hello.

hi.
sometimes i wish that i could capture that smile that i once saw.  that happiness that showed when you were with me.  sometimes, i wish i knew why that has gone away.  how did it go from no matter what to being simply about what is necessary?  where did the silly go?  i wonder how it is that caring doesn't mean enough and that being willing is expected but not appreciated.  when did communication become about what needs to be done and not about dreams or plans or the heart stuff?  often i wonder what i did.  how i messed up.  at least, i used to.  now, i've chosen to let go of that.  i can only be me.  i can only be sorry.  i can only give my heart freely and then let go.  i miss the easiness.  being wanted.  being sought out for........myself.  i miss being seen.
i have learned to be light.  to let go.  but it doesn't mean that there's not a longing.  a wishing.
i read recently that the ones that won't fight for you aren't right for you.  my ex was like that.  but, i don't expect it in my friends.  i don't expect it because my friends have been so amazing.
i kind of know what must have gone wrong.  i had to take the blame.  it was a huge pile of blame.  it came from inside and outside sources and was laid at my feet.  fully and completely.  it took my very breath away.  i had not done anything harmful intentionally.  but i guess i was me.  sticking up for others.  getting involved where i shouldn't.  i apologized.  but, sometimes, apologies can't  really do much.  not something i can fix.  seems like when i get to the point that i think that i'm not completely responsible, i find myself again in that position.  that position of knowing that i'm being blamed...whether justly or unjustly.....and that there are none to stand for me.  and that is a very tender place in my soul.  i am wounded there because of my ex.  the tears well up, but there is not any place to go for comfort.  most of the people i know have been tainted by the words.  then, they got a good follow up dose from my ex.  frankly, my reputation didn't really stand a chance. and truthfully, i don't care much about my reputation.  but i care about what it has done to my relationships.  i care about how it has diminished trust.  i care about the fact that i lost so much and was not stood up for at all.  by anybody.  nope.  some people were nice enough.  still are.  ok.  but, distant.  and for me, for my personality.  for my heart.  that is incredibly painful.  deeply.
and so i keep going.  i have "friends".  i have work people in my life.  i have some connections.  but, i still feel the loss.
i called three friends today.  my daughter and i were inviting to a girls day.  two couldn't.  one was sick and i didn't ask.  but it prompted that sense of loss again.  that sense that somehow nothing will ever again be close.  that i will never again really be a part.  that, while i get to participate to a degree, the taint of the "rumors" and "accusations" follow continually.  sadly, it does't keep me from loving. from wishing.  from hoping.  because, i am a hoper.  always a hoper.  even if it means hurting.  just how i am.  i don't desire to change it.
oh how i miss so many things.
but i'm ok.  still.  i'm learning to live in what is.  i'm learning that others can't help how they feel and that i can't make it better.  i'm learning.  but it doesn't keep me from feeling the pain still.  and i have learned that you can't explain the loss to anyone.  it just serves to widen the gap with discomfort.
so, i keep walking forward.  i keep choosing joy.  i keep loving life and being happy.   but in the midst of it all there remains that sense of longing for something that was lost.  and i guess i just had to write about it.
good night.
blessings.  you are loved.