this world and my home world have always been so very separate. this place has been my place to put out there every detail that i can't even bear to say aloud. this place has been a place to reach out to others. to let them know that they are not alone. this has been my place to be....laid bare. at least, mostly. though even here, sometimes, i can't say the deepest things. the things that were the undoing of my soul. yet, this place has been a solace to me. a tranquil place to come. a place to unload the chaff so that i can focus again. it has worked well.
though i still sound like a mess. though i am certainly not there yet. though i still have a journey to continue. i am so much better than a year ago. i am well beyond where i was two years ago. two years. i've been writing in this safe place for two years.
and my worlds now collide somewhat. i have put up a few photos. i have allowed a few...a very select few...who actually know me, to have access to this page. beyond those, every person that comes here is a god thing. someone searching for something. i know how that feels. i desperately know how it feels to look for a place where you can be understood. where you feel validated. i know how rare it is to find a place that believes in god and still knows how it is to be at the end of giving to an empty or abusive or using or dysfunctional or sick relationship. it's almost impossible.
the church doesn't address the issue except to say keep loving.
but what does love look like?
does love mean that the forgiveness has to look right to others?
because in the past, my world looked right.
but bitterness was building up.
i forgave, but i couldn't forget. i couldn't get past each day being the same treatment all over again. year after year. and i blamed myself. not him. i couldn't get past the guilt and shame of being such a dismal failure. of not meeting up to the standard of those that went to church with me. that worshiped god with me.
and going to the christmas eve service was good for me. because i stopped and realized. i acknowledged. i allowed this place to collide with that place. in my heart. this is the place that i was thinking of when i sat and heard how we make buffoons out of men. when i heard how women are responsible. when i heard the story of how messed up my children are going to be. it was hard. but this place finally collided with that place and reality washed into my heart there.
finally, instead of one or the other, i found that i can look and be compassionate to those that are espousing things out of ignorance. they don't know. they can't know. they have never walked in my shoes. they have never had my precise emotional makeup. they have never felt exactly what i've experienced. and i don't have to make them understand. i don't have to convince them to excuse my behavior. there needs no excusing. god doesn't excuse it...he forgives it. others don't need to excuse, they need to choose whether to be there or not. i indeed am "just as i am without one plea".
and so the world begin to collide.
so that this safe place can become my real world. i say that to mean that my real world should be and feel as safe to me as this place. and it is in my attitude that i have to work it into being. i have to truly be able to say what i need when i need to and when i can't, i need to let people have whatever feelings or reactions that they need to have without feeling as if i am the greatest disappointment ever. and that is how i feel when i go to church. it feels like people are doing me a favor to simply be nice to me. and it shouldn't be that way. the church should be the safest place in the world to be absolutely real. because it is not, too many things are covered up as people try to perform and look like they perceive christians are supposed to be. in reality.....christians are as diverse and amazingly unique as the rest of the world with one commonality...they have been redeemed. paid for.
life gets a little messy. ok, really, it gets a lot messy. and that's ok. that's truth. bare boned truth. no fluff. and the fact that it's not what i wish nor what i understand is not absurd. it's actually the norm for most people. i don't want to be among the hiders anymore. i want these worlds to collide. i want to feel as courageous in person as i feel here. i want to be transparent. gonna take some more time. but it's coming.
can't wait to see how it looks.
blessings.
though i still sound like a mess. though i am certainly not there yet. though i still have a journey to continue. i am so much better than a year ago. i am well beyond where i was two years ago. two years. i've been writing in this safe place for two years.
and my worlds now collide somewhat. i have put up a few photos. i have allowed a few...a very select few...who actually know me, to have access to this page. beyond those, every person that comes here is a god thing. someone searching for something. i know how that feels. i desperately know how it feels to look for a place where you can be understood. where you feel validated. i know how rare it is to find a place that believes in god and still knows how it is to be at the end of giving to an empty or abusive or using or dysfunctional or sick relationship. it's almost impossible.
the church doesn't address the issue except to say keep loving.
but what does love look like?
does love mean that the forgiveness has to look right to others?
because in the past, my world looked right.
but bitterness was building up.
i forgave, but i couldn't forget. i couldn't get past each day being the same treatment all over again. year after year. and i blamed myself. not him. i couldn't get past the guilt and shame of being such a dismal failure. of not meeting up to the standard of those that went to church with me. that worshiped god with me.
and going to the christmas eve service was good for me. because i stopped and realized. i acknowledged. i allowed this place to collide with that place. in my heart. this is the place that i was thinking of when i sat and heard how we make buffoons out of men. when i heard how women are responsible. when i heard the story of how messed up my children are going to be. it was hard. but this place finally collided with that place and reality washed into my heart there.
finally, instead of one or the other, i found that i can look and be compassionate to those that are espousing things out of ignorance. they don't know. they can't know. they have never walked in my shoes. they have never had my precise emotional makeup. they have never felt exactly what i've experienced. and i don't have to make them understand. i don't have to convince them to excuse my behavior. there needs no excusing. god doesn't excuse it...he forgives it. others don't need to excuse, they need to choose whether to be there or not. i indeed am "just as i am without one plea".
and so the world begin to collide.
so that this safe place can become my real world. i say that to mean that my real world should be and feel as safe to me as this place. and it is in my attitude that i have to work it into being. i have to truly be able to say what i need when i need to and when i can't, i need to let people have whatever feelings or reactions that they need to have without feeling as if i am the greatest disappointment ever. and that is how i feel when i go to church. it feels like people are doing me a favor to simply be nice to me. and it shouldn't be that way. the church should be the safest place in the world to be absolutely real. because it is not, too many things are covered up as people try to perform and look like they perceive christians are supposed to be. in reality.....christians are as diverse and amazingly unique as the rest of the world with one commonality...they have been redeemed. paid for.
life gets a little messy. ok, really, it gets a lot messy. and that's ok. that's truth. bare boned truth. no fluff. and the fact that it's not what i wish nor what i understand is not absurd. it's actually the norm for most people. i don't want to be among the hiders anymore. i want these worlds to collide. i want to feel as courageous in person as i feel here. i want to be transparent. gonna take some more time. but it's coming.
can't wait to see how it looks.
blessings.
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