we enter the new scoring time, but it will be ok....i stopped at one point today and remembered to trust my brain.  it works pretty well at the scoring "game".  if i just slow down and trust myself to remember and do it right.  as a matter of fact, the only thing that i missed today was an item that they had not trained us on.  one question out of forty.  not bad for being rusty.
and my confidence is growing in other areas too.  in being able to make a pretty yard.  i have spent years wanting it at this house.  and this year it is finally beginning.  one plot is coming into it's beauty.  and it makes me look around and see what else i can do.  where else i can beautify.
then there's my family.  confidence that i haven't ruined their lives.  that god is still at work pulling them to himself.  that i am not a lost cause as a mother.  though sometimes i still struggle.
i am confident that being fearless is possible.  that i am growing and learning and moving in the direction that i should be.
fearless.  moving.  confident.  because of faith.  hope.
it's a journey.
hard to undo those years of being beaten down.  but, looking back to a year ago, i can see that it IS  happening.  slowly.
i am thankful.
blessings.