be known

a lot is all mixed up, cattywampus, crazy in my life.  yet, in the midst of all of it, i am being defined and redefined.  i am being seen by others in ways that i had forgotten.  so much good and so much grief all wrapped together.
i am known by people for being genuine.  authentic.  real.  vulnerable. myself.  being visible.  in a world of teaching where people hide and compete, i am known for risking.  and it makes me so happy.  i've come so very far.  at great cost.  with many losses and heartaches.  but still, what an amazing thing to see happen.
i am blessed.  daily.  greatly.
i breathe.  until i don't.  and when that day comes, i want to know that i risked and gave and loved and grew....that i lived deeply....and then i'll be able to say goodbye knowing that god used me as he wished.
love.
blessings.

a little down

today i'm not on top of the world.  not that anyone asks.  i'm ok.  just had a rough presentation...pretty much bombed it.  feeling inadequate in some ways.  i'm shaking that off.  not a big deal.  just areas to grow in.  however, the part that is difficult for me is that there's nobody that asks.  that checks  i'm slowly trying to reach out.  not easy for my personality. too tiring to work at in some ways.
it makes me sad and some days i just have to take time out to grieve.  it is what it is.  

junk food and rest

sometimes being gracious to myself means allowing myself to give in to my whims and cravings.  chips and onion dip.  homemade frosting.  homemade chicken and green chili enchiladas.  twizzlers.  it has been a big foodie kinda day.  and movies.  after four hours of cleaning.  though it doesn't look like it.  doors.  blinds.  counters.  floors.  that's ok, i know!
anyway, sometimes rest is also resting from the worries or troubles of what kinds of foods should be eaten.
rest.
learning
to
rest
yep.
blessings.

risk. dancing. living. going out.

i am kind of tired of risk taking.  it is wearing on me.  i love so many but i have this sense of being outside.  i'm not the just talk about stuff on the fly.  i require time.  and somehow i am not drawing people who want to spend any time with me.  being on my own isn't horrible.  i'm happy.  i just have a hard time with rejection.
yet, i do so many things that are out there.  i risk so often.
it's all about the bass has been going around my school.  and i started it...dancing through the halls.  now, we're going to do a parody.  and i smile.  because it's a huge thing for me.
but i'm sitting on the couch alone still.
i don't have friends that want to sit with me. or have a glass of wine.  or play a game.  or go to a movie. not even anyone who calls just to chat.  just don't.  guess that's just how it is.  guess i should stop asking since it makes me look like a total puppy dog hanging on.
just going to keep living happy.  not worried about it.  just....it was pointed out by one of my acquaintances that it happens.  a comforting conversation.  kind.  a little embarrassing...but not much.
so here i am.
i am dancing.  literally.  crazily.  enjoying.
i am laughing.  heartily.  joyfully.
i am living.
i am loving.
i can't help what others see or choose or do.
but i can decide not to force myself into the position that i feel the pain of being overlooked....forgotten....i can just go on without reaching out.
i can.
but i probably won't.  even though it hurts how it is, it's not who i am.
i'll just be true to who i am while still being careful with my heart.
i'll try.

Dancing through....loss

loss comes in all forms. it can be death.
or divorce.
or health.
or moving.
or empty nesting.
it can be the big things.
but the big things everyone else sees.
it's noted.
there's validation.
but the little things.
the things that sneak up.
unexpected.
lately i've had to face loss.
loss of relationships.
loss of people who care.
who invite.
who include.
who choose to be with me.
who value me for me.
loss.
but it's not seen.
there's no funeral.
no doctor's visits.
nothing to note the passing.

yet.
for the first time in a long time
i'm dancing
oh my goodness
laughing out loud
singing and dancing
in the grief
in the goodbyes
i'm not denying the pain
just choosing to see the beauty.
just learning to love the joy
just
living
just
dancing
and it's really fun
blessings.

mothered.

i've been "mothered" lately.  no, not like that.  nobody taking care of me, making me soup, doing my laundry.  no.  not at all.
more like this....
"mmoootthhher." with a sigh sound emitted at the end of the four syllable, drawn out pronunciation.  ha.  yes, dear daughter? hahahahaha.
i annoy my daughter sometimes.  ok, let's be frank...i annoy her often. i enjoy the dramatic sigh.  the little smile.  the knowing look that her mama loves her.  deeply and completely.
yep, i've been mothered and i couldn't be happier.
joyful.
loving life in the time and place.
it's good.
blessings.

teaching

my best teacher professor ever is not 76 years old.  we somewhat reconnected several months ago, but she was in recovery from a fall.  we have connected yet again this week.  she has turned to me for help on computer things.  it's funny because back in the college days, she was the one who told me to get going on computer knowledge.  she encouraged me to write my poems on a hard drive.  she was a catalyst.  now, she is getting up to snuff with facebook and wants to connect and know what to do.  it turns out that i'm pretty good at writing tutorials.
teaching is teaching.  whether it's a child or an adult.  and i love it.  it's fun to see someone fly.
it's really fun in this case since it means getting to know her again.  one of my favorite people ever.
blessings.

me

How I am is a novelty to me.  I used to know, but these days, I am frequently startled by my own discoveries about myself.  lately i've realized that i live a life that demands me to be more outgoing than i am by personality.  so, i absolutely need a lazy day.  i need time to veg. no demands.  no guilt.  just able to stop and be in my head or whatever.
it's not conducive to being easy for others.  i touch the edge of my bubble.  fingers fumble through a bit.  but, i am wary of getting too busy.  too overwhelmed.  i am such an introvert in every way.  i need time to reboot.  rejuvenate.  i need it.  not just want it.  and it's not bad.  it's not rude.  it's just me.
and those who know me do more than allow it.  they get it.
i am me.
and i am learning once again to like me.
blessings.

Used....in a good way

I enjoy my work.  It's hard and consuming.  It's exhausting and not full of a lot of kudos.  Yet, I love what can come from working with kids every day.  It grows me.  But, there's something else about work...there are all of these adults as well.  And this last week, I found that God has a use for me with them too. Three separate times I have been approached about God, religion and faith this week.  THREE.  Amazing.
First person said, "I wish that I could be like you and have faith, but those people in churches are so messed up."  I said, "That's why it's about relationship and not religion."  She was agreeable.  We still simply just enjoy one another and act like we are 40 years younger.  I just want to be her friend.  Not my job to push her, it's my job to be used.
Second person, "I just don't understand this whole religion thing.  People are so mean about it.  Don't know how anyone can be involved."  I said, "That's why it's supposed to be about relationship and not religion.  People cling to religion to have rules and regulations to make them feel like they are accomplishing something and to keep others 'under control'...especially their kids."  She said, "That makes so much more sense."
Third person, "We've been getting to know each other, and  I was wanting to know more about your family tree."  (those of you who have followed this blog know that my family tree is mostly grafts and a huge gnarly mess)  I was on my way out the door.  I gave a less than five minute overview of my past...from birth to now....and all of the mess, unfaithfulness, fear, lies...whatever.  Then I said, "But the thing is that I never walked alone.  God walked through it all."  She said, "That gives me chills, I want to know more when we have more time."  She is a non religious Jew.  I got a follow up email saying that she had really been thinking about our talk and wanted me to know how she already loved me but felt so good that I would be vulnerable with the truth of my life.
A testimony.  A life lived that points to God.  Period.  It's not about some religious thing written out and planned.  It's about seeing God in our past.  It's about seeing His hand, His provision, His protection and putting it into real words with real friends.  It's not a spiel.  It's an answer.
A testimony is a living, breathing life.  It is the life of which we speak.
I have been used.  Oh, how good it is to be used.
blessings.

give me the words

when i feel happy.
full of joy.
above the clouds.
exhilarated.
give me the words.
to share my story.
to give hope.
to be open.

when i am sick.
ever so tired.
nearly unable to go on.
exhausted.
give me the words.
to share my story.
to give hope.
to be open.

when i am peaceful.
light of heart.
calm of soul.
tranquil.
give me the words.
to share my story.
to give hope.
to be open.

when i am lonely.
not just alone
but friendless
isolated.
give me the words.
to share my story
to give hope.
to be open.

and when i am confused
don't have anyone to talk
to anyway
still
give me the words
to share my story
to give hope
to be open.

energy

energy is a limited resource.  not just oil and gas and coal, but MINE.  i have had inhibited energy and strength for several years.  i take care to eat good stuff.....though i am not a fanatic...still love my doughnuts.  but i have to take care and i have to make choices.  i choose people.  i choose teaching.  i choose laughter and trips.  i view my energy as currency.  i have to spend it.  i have to invest it wisely.  there's only so much.
i give time to my work.  and loads of time to my daughter.  i have been blessed to have the boys gone and to have these two years with just her.  she deserves it.  i can tell that it it nice for her.  she gets to be a little spoiled.  to be an "only" child after being the youngest of five.
i spend my week working and taking her places and keeping house.  i have a deal with her where i'll do most of the work, because i realize that she's busy.  really busy.  but she has to keep her bathroom tidy and help keep the kitchen nice.  sometimes she does. :)
i choose to give my energy to the kids at school and my family and friends.  that's pretty much it.  that's all i got.  and that's ok.  when i do those things, i know that it was worth it.
but i'm going to keep fighting health wise.  not giving up.  not quitting.  too much livng to do.
but some days, the tank is dry.  then what? well, i just rest.  and i don't worry.  and i don't criticize myself.  i just......rest.  period.  and that's ok.  it's good.  it's beneficial.  it's healthy.  it's knowing what i need and doing it.
so, i'm in bed and it's not quite nine.  and that's ok too.  i know what i need.
the greatest part is that i don't have to explain it to anyone.  i don't have to make excuses.  i just simply go when i can and stop when i can't.
energy.
it's precious.  it's limited.
it's necessary to choose.  daily.  hour by hour.
i'm proud to be making good choices.
blessings.

aha moments

i have been struggling relationally...as i mentioned in my last post.  my deep sense of loss often leaves me wondering if what i have to offer is something that will touch people...will help them.  after school on friday, i stood in someone's room and we chatted.  we talk so completely freely.  she is never offended by any of my silliness nor naughtiness.  she just cracks up and joins me in having fun.  she's a bit older than i am so i call us the old ladies.
as we talked on friday, she suddenly stopped and said, "i admire how you can be real and still have your faith.  i just can't do it. i despise what organize religion has done."  (jaw drop).
aha.
 then i say, "i'm not so good at religion, but i need the relationship."  and that was the little moment.  very small.   miniscule even. but suddenly i saw god's hand again in my life.  using me.  just as i am.  no pretense.  drawing someone to his love.
so, though in the midst of knowing that divorce and the fact that i supported another divorce and apparently am viewed as a home wrecker by some churched people, i saw something new.  a stream in the desert. a way in the wilderness.  purpose.  useful to god.  for his purpose.  to bring himself glory.  and it's beautiful.  though i'm just me.  nothing religious.  nothing to write home about.
and the parents of my students are the same way.  they lift me by recognizing what i have to give their children.  it's something that brings me hope.
aha.
things are different.  but i am not useless trash.
yet, i still have longings to have real friends.  you know...people who want to sit on the couch with my boring self and watch a sappy or silly movie.  but for now, that's not to be.  so, i must just walk through the time and do my learning.  i must trust.  i must enjoy the aha moments.  and when need be, i must go ahead and weep.  because that's just how it is sometimes.
sometimes the reality of relationship is that it simply hurts and feels like loss.
life is beautiful.
strange and sometimes hard, but brilliantly beautiful.
and i am blessed.
blessings.  you are cared about.  deeply.  and valuable.  just like you are.

hello.

hi.
sometimes i wish that i could capture that smile that i once saw.  that happiness that showed when you were with me.  sometimes, i wish i knew why that has gone away.  how did it go from no matter what to being simply about what is necessary?  where did the silly go?  i wonder how it is that caring doesn't mean enough and that being willing is expected but not appreciated.  when did communication become about what needs to be done and not about dreams or plans or the heart stuff?  often i wonder what i did.  how i messed up.  at least, i used to.  now, i've chosen to let go of that.  i can only be me.  i can only be sorry.  i can only give my heart freely and then let go.  i miss the easiness.  being wanted.  being sought out for........myself.  i miss being seen.
i have learned to be light.  to let go.  but it doesn't mean that there's not a longing.  a wishing.
i read recently that the ones that won't fight for you aren't right for you.  my ex was like that.  but, i don't expect it in my friends.  i don't expect it because my friends have been so amazing.
i kind of know what must have gone wrong.  i had to take the blame.  it was a huge pile of blame.  it came from inside and outside sources and was laid at my feet.  fully and completely.  it took my very breath away.  i had not done anything harmful intentionally.  but i guess i was me.  sticking up for others.  getting involved where i shouldn't.  i apologized.  but, sometimes, apologies can't  really do much.  not something i can fix.  seems like when i get to the point that i think that i'm not completely responsible, i find myself again in that position.  that position of knowing that i'm being blamed...whether justly or unjustly.....and that there are none to stand for me.  and that is a very tender place in my soul.  i am wounded there because of my ex.  the tears well up, but there is not any place to go for comfort.  most of the people i know have been tainted by the words.  then, they got a good follow up dose from my ex.  frankly, my reputation didn't really stand a chance. and truthfully, i don't care much about my reputation.  but i care about what it has done to my relationships.  i care about how it has diminished trust.  i care about the fact that i lost so much and was not stood up for at all.  by anybody.  nope.  some people were nice enough.  still are.  ok.  but, distant.  and for me, for my personality.  for my heart.  that is incredibly painful.  deeply.
and so i keep going.  i have "friends".  i have work people in my life.  i have some connections.  but, i still feel the loss.
i called three friends today.  my daughter and i were inviting to a girls day.  two couldn't.  one was sick and i didn't ask.  but it prompted that sense of loss again.  that sense that somehow nothing will ever again be close.  that i will never again really be a part.  that, while i get to participate to a degree, the taint of the "rumors" and "accusations" follow continually.  sadly, it does't keep me from loving. from wishing.  from hoping.  because, i am a hoper.  always a hoper.  even if it means hurting.  just how i am.  i don't desire to change it.
oh how i miss so many things.
but i'm ok.  still.  i'm learning to live in what is.  i'm learning that others can't help how they feel and that i can't make it better.  i'm learning.  but it doesn't keep me from feeling the pain still.  and i have learned that you can't explain the loss to anyone.  it just serves to widen the gap with discomfort.
so, i keep walking forward.  i keep choosing joy.  i keep loving life and being happy.   but in the midst of it all there remains that sense of longing for something that was lost.  and i guess i just had to write about it.
good night.
blessings.  you are loved.

Changes

my daughter and i have gone through a lot of changes this year.  especially her.  it has taken a lot of growing up and making good choices for her to make it.  but, she is making it.  her good friend is having to change schools.  granted, she made some poor decisions, but some other things also came into play.  it has been hard for my daughter, but she decided to be supportive and kind to her friend by helping her choose the best new fit and encouraging her as she prepares to head to a new high school.  she plans on still reaching out to her and inviting her to youth group activities.  she knows that her friend is looking for "something" and that she need genuine love.  it has been heartbreaking and heartwarming watching my daughter go through this process.  she has seen some really unkind things happen to this girl.  most of them come from a source of another person my daughter knows.  it hurts her.  the pain shows in her face.  however, she has finally seemed to settle on the fact that some things are out of her control.  she can't help the used to be friend that drinks heavily and gripes and complains about people my daughter loves.  can't help that the girl is two faced and lives a double life.  but she can help her other friend survive.  she can be someone who can be counted on to be kind.  i appreciate her courage.  i appreciate her perspective.  it hasn't come easy.  it has come with a sense of loss.  it has been hard earned.  but the change has grown my daughter into a more mature young woman. i am pleased that she is learning to walk through some hard things.  i am pleased that she knows where to turn.  i ache for her.  some of the losses have been gut wrenching.  some of the betrayals are unbelievable.  yet, she stands.  she walks.  she prays. she persists.  she is becoming a woman of virtue.  the one who betrays can't do anything that harms my daughter ultimately, because my daughter refuses to let it.  sometimes she cries.  but, then she gets up and keeps going.  i am a proud mama.