a word

i've been working on my word of the year.
fearless
fit so well last year.
a true godsend.
and now...
attitude?as in a good attitude.  positive.  choosing well.  thinking well. doing good.
dream?see the possibilities.  think on them.
risk?go for it.  make the move.  act.  do. even when it seems.....like a risk.
dare?as in doing what is right, kind, unusual, different.....even if it's all alone.
grow?go further, try more, challenge.
grit?hang on.  pursue.  move.
gumption?get up and go.  good attitude.
revel?stop and enjoy what is.  be present.
journey?move on.  enjoy the road. don't get stuck
explore?enjoy new things.  look into possibilities.  be aware. be open.
thrive?quit surviving and start thriving.  wholehearted.  full hearted.  heartily.  with gumption.
pluck?gumption with a dash of attitude.
persevere?this seems a little too much like surviving.  did a lot of that.  time to....fllllyyyy!!!
heartily?all out.  no half measures.  go for broke.  as unto the lord.
speak?time to use my words.  words are tres important to me.
shine?i've been blending in for a long time.  i like it.  but perhaps it's time to be visible.
soar?quit bumping along and take off.  spread my wings.  quit being scared of falling to the ground.

so many very good words in this world.  many more..this is my pared down list. :)  i'm narrowing it.  shall reveal it soon.  what about you?  who do you want to be this year?  just one word.  one challenge.  one reminder.
blessings.

uncertain

i come to a new place in life.  a place where i choose to like me.  to give myself the grace that i give to others.  and yet, i get flustered as i find that i am rebuffed or chastised or misunderstood.  it's difficult for me.  i am awkward.  especially in this time.
i reach out.  i try to use my words.  but i find that i lay my heart out and hear nothing in return...and in that silence, i shudder.  oops.  awkward.  different.  and i struggle to keep from criticizing myself.  slowly, i am doing it.  though it hurts and feels sad and somewhat hurtful, i refuse to hurt myself more.
and when i reach out in affection and find that i have been stupid, socially awkward...i shrink into myself.  tonight, i found myself with tears.  for something silly.
because i deeply need to reach out.  but my awkward attempts are ill received and i find that it's just too much to keep on working on it.
my very personality...the depth of who i am...takes time to warm up.  to relax.  to feel comfortable again.  and these days, i just feel like i have lost everyone who might even have had an interest.  i have not one who considers me that soul mate.  that person that is the best friend.  the close one that you really need to have around.  not to do things, but because you can't imagine life without them.  and at this point, tears running down my cheeks, i feel the desperate longing to be wanted.  for me.  just like i am.  i like so many people.  and i have given a lot to reach out.....but i know that i connect from my side but they don't have that same emotion.  don't get me wrong...i have people that are nice to me.  i have people that care.  it's just....i'm not "that" person, "that" friend, "that" family member to anyone.
today i had a lot on my mind.  not good at blurting it out.  and when it does finally come, it's silly sounding.  because so many things get held in.  i can't tell my kids everything.  it isn't appropriate at work to share all, either.
but.  i don't know.  just but.  i ache.  i sit here tonight knowing that i have nowhere to reach out.  last night i texted something stupid.  tonight i did something stupid.  and i'm just tired of feeling stupid.  i refuse to change who i am by being fake.  i will change to be kinder.  i will change to be gentler.  i will change to be wiser.  but i won't just change to win others over.  i spent a lifetime of that.  it stinks.  i'd rather be alone.
i am uncertain.  where do just odd people fit into the world?  and why do i have to be so odd?  i feel...normal....for me, how i am, who i am...is normal.  how others are feels bizarre.  i am a person who longs for compassion.  who sees needs.  who sees skills and talents and values encouraging.  i am not a hard hearted b*****.  Not usually.  i have faith.  at my very core.  i have hope.  i give hope.  i reach out to people even when they have nothing to offer me in return.  nothing.  i strive to give them encouragement to hold onto until they can function again.
uncertain.
i like who i am.  i desire to be more.  wise.  kind.  gentle. peaceful.  more of a warrior.  more.  good.  patient.  but i have decided that i won't desire to be different.  that i won't wish to be like others.  though...at my soul, sometimes i long for it.  i have determined to embrace me.  who i really am.  how i was really made.
but when i feel so vulnerable, i don't know what to do.  because how can i be better or more if there is nobody who cares?  and i feel uncertain because it makes me think that perhaps i just don't see how bad i am.  my ex obviously didn't think much of me.  if others don't, then maybe i'm just too weird to be any good to anyone.
tonight is so very hard.
but of this, i am certain.  god is at work.  god is good.  god has a plan that i do not need to approve nor even understand.  god is here...even in my tears.  and he will stay.  and though nobody may see my good intentions.  and though i seem to get on their nerves.  and though i am about as awkward as they come......he won't quit loving me.
and even now.  even with the tears streaming.  the lump in my throat making it hard to breathe.  the salt stinging my cheeks and entering my mouth as i struggle to take a breath.  my eyes blinking so that i can see to write the words....even in this mess that is me....he is present.  and he loves me.  and it is enough.  and my weeping is ok.  and my being hurt is not the end of the world.  and my being uncertain doesn't change the things that are certain.
i am blessed.  i have grown.  i cannot change how things are.  i cannot change how people respond to me.  i cannot change the fact that i can't dive into a revealing of deep things...of intimate things...without warming up time.  i can't.  it would be fake.  but i can choose to love this woman i am.  to glory in the unique and weird and eccentric things in her.....as i do when i see such attributes in others.  because i like the unusual.  i marvel at the beauty of someone being dissimilar.  
guess that's why i can find a bestie but can't seem to be a bestie.  such are the difficulties of life.  of relationship.
so here i sit.  writing.  finding my solace in this place.  again.  finding that i ran away rather than say that i was hurt.  finding that i couldn't bear it to feel invisible again.  and it's better to be alone than invisible.
tears and more tears.  it has been a very good year for tears.  and to think that i was so numb for so long that i couldn't even really cry.  guess i'm making up for it now.
i like me.  even if i'm the only one.  because i know the real me.  and she is pretty spectacular.  though....not easy to find in these tremulous times.  like a shaking, trembling chihuahua....running at the slightest chance of being rejected.  because i just can't deal with much more of that right now.  it has been a very hard year.  so much harder than anyone seems to realize.
and i am moving beyond whining.  so....most will probably never know.  nor hear.  nor be aware.  but to any that should ever come along and put their ear close and hear my heart.....maybe....perhaps...someday....i'll be seen again.
blessings.

words

i'm also learning to use my words.  to say the truth.  to reach out for what i need.  though....sometimes, people just think i'm weird.  i'm such an introvert that people get the idea that i am a loner.  but really..i need people to be there.  i just don't require a lot of interaction.  but, sometimes i just have to know that someone is there.  that they hear me.  that...i'm not all alone.  that i am seen. heard.  understood.  mostly when people have that need, they make up some reason to reach out.  a purpose to call or stop by.  i'm trying to learn to reach out because i need to.  and to say that.  but. well.  let's just say that i think that people probably just think it's strange. oh well.  i can live with that.

a glass of wine...or two

i have learned something about myself in the last couple of years. that's a good thing.  i've learned that i don't have to feel a certain way.  that i don't have to think a certain way.  i've learned that i don't have to rush myself.  i don't have to fake it.  i've learned that i don't have to make myself cook every meal or be emotionally available when i'm done....overwrought.  i can stop. i can wait.  i can cover up and tune out for awhile.  zone out to some shows.  i can even be a little bit self centered for awhile.  i can tell everyone to get some leftovers to eat.  or to go buy themselves a burger...they are young adults, not preschoolers.  and i can have a glass of wine...or even two...to relax a bit.  i can put on comfy clothes and eat chocolate...but, for me, i prefer warm comfort foods.  i can cat nap and wake up and rewind the movie.  and it's ok.  it's ok to be unavailable for the rest of the world for a bit.  to take care of me.  and i've learned about myself that i need that time.  i spent over twenty years being told that it was selfish.  being treated as if i had to be constantly on and taking care of everything.  everything always revolved around making sure everyone's needs were met except for mine.  i wasn't supposed to have any.  i have learned that i do have needs.  i have also learned that it's not sinful.  not even wrong.  it's just a fact.  i've learned that emotional upheaval makes me need quiet time to recharge....i can be with a close friend or i can be alone, but i can't be "needed".  i just have to tune out.  think.  relax.  and for me, relaxing is not an outgoing event with a crowd.
i had an interesting day with the inlaws.  i realized that all of their questions were about "is this new"? or about my son who doesn't live here and how he is going to be unemployed.  no i'm sorry.  no wishing that they had called my son that they ostracized.  no making amends.  that is too bad.  my nephew actually asked for a tour.  his dad followed.  it was weird.  they have been here before.  it was...nosy.  i guess that for them knowledge feels like power.  gives them something to talk about...something to pass on to the rest of the family.  but looking back, i realize that it was ever so shallow.  ever so lacking in care.  my son deserved better.  making things right matters.
so.  it wore me out.  in twenty minutes.  and i marvel....because i survived over twenty years!  i'm pretty amazing!  here i am.  healing.  growing.  learning. hoping. dreaming.  believing.  i'm not bitter.  i'm not depressed.  i am alive.  i am determined to be the woman that i choose and not a victim of circumstances.
but. sometimes.
sometimes circumstances happen.
and it's ok to take time out to work through them.
as a matter of fact.
it's healthy.
i think that being healthy is going to be a very good thing.  i'm just beginning to get the hang of it.  before i've always felt guilty.  not so much.  i just poured a second glass of wine.  i may or may not drink it.  but i can if i want to.  and i ate fried ham.  and dark chocolate.  and my kids are eating refrigerator biscuits....that they are baking themselves.  and i took a breath and decided that that is ok.
here's a toast to be mentally and emotionally healthy!
blessings.

surprises

today was a normal day.  another day of puttering.  took a long bath.  doing laundry.  doing room clean up.  watching audrey hepburn movies.  relaxing.  reflecting.  contemplating.  planning. dreaming.  researching.  coffee drinking.  chili making.
just out of the tub when the phone rang.  it was my nephew's phone number.  my ex's nephew.  mine too, but his brother's son.  except, it wasn't.  it was my sister in law.  they were going through town from a nearby mountain town and wanted to bring by some food that they couldn't take back home.  a ham and such.  so....we were going to see them.  i haven't seen them nor talked to them in a couple of years.  the messages from the kids aren't so great.  but, i said yes.  i walked out and invtied them in.  house in the post disarrary of christmas to some degree.  floor in family room is concrete...no carpet.  and no rug.  sigh.  but i invited them in.  and they went to every room.  sigh again.  and looked things over.  and commented on things.  and it was fine.  but i know that it'll be the conversation piece.  tears fill my eyes as i realize that again.  oh well.  my friends don't come to see my floor nor my boys' messy room.  very messy.  oh well.  again.
a little conversation.  then they had to go because their grandson and daughter in law were in the car not feeling well.  they were on their way out to eat.  they went.  we hugged and said goodbye.  it was fine.  weird.  hard.  but, i had already decided that it just had to not matter what they thought or what they pass along.  my sister in law likes to talk badly with my mother in law.  my daughter is hurt by their talk.  but, it is what it is.
not all surprises are happy.  but sometimes they bring good.  strength.  glorious strength.  and the opportunity to have the attitude that we choose...no matter circumstances.  today was difficult.
it wasn't in my plan.  it was shocking.  and yet....now it's over.  i did it.  i get to go on with my life.  and what is said or thought really doesn't matter at all.  what matters is that i live a kind life.  that i choose.  to show grace.  to be happy.  to play nice.  but to just be me.  not afraid to be me.  that was the hardest part.
i guess it was good because spring is coming and they may be coming for graduation?  not sure.  we'll see.
i did well.  i'm proud of me.

My home

My house.  That's all it used to be.  A house.  I just couldn't feel at home.  Constant struggle. Constant warfare.  And in this last couple of years, it has taken all that I have to push forward.  To clean out.  To clean up.  To move past.  Some people get to just move on.  Move out.  And that has it's own difficulties.  But, I've had to stay.  To work through it.
I've been in the same bedroom.  I have some of the same furniture.  I get mad when I think about the loveseat that I gave him that matches my sofa.  Aggravating.  Not life ending...just it makes it harder to set up the furniture in the family room.
And this is a big property.  A big house.  One floor...but a little over 3000 square feet.  Of course, it's harder to keep up with when my boys are home.  Constant barrage of dishes.  Of clothes.  Of trash.  Of stuff.  But...totally worth it. :)
And frankly, for the longest time, I just couldn't settle in.  I tried.  I forced myself to do the best I could.  But today, as I cleaned and put things around my room, I kind of had a sense of home.  Of belonging.  What a relief.  A gift.  Made me feel better.  Helped my heart.  I brought in pics of the family to my bedroom.  I go through stuff all of the time.  Too.  Much.  Stuff.  Cray how it piled up over the years.  Time for it to go.  At least some of it.  But with a lot of kids, it just keeps accumulating.
However, it feels different today.  Feels a bit like my home.  Not just my house.  Not just where I am for my kids.  Home.  Not completely.  But still....pretty wonderful feeling.  I stopped to enjoy it.  To revel in it.  I realize that feelings like that are fleeting in this healing stage in which I find myself.  Gotta enjoy them while they last. And remember them when it's hard....when the bad memories kick back in.  Life does change.  It does get better.  I do get to choose how I view this place.
Worked hard today.  Doesn't feel like I did that much.  Kind of all over the place.  That's ok.  It's improving bit by bit.
I think that I'll pray room by room again soon.  For peace.  For kindness to dwell here.  For hope.  For love.  For faith.  For goodness.  For purpose.  For serving.
My home.  Those words feel pretty good.

money

ok, i'm done living excessively.  i have done so since my ex has left.  i needed to say yes to me.  ot my kids.  say yes to getting to choose and for the answer to be able to be yes and not always no...or yes with guilt attached.  and i now will get to pay off those choices.  and yet...i don't regret them.  i needed that for a time.  and now i know what is important to me money wise.  i know what i like to do and what matters.  i know where i actually want to spend money and where i don't mind being more frugal.  those have been good lessons.  very good lessons.
information about myself is valued at this point since i lived so long in a reactionary state.  proactive only in predicting what he needed or wanted.  in what would keep the peace.  i struggled with that.  i did it.  i made that choice.  and now i need to learn to live proactively.  choosing for now.  choosing for the future.  choosing what is most important.  to give. to buy.  to provide.  i don't worry about the future.  god has that.  he will show me that as well.  but how to best live.  truly live.
money.  it's just paper and metal.  but it has a power to change people.  especially by their view of it.  so i want to be super wise.  i pray for guidance. and for grace...as i will blow it regularly.
and though god has grace..i tend to beat myself up.
my ex has cost me loads this year in counting on him to be on time with payments.  that's his little quirk...do exactly what he needs to do but not quite on time just as a little power play.  and i have to let go of that too.
i am happy.  so very happy.
all of the little things are slowly working themselves out.  i am dedicated to living.
blessings.

responsibility

taking responsibility.  i am learning to take responsibility.  oh, i wasn't irresponsible.  i feed my family.  i take care of things.  i drive mostly safely.  i do things that are responsible as a teacher.  as a mom.  as a friend.  as a fellow human being.  i like to recycle.  though, i'm far from obsessive.  i have done many things in my life to be responsible.  but, in the last two years, i have been learning how to take responsibility for how my life went wrong without taking responsibility for the things that my ex did.  he did...and does...many things that are hurtful and unkind.  but the reality is that i have to take responsibility for those attitudes that are mine alone.  for those things that i do have control over.  did have control over.  and that's what happened.  i got to a point where i felt powerless.  where i felt dominated.  and that's not ok.  i allowed that.  i am strong.  i was strong.  i fought for a time...but at some point, i shut down.  i was sick of fighting.  sick of having the same battles over and over again with no chance of being heard or valued.  i was sick of being hurt....used....taken forgranted.  and i shut down.  that's on me.  i didn't choose it consciously, but i did it.  i exited from being fully present.  i existed without being fully involved...in my own life...that's shameful.  i did say no.  i did say that things had to change.  i did verbalize those things.  but i didn't make sure that they happened.  well, i did when i had him leave.  when i walked into the courthouse and filed papers and walked into the sheriff's office and paid the money to have him served the papers.  hardest things i ever did.  because i hated hurting him.  because i lived afraid of how he would behave when i hurt him.  when i made him mad.  but there was a day that i did it anyway.
i took responsibility.
and i've been learning how to do so ever since.  unfortunately, i have also done a lot of whining.  it was part of my processing.  of my admitting how bad things were.  that's really hard for me.  i don't like that i get whiney.  i don't like that  he can still push my buttons.  but...it's just the truth.  i'm not all healed yet.  i have to balance being patient with me while holding myself to a standard that encourages growth.  i don't want to get stuck behaving like a victim.  i want to grow.  to flourish.  to fly.
and i am responsible for flying.
for praying.
for searching.
for learning.
for believing.
for saying things.  like....no.
i not only have to behave responsibly, but i have have to take responsibility for my own life.  my own happiness.  my own dreams and purposes.
i can't forever say that i am stunted because of how my ex wounded me.  i can't just shrivel up and give up because i feel like such a failure.  i must grow.  i must shoulder that which i choose.  and i must choose.  and know that choosing not to do or say something is also a choice.
god is changing me.  inside out.  i am thankful.  blessed.  with a long way to go.  learning to balance being kind to me with holding myself responsible.  it's ok.  god loves me.  he can handle the fact that i'm not perfect. not even close.
and that has been the catalyst to my journey.  knowing once again that he is always there.  even when i've failed at the biggest thing in my life.
two years.  wow.  it's like walking in water.  takes a lot of energy to go only a little ways. but hey,it builds muscle!
blessings.

a letter

a letter.

i just wanted to talk to you.  but i don't really have anything to say.  i wonder how your heart is.  i wonder at your reticence to reach out to me.  

i just wanted to talk to you.  well, maybe i didn't.  maybe i wanted to just be with you.  to sit with you.  to be known in the quiet.  to hear your words in the silence.  

but somehow, though i try so very hard, i'm just not able to say it.  i just can't seem to get out the words that i want to be wanted.  to be with you.  to be seen.  to be heard.  to hear.  to see.  to share some moments. 

i just wanted to tell you that you have made a difference in lives.  that seeing you fly and grow and achieve your dreams is beautiful.  

but even in this newness...in this awareness of my need to put voice to those things that matter....even here...i can't do it.  who i am is difficult.  lots to learn still.

and i'm sorry.  because i wish that i could just say, "i need to be with you today." but, i guess that the fear is still too great.  

and while you won't know.  at least i know that i'm on my way to learning to say the words.  

worlds collide

this world and my home world have always been so very separate.  this place has been my place to put out there every detail that i can't even bear to say aloud.  this place has been a place to reach out to others. to let them know that they are not alone.  this has been my place to be....laid bare.  at least, mostly.  though even here, sometimes, i can't say the deepest things.  the things that were the undoing of my soul.  yet, this place has been a solace to me.  a tranquil place to come.  a place to unload the chaff so that i can focus again.  it has worked well.
though i still sound like a mess.  though i am certainly not there yet.  though i still have a journey to continue.  i am so much better than a year ago.  i am well beyond where i was two years ago.  two years.  i've been writing in this safe place for two years.
and my worlds now collide somewhat.  i have put up a few photos.  i have allowed a few...a very select few...who actually know me, to have access to this page.  beyond those, every person that comes here is a god thing.  someone searching for something.  i know how that feels.  i desperately know how it feels to look for a place where you can be understood.  where you feel validated.  i know how rare it is to find a place that believes in god and still knows how it is to be at the end of giving to an empty or abusive or using or dysfunctional or sick relationship.  it's almost impossible.
the church doesn't address the issue except to say keep loving.
but what does love look like?
does love mean that the forgiveness has to look right to others?
because in the past, my world looked right.
but bitterness was building up.
i forgave, but i couldn't forget.  i couldn't get past each day being the same treatment all over again.  year after year.  and i blamed myself.  not him.  i couldn't get past the guilt and shame of being such a dismal failure.  of not meeting up to the standard of those that went to church with me.  that worshiped god with me.
and going to the christmas eve service was good for me.  because i stopped and realized.  i acknowledged.  i allowed this place to collide with that place.  in my heart.  this is the place that i was thinking of when i sat and heard how we make buffoons out of men.  when i heard how women are responsible.  when i heard the story of how messed up my children are going to be.  it was hard.  but this place finally collided with that place and reality washed into my heart there.
finally, instead of one or the other, i found that i can look and be compassionate to those that are espousing things out of ignorance.  they don't know.  they can't know.  they have never walked in my shoes.  they have never had my precise emotional makeup.  they have never felt exactly what i've experienced.  and i don't have to make them understand.  i don't have to convince them to excuse my behavior.  there needs no excusing.  god doesn't excuse it...he forgives it.  others don't need to excuse, they need to choose whether to be there or not.  i indeed am "just as i am without one plea".
and so the world begin to collide.
so that this safe place can become my real world.  i say that to mean that my real world should be and feel as safe to me as this place.  and it is in my attitude that i have to work it into being.  i have to truly be able to say what i need when i need to and when i can't, i need to let people have whatever feelings or reactions that they need to have without feeling as if i am the greatest disappointment ever.  and that is how i feel when i go to church.  it feels like people are doing me a favor to simply be nice to me.  and it shouldn't be that way.  the church should be the safest place in the world to be absolutely real.  because it is not, too many things are covered up as people try to perform and look like they perceive christians are supposed to be.  in reality.....christians are as diverse and amazingly unique as the rest of the world with one commonality...they have been redeemed.  paid for.
life gets a little messy.  ok, really, it gets a lot messy.  and that's ok.  that's truth.  bare boned truth.  no fluff.  and the fact that it's not what i wish nor what i understand is not absurd.  it's actually the norm for most people.  i don't want to be among the hiders anymore.  i want these worlds to collide.  i want to feel as courageous in person as i feel here.  i want to be transparent.  gonna take some more time.  but it's coming.
can't wait to see how it looks.
blessings.

The Best Gift

The phone rang.  Unexpected it was.  A call.  From someone else's mama.  But.  A call from a mama.  On Christmas.  Someone who called me.  That I didn't have to initiate contact.  It was the best gift I got.  The others were nice.  They were thoughtful.  But that one made me cry.  God knew.  It was good. It was beautiful.  And I got to tell her how much it meant.  I purposefully told her how much it meant.  I could have just taken it in stride. I could have acted like it was the norm.  But I want to learn to tell people those important things.  So I did.
I got the best gift. It cost nothing but a few minutes.  It filled my heart up.  

Christmas

This year was so different than last year.  Last year, I had to drive in the snow through Kansas to get a kid and bring him home from a family event with his dad.  This year, their relationship is not healed.  His dad has made no overtures at taking responsibility. But, my son smiles again.  And laughs.   And hugs.  And I decorated this year.  And didn't just "get through" the day...as I have done with so many days in the last years.  Finally, it was like I was allowed to be restful.  I was able to breathe.  And not only able, I allowed myself to relax.  No big plan.  No big hurry.  Didn't worry about the house.  Didn't fuss over stuff.  This year I finally felt alive again.  Ready.  To be present.  To be me.  Even when me is a mess.  I was not enough in my marriage.  I sat in a church service last night for Christmas Eve and heard of the evils that are haunting our nation because of them growing up without fathers in their homes.  But what of the children growing up with fathers that use them for their own gain?  Isn't that bad as well?  What about unhealthiness within supposedly "whole" families?  It was a hard service, but I was happy to be there with my five kids.  It was nice.  And I stood and talked a bit at the end.  And though it was hard, I kept remembering that I get to choose my attitude.  My choice.  My responsibility.
Today, I knew that it would be different.  Our first real Christmas without their dad at this house.  Last year was all messed up with them traveling out of state and all.  So, this was the first time that we have had Christmas since the divorce.  When my ex dropped them off last night, he lingered around a bit after they unpacked....in the driveway, mind you.  But, I could tell that he wanted attention.  I wished him a Merry Christmas from the porch.  He wanted me to walk down.  I couldn't do it.  Not anymore.  I spent too long meeting his needs and forgetting about my own.  I have to have boundaries for now.  It helps me heal for now.  Not forever.  Maybe.  I don't know, really.  But I am sure that I get to choose what I need.  And what I need is time.  How much? I really don't know.  Most of the time it feels like a lifetime won't be enough to get back to a sense of being ok.  And that's ok.  I'm allowed to take as much time as I need.  There's no rush.  It's not a race.  I am not obligated to buck up for him....or for anybody.  I don't have to put my needs, hurts, feelings, hopes, dreams, or life on hold in order to meet everyone else's needs.  That was what I realized in the night last night.  I KNEW it...but now, it sunk in.  I had my aha moment.  I needed that.
Today was full of laughter.  I took plenty of quick breaks alone to recharge.  That's how I am.  I've never been the hostess that people perceive me to be.  I am simply very good at getting people going on what they enjoy doing together.  I did participate.  I was fully present.  I enjoyed.  I reveled.  My boys got wood up by the house and kept the fire going all day long.  I got great gifts.   Thoughtful and kind gifts.  And I gave myself a gift.  After church last night, I was feeling like a failure.  Again.  Like I can never get past people looking at me the way that they do.  Like I've screwed up my kids in their eyes.  But, the change it that I gave myself the gift of forgiveness.  I forgive me.  For not being who he wished I was.  For not being able to hold it all together anymore.  I forgive myself for allowing so many things that were wrong and messed up without absolutely saying positively NO.  I had used words, but I got tired of fighting.  Got tired of not being heard.  Got tired of being the one holding things together.  Got tired of looking for every way under the sun to make someone understand or even hear me.  And I forgive myself for not being able to do that on my own.  I don't mean without God.  I mean without my spouse's help.  I did do my best.  I did pray and try to follow God's leading.  I did love.  That's the hardest thing.  It wasn't fake or false.  I loved.  And it hurt me deeply to find that though he said he loved....he didn't find me worth getting to know or understand.  It hurt me that he used me.  It hurt me that he abused my kindness towards him and manipulated every conversation to be about him.  He used tears.  Threats of impending doom.  Threats about what pleased God.  And though all of those things were true...I tried to let it be enough.  I prayed to be more.  To change.  To be acceptable.  And now...I choose to forgive myself for letting go.  For finally releasing my grasp.  I forgive myself for failing.  For letting so many people down.  A light came on at some point.  CPR is a temporary measure.  It doesn't work for the long term fix.  And, I was constantly doing CPR on our relationship.  I forgive myself for choosing to admit what was true.  The relationship wasn't breathing, wasn't alive, wasn't nourished.  And I forgive myself for not being willing to spend the next 40 years giving every breath, every ounce of strength, everything.....for something that wasn't alive and someone who wasn't willing to get up and care.  I forgive myself.  And it's freeing.  And it causes me to feel guilty.  Like I should be paying penance.  Forever.  Shamed.  Forever.  But I choose forgiveness.  For me.  For Jesus came to forgive.  To buy me back.  To redeem.  And I need to accept that.  Wholly.
Forgiving myself...at least at this step and for what I know currently....allows me to freely hear and interact and enjoy.
So, even now, at the end of this very blessed Christmas Day, I am in my room, snuggled up and cozy while listening to the laughter of my children and friends.  Movie watching still going on.  It's peaceful.  And good.  When I gave myself the gift of forgiveness, I received in return a deeper peace.  A calm.
It's pretty wonderful.
Life is so amazing.
I don't want to take a moment forgranted.
blessings.
and merry christmas.

an idea

as i was standing in the strong, blowing wind filling the car with gas, it occurred to me.  i could choose to stand tall.  to smile.  to have a good attitude.  a sweet, kind disposition.  i could choose my attitude.  and attitude goes with the other words that i've been thinking about.  a choice.  a chance to show some attitude, to have a positive attitude, to approach life from a standpoint of faith in my attitude, to look at my attitude towards others.
i'm not yet who i want to be.  and so i choose one word a year to help me on the journey.  i'm not good with resolutions.  the one word reallyhelps me though.  so, i will enjoy the search for the perfect word.
but this one seems like a good fit.  not whining.  i got told not to whine yesterday..and it reminded me to check my attitude frequently.
that was a good thing.  and then at the gas pump today it felt so right. such a good fit.
attitude.
gotta have a good one.
gotta show some.
gumption.
perseverance.
all in my attitude.
my attitude of faith.
of trust.
of kindness.
i have a long way to go.
but i have started.
so far...first choice.
blessings.

what word

kindness.  i want to be kind.  to others.  to myself.  to strangers.  to my body.  to my animals.  in attitude.  in heart.  truly kind.
speak.  i want to be able to speak what i need to say without simply writing it.  to tell forth good news.  to encourage.  to be genuine.  to give voice to words that uplift and are full of wisdom.  i long to speak from a heart that loves god and serves others.
silent.  and i want to be silent when i should.  i tend to fill the time with things that aren't as important when i have things that are important to be said.  i want to change that.  and i need silence.  it's how i reboot.  i don't find much of it in my life.
basically what i know my word will need to reflect is a return to a more normal and healthy self view.  i had to take this last year and focus on me.  i talked about me.  i thought about me.  and that was not bad or evil.  though, it was probably tiresome to others.  it was a necessary part of my journey.  i had to find that woman that is indeed the real me and acknowledge her.  i had to bring her back to life.  i had to allow her a voice.  i had to give her wings.  but now...it's time for her voice and wings and thoughts and encouragement to be more balanced.  it is time for her to look beyond herself...without forgetting herself.  it's time to find out how to live true to who she is supposed to be while not being self centered.
still don't know my word.  but i know the essence of my word is to keep what i have found and add to it an awareness and sensitivity to others.  both. not one or the other.
because to have healthy relationships it has to be about both.
i have begun.  at work it has been happening.  with my kids.  but it's tough.  i easily become others oriented.  easy to see their needs.  easy to want to help.  it has always been that way.  empathy.  and it's something that i want to have.  with boundaries.  that's a good word.  it's what i need.  to give.  but not without boundaries.  not without a thought of myself.
i want to be healthy.  i want to be giving.  to myself as well as others. i want to show my sensitivity to others.
this year, i have mostly felt like i've been a bit obnoxious.  a little bitchy.  i've cussed and said things that i normally wouldn't say.  i needed to.  i don't really know why.  i've just needed to.  take me or leave me.
a lot of people don't talk to my anyore.  if i reach out, they might respond.  if not, nothing is there.  and i've come a long way in that being ok.  though i have pain and though i have sadness, they no longer are so overwhelming.  they no longer are the most of what i experience.  i experience freedom.  i experience joy.  and in the midst of these, i acknowledge the pain and loss that i feel.
i sit here all alone this morning.  i remember that there will be no christmas calls for me.  and i don't run away from the feelings.  i guess that is what healing has looked like for me.  to be able to accept the things that are out of my power to change while busily choosing how i should be sculpted.  not alone.  with god guiding.  showing.  awakening.  waking me up.
awake.  another good word.
sculpted.
healthy.
so many good words.  but my last two have been perfect and i knew them when they came.  so i will wait.  i know what the word feels like.  i just need to find the one that encompasses that awareness.
blessings.
and happy christmas eve.  you are not alone.  i am here with you.

realizations

i was coming home tonight...after going out yet again to get something i had to have....boxes for clothes wrapping...when i realized that though my life is kind of screwed up, i am content.  though i have to have mini temper tantrums now and again over the fact that my ex likes to push my buttons, continues to disregard when his family is unkind to his kids, is inconsiderate about communicating a schedule and generally seems to like being passive aggressive.....though that's true enough, i am happy.  i have no mother nor father nor brother nor sister nor aunt nor uncle nor cousin that is going to send me a christmas present.  there's no special check or surprise or gift card or whatever.  not happening.  and i have loved getting ready for christmas.  it's hunky dory.  as a matter of fact, i usually don't remember that i'm kind of it and on my own that way....but somehow, as i was thinking about what i got kids, i realized that i do it all on my own. and it's ok.  it means that i don't get the great woot woot gift that my grandparents used to come through with.  since the divorce, i don't hear from my stepmom at all.  my dad is out of the picture...though i tried to call him at father's day.  god is a balm to my soul.  he is enough.  he is a treasure.  and he provides for my needs when i feel that sense of not having anyone.
i realized today that it's something i don't talk to about hardly anyone.  my kids don't realize yet.  they are too young.  my friends know...but probably don't sense how it is at this time of year.
i have grown.
now.  thinking of my word for next year.  i've used balance.  i've used fearless.  thinking and thinking.  a new year is coming!!  my final son is graduating in this new year.  my daughter and i will live on our own in this new year.  i have a lot to learn still.  a lot.
but i have learned a lot already too.
my realizations don't knock my down anymore.  that's progress.
it has been a great year of "fearless".
blessings

the knives that come

if you are an ex who decides to have dinner with the kids before christmas and exchange presents....then you get the right to give the good gift and make the other person not able to give it.  oh well.  back to thinking.....
but it was a quick jab when i saw the gift. one of my sons guessed.  i saw it in the glance he gave me.
my daughter probably too.
but life is what it is.
and he had them all open gifts from one another.
sigh.
but.  that's ok.
they have things they didn't take.
it's all good.
because though he works hard to make it hard.  to take what he can.
he can't take being with them.
being close.
enjoying.
knowing.
sharing.
he fakes.
that isn't satisfying.
it just looks good.
but it's empty.
so.
i'll
take
a
breath.
and go on.
who cares?
it doesn't really matter.
but sometimes i wonder how i married an asshole.

time to reflect

finally.  time.
quiet time.
peaceful time.
time.
not in a hurry to get something done.
not rushing to do more.
not competing or trying to do it better.
just being peaceful.
just
being.
my brain feels better.
my face muscles are relaxing.
still have grading.
loads.
but somehow.
i'm simply resting.

thinking.
reflecting.
choosing.
being thankful.
being real.
i've come so far in recovering.
my ex is so very fake.
i cuss more.
i think badly in my head less.
i can more easily say no.
so when i say yes it's so much more real.
i risk more.  say more.
i take the easy way out less...writing is my easy way.
coming to terms with exactly who i am.
and who i am not.
whether the people i love most like it.
or not.
and finding.
they do.

a lot.
more than i ever believed possible.

i am blessed.

beyond belief.

without having to earn it.

or behave for it. 

just....

because they love me.

crazy me.

weird me.

but me.

and i am finding that people don't always understand.  and that's ok.  as long as i learn to understand what happened.  as long as i understand what my part was.  as long as i get that the hurt was real and deep.  and as long as i give myself time to heal.  really heal.  even if others want or need me to hurry up.

i am loving sunrises.  and sunsets.  and moonrises.  and moonsets.

i love my colorado blue sky. and the slate gray clouds that bring the beautiful snow.

i love christmas lights.

i am so much better.

for real better.

stronger.

laughing.

genuinely.

dressing up.  being silly.

and i am giving myself permission to laugh or cry or be angry or be sad.....as needed.  i go through the gamut on any given day.

i have a hard job.  but it's satisfying.

i have had a hard life, but it can only define me in the way that i allow it to.

and i am remembering how to pray.

for real.

not as a habit.  but like breathing.

letting him sculpt me.

to be his workmanship.

his poem.

 yep.  sculpted.
and not afraid to do new things.  i am fearless.  i found how to be fearless this last year.

i am proud of me.  even if nobody else sees.  or knows how far i've come.  i am real.  i am ok.  i am getting ready to bloom.  and i wait in anticipation.

and i enjoy simple pleasure.  i'm learning to be ok with that.  it doesn't take a lot to make me happy or even exuberant.  i enjoy being easily pleased.

and in my fearlessness, i've learned to grow accustomed to the curves and tunnels.  learned to navigate with a sense of trust rather than anxiety.

for the waters nor the flames will consume me.  i have lived, and will live. through many painful times.  i am not alone.  i am not a failure.  

and i want to learn how to leap more.  to dance freely.  i want to let go and relax.  i'm not there yet.  but i'm taking baby steps to find my way.

and i look forward.  without fear.  or anger.  or hatred.  but with a healthy sense of reality.  and a buttload of experience.  not looking for anyone to fill me.  or fix things.  just working on going forward with kindness....to others, but without forgetting myself.

blessings.

this mama

this mama is fried.  worn out with work.  the kids are beyond done.  it's time to play.  i can't wait until friday.  really.  because on friday i get to play with them.  and be with them.  and open presents.  and just enjoy the fact that we have earned a break.  and honestly, the two weeks don't seem like enough.  i am that shaky.  that tired.  two weeks seems....fast.
i need some time perhaps.  to be loved on.  i need a hug.  i have been running on low.  giving an awful lot out these days.  need to revamp myself.  take some quiet time.  remember.
god sent me a message tonight.  the moon was up and bright.  shining right through a heart of clouds.  it was beautiful.  totally unusual.  i was touched.  he uses such little things to revitalize me.
i will make it.  i will recover.  i will even get it all done for school..eventually.  i know that.  but i don't function well this way.  i need times of calm.  times to be alone and get charged up.  or with those who are easy to be with.  but lately, i have been inundated.  pushed..  pulled.  running incessantly.  every night.  every day.
this mama.  she be tired.
but.
evenso.
she be happy.
very happy.
blessings.

Making a Life

I am making a life.  Following dreams.  Actually dreaming. Facing fears.  I lived for so long being afraid. Every single day.  It was like everything I wanted or hoped for was considered....wrong....bad.....evil. I was viewed by the one who was supposed to love me most as not enough.  As somehow warped.  Not quite as god.  And I bought into it.  And that's on me.  I mean, at first it was ok.  I was trying to be a good wife.  Trying to make a strong marriage.  Trying to do what wives should do.  I'd never been a wife before, I didn't know what the boundary should be.  After I'd been married for a week and he was upset that I asked if we were taking my car somewhere, I should have gotten a clue.  Nothing was supposed to be mine anymore.  Ours.  His.  Not mine.  I chafed.  Not because I can't share.  Not because I cared.  Because it wasn't fair.  And somewhere inside, something screamed, "No!".  But I silenced it.  I felt guilty.  He made me feel guilty about wanting time or stuff or feelings or goals....of my own.  Life had to revolve around his wants, needs, fears, and "niceness".  He was great at always appearing to be "nice". But..what's nice?  What is it when the people that live with you are miserable?  When they can't make you happy?  When you constantly feel superior? It is a show.  It keeps others off balance.  But it's not.....kind.  I always was kept down by his being popular and helpful to others.  Smiley.  But he was selfish in our relationship.
And now.  Now. I am making a real life.  I am learning to set boundaries.  Learning to say what I want.  What I don't want.  Learning.  Making a life.
And Christmas is coming.  And I'm making a life in my home.  Getting things organized.  Decorating.  It's...fun.  Pleasant.  It's joyful.  Peaceful.  I am so happy about it.  I'm not great at it.  My house is certainly not perfect.  But it's pretty.  And it's comfortable.  The lights.  And candles.  Lovely.  Calming.  And I only have to use the ornaments that I like.  The rest can stay in the box.  Somehow, "making" Christmas is helping me to put other things in order in my mind.  I like it.
Fun times ahead.
Though the ex is already making it difficult timewise.  Oh well.  I choose joy.  I choose Jesus.
blessings.

Still Struggle

I am going to my daughter's choir concert tonight.  I am nervous because my ex is going to be there as well and I have no buffer.  My son is going but is meeting up with his dad to go to a sport's pub to watch the game after the concert...so they will probably sit together.  And I am tired already.  Long day.  Long week.  Just tired.  Lots to do.  And I have to do this thing on my own.  And I already feel cold and uncomfortable.  I can barely tolerate the fake pictures he takes of him and our daughter.  And everyone thinks it's all ok.  Shudder.
Blech.
Being tired is hard.  Because it brings the emotions out.  Harder to be fearless.  Harder to just choose happy when I'm worn out.  When I spend every day mothering...parenting...and he shows up to grab the limelight.  To look the part.
While he does that, I'll be making sure our kids get where they need to, have what they need to, get fed, and even go to the store AGAIN because my daughter has something she needs for her class fiesta tomorrow.
I don't like thinking badly about him. It's a waste of energy.  But I'm worn out.  Hanging on just barely here at the week away from Christmas break time.  Still have shopping to do.  Still need to do a TON of grading and putting into the online gradebook.
I'll make it.  I think.  But I need a few minutes.....now that I've gotten the whining out, I'll take some quiet time and reboot.
blessings.

peace

i am peaceful.  things may or may not be how i wish.  or dream.  yet i am at peace.  i know that god is constantly working things out.  i can wait on him without fear.  he knows my hopes and dreams.  he knows my needs.  he knows how i feel.  he knows how much i can do.  he knows when i need rest.  he knows.  and he cares.
and so peace is mine.
and now...sleep.
for i am tired of going today.
time to recharge.
blessings.

i wish

i wish that i could teach with my friend.  i wish that i could teach kids on our own terms.  maybe...homeschool for others.  really spend the time.  teach.  not jump through hoops.  just teach.  really spend the time with the teaching and not the constant paperwork.  not the constant grading that is senseless.  real learning.  real teaching.
i wish.
because i value kids.  and i know how good it is to teach with someone else who just enjoys the teaching.  in seeing where it can take you.  in singing.  and playing music.  and dancing.  and doing art.  and doing projects.  and writing.  and reading aloud.  and cozying up with cocoa on cold days for reading times.  for taking nature hikes.  for having snowball fights.
i don't know what it is...a longing.  for it to be different.  to not be about stress.
just what is on my mind.
i wonder what god has in mind.
blessings.

skills

today i had a formal observation in my classroom.  it is a multi stepped process where i have to provide for my administrator exactly what i am doing, why, how it aligns to the standards, what i will do for those who don't get it, what i will do for those who go ahead and then i have to be observed accomplishing those listed goals for an hour.

it's grueling.  it's hard for me.  more than most of you can possibly imagine.  that introvert aspect kicks in.  i am great with my classes.  i love to teach.  but i am lousy at organizing my room.  i hate having people in the room that aren't helping but simply.....staring....and taking notes.....and talking to the kids about whether or not they know what the purpose is for what we are doing.  it's intimidating to me.  it is emotionally draining.  i feel adequate.  i feel like i have good skills, but in comparison to some of the master teachers, i feel lacking.  i'm a natural teacher.  gifted even.  but the data and meetings and jargon....well, i have very little interest.  i guess that i just don't see the point.  

now...LEARNING....i love learning.  i love teaching.  that's amazing.  fabulous.  inspiring.  i like it a lot.  it feeds my soul.  it's fun to connect with kids.  i am absolutely enthralled by the moment that they go "aha"...when they get it...when they dig until they find what they need to know.

i teach differently.  maybe because i despise meetings.  and boring sitting down times. i like to laugh.  to be surprised. to see videos.  to hear songs.  to do things.  i like to participate. if you ask me to sit for six hours and listen to someone drone on all day...i'd feel panic.  but that's what so many people expect of kids. 

i'm tired of hearing rigorous learning being related to being boring.  to being endless paperwork.  learning is being engaged.  being engaged means having something to look forward to...to look for...to discover....to think about.  being engaged is the only thing that keeps children digging after knowledge.  being engaged means being motivated.  pushed.  pulled. drawn. sucked in.  

i have to say that more than any observation that goes well, the moment that my kids say, "that is so cool!"...and it's history or science or grammar.....is a much bigger moment.  they are why i do my job.

BUT to keep my job, i have to do the other.  the observation.  the being put on display.

strangely though.....this time....i guess that i was extra nervous because i consciously decided to teach my way, in my manner and just see what my administrator actually thought.  most of the time, teachers have special lessons or activities that are their go to things for being observed.  this time i decided i wanted to know what she actually thought of the actual me.  

she said, "it was superb."  i don't have my post conference until next week...but that was her response at the end of class.  i was shocked.  she's tough.  always find things that we can do better....which i like.  but, she said superb.  and the coolest part?  it wasn't a show.  it was me.  teaching them.  as we do it.  in our class.  in our way.  

so.  that made it pretty awesome.

blessings.

starving

it is piossible to live in the midst of abundance and be starving.  i live in a country where most people have access to too much food.  the abundance.  opulence.  greatness.  choices.  availability.  food is everywhere.  it's on the street.  in the garbage.  in store windows.  you can drive through.  you can buy prepackaged everything.  explaining why....so many people are literally overweight and starving all at once.  i am having to remember that putting in calories is not what my body needs.  it needs nutrition.  and i can fill myself with loads of things and not be healthy.
just as in the world of relationships i can have many.  i can appear to be surrounded.  cared for.  i can look happy.  but if i don't put in the things that make healthy relationships, if i don't choose healthy people...then...i can starve relationally.  my needs go unmet.  i wither.  i saw it happen.
this year, i have done better relationally.  but...health wise...i've blundered.
i am getting back to it.
i made my smoothie today.
it's like my very cells have been craving the nutrients.
i fill myself with the easy.
with the tasty.
with the handy.
but when i fill myself with what is real.
and health full.
when i read and learn.
when i accept that health is a gift.
that food is a gift.
that god intended good to go in to make my body strong.
when i don't view it as a diet.
but as a pleasure.
a joy of being provided for.
whether it's what i put into my life in food.
or in relationships.
i need to be sure that it's helping.
making stronger.
making healthier.
i get to choose.
that means that i am responsible.
i don't care about weight.
but i care about health.
about well being.
i need to do better.
for me.
for those i love.
because if i don't feed my cells,
the rest of me falls apart.
gets sicker.
weaker.
and i've been weak.
tired.
worn.
i need to do better.
in with nutrition.
because it shows that i care about myself.
and i shouldn't starve myself of what i really need
while filling myself with things that cause me to crave more
because they don't satisfy.
i want to have that which satisfies.
i want to be healthy.
physically.
relationally.
both.
not one or the other.
blessings.