i have been struggling relationally...as i mentioned in my last post. my deep sense of loss often leaves me wondering if what i have to offer is something that will touch people...will help them. after school on friday, i stood in someone's room and we chatted. we talk so completely freely. she is never offended by any of my silliness nor naughtiness. she just cracks up and joins me in having fun. she's a bit older than i am so i call us the old ladies.
as we talked on friday, she suddenly stopped and said, "i admire how you can be real and still have your faith. i just can't do it. i despise what organize religion has done." (jaw drop).
aha.
then i say, "i'm not so good at religion, but i need the relationship." and that was the little moment. very small. miniscule even. but suddenly i saw god's hand again in my life. using me. just as i am. no pretense. drawing someone to his love.
so, though in the midst of knowing that divorce and the fact that i supported another divorce and apparently am viewed as a home wrecker by some churched people, i saw something new. a stream in the desert. a way in the wilderness. purpose. useful to god. for his purpose. to bring himself glory. and it's beautiful. though i'm just me. nothing religious. nothing to write home about.
and the parents of my students are the same way. they lift me by recognizing what i have to give their children. it's something that brings me hope.
aha.
things are different. but i am not useless trash.
yet, i still have longings to have real friends. you know...people who want to sit on the couch with my boring self and watch a sappy or silly movie. but for now, that's not to be. so, i must just walk through the time and do my learning. i must trust. i must enjoy the aha moments. and when need be, i must go ahead and weep. because that's just how it is sometimes.
sometimes the reality of relationship is that it simply hurts and feels like loss.
life is beautiful.
strange and sometimes hard, but brilliantly beautiful.
and i am blessed.
blessings. you are cared about. deeply. and valuable. just like you are.
as we talked on friday, she suddenly stopped and said, "i admire how you can be real and still have your faith. i just can't do it. i despise what organize religion has done." (jaw drop).
aha.
then i say, "i'm not so good at religion, but i need the relationship." and that was the little moment. very small. miniscule even. but suddenly i saw god's hand again in my life. using me. just as i am. no pretense. drawing someone to his love.
so, though in the midst of knowing that divorce and the fact that i supported another divorce and apparently am viewed as a home wrecker by some churched people, i saw something new. a stream in the desert. a way in the wilderness. purpose. useful to god. for his purpose. to bring himself glory. and it's beautiful. though i'm just me. nothing religious. nothing to write home about.
and the parents of my students are the same way. they lift me by recognizing what i have to give their children. it's something that brings me hope.
aha.
things are different. but i am not useless trash.
yet, i still have longings to have real friends. you know...people who want to sit on the couch with my boring self and watch a sappy or silly movie. but for now, that's not to be. so, i must just walk through the time and do my learning. i must trust. i must enjoy the aha moments. and when need be, i must go ahead and weep. because that's just how it is sometimes.
sometimes the reality of relationship is that it simply hurts and feels like loss.
life is beautiful.
strange and sometimes hard, but brilliantly beautiful.
and i am blessed.
blessings. you are cared about. deeply. and valuable. just like you are.
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