responsibility

taking responsibility.  i am learning to take responsibility.  oh, i wasn't irresponsible.  i feed my family.  i take care of things.  i drive mostly safely.  i do things that are responsible as a teacher.  as a mom.  as a friend.  as a fellow human being.  i like to recycle.  though, i'm far from obsessive.  i have done many things in my life to be responsible.  but, in the last two years, i have been learning how to take responsibility for how my life went wrong without taking responsibility for the things that my ex did.  he did...and does...many things that are hurtful and unkind.  but the reality is that i have to take responsibility for those attitudes that are mine alone.  for those things that i do have control over.  did have control over.  and that's what happened.  i got to a point where i felt powerless.  where i felt dominated.  and that's not ok.  i allowed that.  i am strong.  i was strong.  i fought for a time...but at some point, i shut down.  i was sick of fighting.  sick of having the same battles over and over again with no chance of being heard or valued.  i was sick of being hurt....used....taken forgranted.  and i shut down.  that's on me.  i didn't choose it consciously, but i did it.  i exited from being fully present.  i existed without being fully involved...in my own life...that's shameful.  i did say no.  i did say that things had to change.  i did verbalize those things.  but i didn't make sure that they happened.  well, i did when i had him leave.  when i walked into the courthouse and filed papers and walked into the sheriff's office and paid the money to have him served the papers.  hardest things i ever did.  because i hated hurting him.  because i lived afraid of how he would behave when i hurt him.  when i made him mad.  but there was a day that i did it anyway.
i took responsibility.
and i've been learning how to do so ever since.  unfortunately, i have also done a lot of whining.  it was part of my processing.  of my admitting how bad things were.  that's really hard for me.  i don't like that i get whiney.  i don't like that  he can still push my buttons.  but...it's just the truth.  i'm not all healed yet.  i have to balance being patient with me while holding myself to a standard that encourages growth.  i don't want to get stuck behaving like a victim.  i want to grow.  to flourish.  to fly.
and i am responsible for flying.
for praying.
for searching.
for learning.
for believing.
for saying things.  like....no.
i not only have to behave responsibly, but i have have to take responsibility for my own life.  my own happiness.  my own dreams and purposes.
i can't forever say that i am stunted because of how my ex wounded me.  i can't just shrivel up and give up because i feel like such a failure.  i must grow.  i must shoulder that which i choose.  and i must choose.  and know that choosing not to do or say something is also a choice.
god is changing me.  inside out.  i am thankful.  blessed.  with a long way to go.  learning to balance being kind to me with holding myself responsible.  it's ok.  god loves me.  he can handle the fact that i'm not perfect. not even close.
and that has been the catalyst to my journey.  knowing once again that he is always there.  even when i've failed at the biggest thing in my life.
two years.  wow.  it's like walking in water.  takes a lot of energy to go only a little ways. but hey,it builds muscle!
blessings.