uncertain

i come to a new place in life.  a place where i choose to like me.  to give myself the grace that i give to others.  and yet, i get flustered as i find that i am rebuffed or chastised or misunderstood.  it's difficult for me.  i am awkward.  especially in this time.
i reach out.  i try to use my words.  but i find that i lay my heart out and hear nothing in return...and in that silence, i shudder.  oops.  awkward.  different.  and i struggle to keep from criticizing myself.  slowly, i am doing it.  though it hurts and feels sad and somewhat hurtful, i refuse to hurt myself more.
and when i reach out in affection and find that i have been stupid, socially awkward...i shrink into myself.  tonight, i found myself with tears.  for something silly.
because i deeply need to reach out.  but my awkward attempts are ill received and i find that it's just too much to keep on working on it.
my very personality...the depth of who i am...takes time to warm up.  to relax.  to feel comfortable again.  and these days, i just feel like i have lost everyone who might even have had an interest.  i have not one who considers me that soul mate.  that person that is the best friend.  the close one that you really need to have around.  not to do things, but because you can't imagine life without them.  and at this point, tears running down my cheeks, i feel the desperate longing to be wanted.  for me.  just like i am.  i like so many people.  and i have given a lot to reach out.....but i know that i connect from my side but they don't have that same emotion.  don't get me wrong...i have people that are nice to me.  i have people that care.  it's just....i'm not "that" person, "that" friend, "that" family member to anyone.
today i had a lot on my mind.  not good at blurting it out.  and when it does finally come, it's silly sounding.  because so many things get held in.  i can't tell my kids everything.  it isn't appropriate at work to share all, either.
but.  i don't know.  just but.  i ache.  i sit here tonight knowing that i have nowhere to reach out.  last night i texted something stupid.  tonight i did something stupid.  and i'm just tired of feeling stupid.  i refuse to change who i am by being fake.  i will change to be kinder.  i will change to be gentler.  i will change to be wiser.  but i won't just change to win others over.  i spent a lifetime of that.  it stinks.  i'd rather be alone.
i am uncertain.  where do just odd people fit into the world?  and why do i have to be so odd?  i feel...normal....for me, how i am, who i am...is normal.  how others are feels bizarre.  i am a person who longs for compassion.  who sees needs.  who sees skills and talents and values encouraging.  i am not a hard hearted b*****.  Not usually.  i have faith.  at my very core.  i have hope.  i give hope.  i reach out to people even when they have nothing to offer me in return.  nothing.  i strive to give them encouragement to hold onto until they can function again.
uncertain.
i like who i am.  i desire to be more.  wise.  kind.  gentle. peaceful.  more of a warrior.  more.  good.  patient.  but i have decided that i won't desire to be different.  that i won't wish to be like others.  though...at my soul, sometimes i long for it.  i have determined to embrace me.  who i really am.  how i was really made.
but when i feel so vulnerable, i don't know what to do.  because how can i be better or more if there is nobody who cares?  and i feel uncertain because it makes me think that perhaps i just don't see how bad i am.  my ex obviously didn't think much of me.  if others don't, then maybe i'm just too weird to be any good to anyone.
tonight is so very hard.
but of this, i am certain.  god is at work.  god is good.  god has a plan that i do not need to approve nor even understand.  god is here...even in my tears.  and he will stay.  and though nobody may see my good intentions.  and though i seem to get on their nerves.  and though i am about as awkward as they come......he won't quit loving me.
and even now.  even with the tears streaming.  the lump in my throat making it hard to breathe.  the salt stinging my cheeks and entering my mouth as i struggle to take a breath.  my eyes blinking so that i can see to write the words....even in this mess that is me....he is present.  and he loves me.  and it is enough.  and my weeping is ok.  and my being hurt is not the end of the world.  and my being uncertain doesn't change the things that are certain.
i am blessed.  i have grown.  i cannot change how things are.  i cannot change how people respond to me.  i cannot change the fact that i can't dive into a revealing of deep things...of intimate things...without warming up time.  i can't.  it would be fake.  but i can choose to love this woman i am.  to glory in the unique and weird and eccentric things in her.....as i do when i see such attributes in others.  because i like the unusual.  i marvel at the beauty of someone being dissimilar.  
guess that's why i can find a bestie but can't seem to be a bestie.  such are the difficulties of life.  of relationship.
so here i sit.  writing.  finding my solace in this place.  again.  finding that i ran away rather than say that i was hurt.  finding that i couldn't bear it to feel invisible again.  and it's better to be alone than invisible.
tears and more tears.  it has been a very good year for tears.  and to think that i was so numb for so long that i couldn't even really cry.  guess i'm making up for it now.
i like me.  even if i'm the only one.  because i know the real me.  and she is pretty spectacular.  though....not easy to find in these tremulous times.  like a shaking, trembling chihuahua....running at the slightest chance of being rejected.  because i just can't deal with much more of that right now.  it has been a very hard year.  so much harder than anyone seems to realize.
and i am moving beyond whining.  so....most will probably never know.  nor hear.  nor be aware.  but to any that should ever come along and put their ear close and hear my heart.....maybe....perhaps...someday....i'll be seen again.
blessings.