what word

kindness.  i want to be kind.  to others.  to myself.  to strangers.  to my body.  to my animals.  in attitude.  in heart.  truly kind.
speak.  i want to be able to speak what i need to say without simply writing it.  to tell forth good news.  to encourage.  to be genuine.  to give voice to words that uplift and are full of wisdom.  i long to speak from a heart that loves god and serves others.
silent.  and i want to be silent when i should.  i tend to fill the time with things that aren't as important when i have things that are important to be said.  i want to change that.  and i need silence.  it's how i reboot.  i don't find much of it in my life.
basically what i know my word will need to reflect is a return to a more normal and healthy self view.  i had to take this last year and focus on me.  i talked about me.  i thought about me.  and that was not bad or evil.  though, it was probably tiresome to others.  it was a necessary part of my journey.  i had to find that woman that is indeed the real me and acknowledge her.  i had to bring her back to life.  i had to allow her a voice.  i had to give her wings.  but now...it's time for her voice and wings and thoughts and encouragement to be more balanced.  it is time for her to look beyond herself...without forgetting herself.  it's time to find out how to live true to who she is supposed to be while not being self centered.
still don't know my word.  but i know the essence of my word is to keep what i have found and add to it an awareness and sensitivity to others.  both. not one or the other.
because to have healthy relationships it has to be about both.
i have begun.  at work it has been happening.  with my kids.  but it's tough.  i easily become others oriented.  easy to see their needs.  easy to want to help.  it has always been that way.  empathy.  and it's something that i want to have.  with boundaries.  that's a good word.  it's what i need.  to give.  but not without boundaries.  not without a thought of myself.
i want to be healthy.  i want to be giving.  to myself as well as others. i want to show my sensitivity to others.
this year, i have mostly felt like i've been a bit obnoxious.  a little bitchy.  i've cussed and said things that i normally wouldn't say.  i needed to.  i don't really know why.  i've just needed to.  take me or leave me.
a lot of people don't talk to my anyore.  if i reach out, they might respond.  if not, nothing is there.  and i've come a long way in that being ok.  though i have pain and though i have sadness, they no longer are so overwhelming.  they no longer are the most of what i experience.  i experience freedom.  i experience joy.  and in the midst of these, i acknowledge the pain and loss that i feel.
i sit here all alone this morning.  i remember that there will be no christmas calls for me.  and i don't run away from the feelings.  i guess that is what healing has looked like for me.  to be able to accept the things that are out of my power to change while busily choosing how i should be sculpted.  not alone.  with god guiding.  showing.  awakening.  waking me up.
awake.  another good word.
sculpted.
healthy.
so many good words.  but my last two have been perfect and i knew them when they came.  so i will wait.  i know what the word feels like.  i just need to find the one that encompasses that awareness.
blessings.
and happy christmas eve.  you are not alone.  i am here with you.