broken car

at the end of that whole long tedious painful day called yesterday....i got a call from my 21 year old.  he was at work.  his car was dead.  i drove out.  i waited for a long time while as a couple of coworkers tried to help him.  that was sweet to see.  i brought him to my house.  i gave him my car because he had to be back to work in about 8 hours...maybe 7.  his brother's car is here and available but has no current plates and we hadn't started it in about six weeks.  it was cold, late and windy.  i decided he needed to rest and know that he'd be ok in the morning.  so...he drove off in my car.  

but there was this little part in the back of my mind that wondered...why didn't he call his dad.  why didn't he ask him to tow him.  why.  i know why.  his dad is hard to deal with.  self centered.  so his dad takes him out to eat.  plays games.  makes chit chat.  but when it comes to life i'm still his parent.  it's eye opening.  i make sure he gets a bed for his apartment.  to get a plane ticket to go to the dad's side of family christmas.  to be sure he has car insurance.  phone service.  he's a college student.  he is grown...mostly...but still needs a hand up.  and being there for him in those rare times that he asks....it's a privilege.  i am glad that he called.  i am glad that we will work it out together.  i am glad that he didn't have to feel alone.  but i have this sadness regarding my ex.  that he lost out and doesn't even know it.  it's not about popularity.  it's about standing together.  being real.  loving for who we are...not who we wish people would be.  makes me ill.  literally.  wears on my body.  but just like fighting a virus, it is wearing, tiring, painful, something to deal with....but knowing that it will pass.  that eventually the body aches, tummy ache, headache and diarrhea will pass.  in this case....the heartache as well.  because i gave everything to someone who threw it away and then asks me to give some more without even thinking that the whole last twenty years has had a huge impact that doesn't just disappear.  he thinks that saying sorry...maybe even being sorry...fixes the fact that his behavior destroys self worth.  destroys hope.  sinks relationships.  i can see why he's sorry.  i can appreciate that he may even repent.  though...he seems to still be in the same pattern.  there's apologies for the past but absolutely no change in the present.  well...yes, a change in taking the kids out to eat.  in spending money on those kinds of things.  oh well.  they can't be bought off.  they need real.

on a great note...another son brought home a card from the giving tree at school.  to get a gift for a 10-14 aged girl.  so proud of him.  of course, he gave it to me today.  it's due tomorrow.  he said, it's ok, we have time.  i love the "we".

blessings.

Realization

All day long yesterday, something pulled on my memory.  Trying to convince me to remember.  To look at what had happened.  And...finally....in the wee hours this morning, there it was.  This breakdown that I had yesterday was not the first.
The very first time ever that this happened....and it actually happened two times in less than a year....it was when my daughter was less than a year old.  The first time, we were camping on the back side of Rocky Mountain National Park in August...which felt like October or November when a storm rolled in.  Our water turned to ice it was so cold.  I was trying to cook in the flap of the tent while keeping the kids warm in the tent after he had allowed them to get soaked.  They were really little and it was really cold.  We were tent camping.  There was no way to dry out anything.  He refused to understand the danger....little tiny bodies, wet, cold....hypothermia.  I had camped my whole life.  I understood clearly that they needed to be warmed up.  Dry. Cooking in the tent was too dangerous, but keeping the door open allowed the whipping wind inside.  It was stressful.  And he was....playing.  He didn't get it at all.  I was trying so hard to get them warm food.  Out to the cooler...back....cook....monitor darlings...it was so much.  And the next morning, I lost it.  The weather had settled in, not moved on...our water was frozen...not a thin layer...a THICK layer of ice.  He thought it was fine to stay.  The children were even invited into an older couples RV.  At the moment when I could not make him understand the danger, when he simply had his eyes on what he wanted, when there was no reasoning....I lost it.  And it so surprised me.  I carried his selfish behavior so often, but in this moment, I knew that there was something to lose that I couldn't lose out of stupidity....children.  I also lost something else that day...my love of camping.  At least with him.  Because I lost trust.  I didn't realize it at the time.  Then, a few months later, in the winter, after the holidays, it was night and I had been trying to communicate and it kept being like it was in our marriage....the constant barrage of what words I was using wrong or how I was saying it wrong or how I was bad for feeling how I did.  I wasn't trying to start an argument.  I was trying to talk.  And he badgered.  He poked.  He hurt.  He made fun.  He minimalized everything I tried to say.  I remember the snapping feeling.  Of just feeling like my life was useless.  That I was a lousy wife.  That I was of no value whatsoever.  I wasn't suicidal in the way he feared...I was to the place of seeing maybe the world was better off without me.  Not with intent to end my life intentionally...but without hope.  I told him that he needed something different.  That I could not keep on with this life.....I was sobbing and over the edge.  And he told me that he'd call our friends.  My best friend.  And he didn't say that he had pushed or been horrible.  He basically said that I was talking about not living.  Dying.  And I had to get on the phone and listen and agree not to do that and remember about my kids.  I said the right things and got off of the phone.  And since then, I have never had such an "episode".  Not so intense.  I began to withdraw.  To not allow him to hurt me anymore.  There was nobody to talk to,  No way to say how crazy he made me feel.  And that's what it was.  The boiling over of feeling crazy from how he behaved.  How he treated me.  And it happened again yesterday because of very similar reasons.  He has been so selfish.  And needy all at once.  Mean to me....but acting so sweet in front of others.  And it broke me.  But seeing it is good.  Breaking has a place.  It allows me to be honest.  To face how hard this time has been.  To allow myself deep and genuine compassion rather than constant "do this better."  Because I do want to do this better.  I want to be a decent, kind, loving mom.  And  I simply blew that.
I pretty much despise him.  And love him?  I don't turn from love and care easily.  Though I've separated myself, I still cover, still make things easier, still help, still give him credibility with the kids.  That could just be love for the kids.  Protecting them from seeing his selfishness.  Letting them see the good.  I want to give them the best possible.  I want to pay the cost...not them.
But yesterday, my body and emotions gave in all at once.  Too much for too long.  But you know what?  I made it 14 years since that first time.  And  raised some pretty great kids.  I survived.  Now I want to thrive.  I feel awful about yesterday.  And there's nothing I can do about yelling and crying and telling them that they were being selfish.  Yep, I said it.  BUT...I can learn to live differently from here on.  To speak up.  To say days that I need.  And....to let them go.
I realize that this has been a long time coming and that yesterday should have been directed at the jerk that put me in such stress during the holidays.  But it won't kill my kids to see my pain and my letting go.  They will forgive.  I will try to forgive myself.  I feel so sad about it.  And mad at him.  Though I know it's my responsibility how I behave.
Yesterday was a hard day.  Today I think I'm sick.  Or maybe just recovering.  I don't know.  But my body feels awful.  I'll just try to be good to me.  That is a bit tricky with teens.  I'll try anyway.
blessings.

Night has come

Today, I had as close to a breakdown as I have come to.  For real.  I lost it with my kids.  I have been hurting over all of this Christmas stuff and then the letter in the mail and the change of plans and....I don't know, but I finally broke down.  I am ashamed of it.  I want to do better than that.  There was absolutely nothing I could do...I was pushed in some way that finally toppled me.  It hurt.  A lot.
Even now, my head is pounding.  My heart aches.  All day long, I just kept going back to...I can't believe that I was ballistic crazy lady.  Wow.  It was pretty horrible.
I am glad that it's night.  I'm tired.  I don't want to get up tomorrow.  I want to hide under my covers. No such luck.  I have a life to live.  But....I am worn out.  Totally.  Drained.
And tonight I heard that there is to be NO gift exchange in Texas.  None.  How sorry is that?  I mean, draw names?  Have a five dollar be creative limit.  Give an experience.  Do secret santas.  But...nothing?  Really? My kids had even been figuring out what they would do.  On the cheap?  Yes, but still, they were willing to figure it out.  It's not about the money.  It's about the fun.  Even white elephants.  Oh well.  Just means that I gave the best gift to all of them....my great kids....plane tickets....time......and they won't even realize it.  The ex will get the credit for being so good to bring them.  Blah.
This melt down I had was huge.  It made me stop and think about how hurt I have been lately.  It's easy to think that I should just deal with some of it on my own.  But, what will be appropriate to tell my kids?  To let them know?  I am not sure.  Feel like I've failed them in so many ways already and I really don't want to blow this.  Twas a hard hard day.
With good too.  Tree getting.  Lunch out.
It was just so much.  I need a week simply to recover.  I am too exhausted emotionally to even really put it to words.  Guess I'll work on that another time.

A reflective morning

Time to rest this morning.  Haven't felt well. But, not too bad.  Just enough to make me weaker.  Which, for me.....not good. But, I have been here in bed thinking about Christmas.  It's not easy to do. I don't want to be pathetic.  That seems to be my biggest fear of all.  To not only feel the feelings of loss and pain but to have them spill over onto others.  That...I don't want.  So I am trying to be pro-active.  Facing things a bit at a time.  Working at it.  And it is work.  Lots of work.
But this was a good morning for it.  A very good morning.  Alone.  In bed.  To practice dealing with the emotions.  To pray.  To think it through.
I don't really have money to do something for me.  I gave it to my eldest kid in the form of a trip.  So it looks like I'll probably have to suck it up and stay here.  Unless God provides something else.  But, I have things to do at my house.  And I can deal with being alone.  It's probably not the alone so much as the idea of not with my kids.  Of having been used again by my ex.  He didn't even respond to my email about when will they be back.  So, I could go out of town and not get back in time....stressful.  I don't want to have to ask my kids...puts them on the spot.  So I carry the burden of not knowing.
It will be a good trip for them.  So much fun with cousins, aunt, uncles, grandparents.  That is what I choose to look upon.  But on mornings like today, I force myself to stop and look at how it's actually going to feel...it's going to be really hard.  Harder than I think that I can imagine.  And I just have to get through it.
My ex thinks that somehow there's a way that I would want to get back together because he is going back and apologizing.  I do appreciate his new sense of awareness.  However, it doesn't change the current behavior.  I don't think that taking a decade between hurting someone and seeing it, indicates a close relationship.  He's still behaving the same.  And probably doesn't even know it.
Wonder if he knows that I gave him a gift.  That I made it possible for the kids to be free emotionally to be present with him and his family this holiday?  I don't think that he has a clue.  I released them.  Because I want for them not to be torn.  I want them to be able to go full out with what they are doing.  I don't want to be a pulling force that makes them feel stretched or uncomfortable.  I know they love me.  They don't have to choose me or be sad about not being with me for me to know that.
I kind of hope that they call me on Christmas, but not sure that will happen.  They feel awkward talking to me when they are there.  That will be ok too.
Now...on to making this house decorating ready.
blessings.

epic fail

you know, i keep thinking that i'm moving on.  moving forward.  that i'm brave.  and then i have a day like today.  he was texting my friend to say that the lines on the sprinkler system should be blown out.  she didn't know what to say because i made it awkward by being so screwed up about being able to handle his being present and made to be "necessary".  so, i was crushed by the fact that my crap once again affected someone else.  then, i dealt with that.  emailed.  went on to the concert my daughter had.  my ex was going too.  honestly, i was thinking how well i was doing.  had to walk into the school alone.  knew i'd have to find a seat.  was nervous, but doing it.  found a friend and was so happy.  sat between her and a youngun.  then the friend and her hubby left and i felt exposed.  i felt vulnerable.  i had as close to a panic attack as i could have without everyone knowing.  scared me.  because i was tired.  and weary of feeling uncomfortable.  and for awhile there, i had felt safe.  i survived, but not with much grace and aplomb.  by the skin of my teeth.
and on top of everything else, i feel like he will eventually whittle away at my friendships too.  makes me ill.  but, i keep remembering that it simply is what it is.  my worrying nor my regret will not change it.  i just have to let go.  i have to learn to love well.  i must give and not allow myself to get caught up in being needy.  i must take care of myself.  rest.  food.  time.  time to speak how i feel.  time alone.  guess i'll get plenty of that as the holiday is coming...
but you know, though i have felt literally like an epic fail today, i'm ok.  this is the life i have chosen.  and as hard as it is...it sure as heck beats how i was living.
maybe there will be a surprise job offer for him in texas.  oh, wait, i must have been dreaming. ;)
blessings.

Sometimes I Wonder

I wonder what I did wrong.  I wonder if I am wrong.  I wonder if I should turn back from this new life I've begun.  After all, he did write a nice letter and all.  I wonder if I am indeed hard hearted.  I wonder if I'm unfair.  I wonder if I'm unkind or completely a b****.  I wonder so many things about my decisions.  I choose to live on my own.  To let go of what I had hoped to have.  And in the midst of my wonderings, I find out that he has changed the date that he's taking the kids out of town.  Without so much as a word.  As if I have no life.  No plans.  With no respect or consideration.  And I remember how things were.  And I remember that I am not hard hearted but simply a woman desiring to do more than barely survive.
I didn't respond to his apologetic tone letter.  I don't know what to say.  Well, nothing that I haven't already said.  Over and over.
I'm done.  No more fighting for me.
I need peace.
blessings.

Sleep

Today I had trouble wanting to get out of bed.  Not for the usual reasons.  Out of thankfulness and wanting the moment to last.
I got this new bed.  I have faced the feelings and the emotions and managed to BUY it.  The first night was not smooth.  And, last night, when I headed to bed exhausted......I was more than a little bit nervous.  I was plain scared  Uncomfortable.  Afraid that I wouldn't sleep again.  Wondering if I was going to have to move my little bed into a place so that I could sleep.
But, I took a deep breath.  I remembered that a night of sleep loss wouldn't kill me.  I prayed.  I took more deep breaths.  And closed my eyes.  And didn't open them again until 4 am.  Peaceful.  Sleep.  And I went back to sleep at four.  At 5:30 I just wanted to linger in bed.  Resting.  Letting that feeling of comfort wash over me.
Sleep is a good thing.  A blessing.  True rest restores not only the body, but the mind.
I feel thankful.  Blessed.  Abundantly.

here on my big girl bed

today i made a rash decision.  i decided to take my credit card that i had eked by and made a decent payment on....and spend money on a mattress/box springs for myself.  it was a very hard decision for me.  but, today was the day.  i got it in my mind to do it and do it i did.  a friend went with me to alleviate the emotional trouble and to provide transportation for my purchase.  i found it harder than i probably was even able to express.  beds.  it has been close to three years since i have had a real bed in my own home.  i went to the couch.  the floor.  i had a cot after my husband moved out.  trust me, it was small.  with a four inch foam mattress.  but...with lots of pillows around me and pushed in a corner, i felt safer.  bed isn't a safe feeling place to me.  my ex doesn't realize how traumatized i am.  but, dealing with the bed issue has been huge for me.  the whole sex thing that i've talked about and how difficult that part of my life was...it's all just so much.  so desperately painful.  when i say that i was damaged or wounded, i mean it.  i was changed by his disregard, by his using.  by his never being content with who i was.  by the humiliating feeling that sex brought....especially in the end.  always to some degree, but after i had expressed what pain i was in, how hurt, how i needed connection...and he just plowed forward to get what he wanted...how he wanted.  if i was hesitant, he would use guilt.  so hard.  but, here i am.  in a bed.  hopefully it won't fall down.  the frame i had purchased earlier didn't work...so i'm using one that one of my sons had jury rigged awhile back.  i'll keep my eyes open for a different one.  but...for now...this will be ok.  stickers on it and all. ;)
i am so tired from being awake so early.  terrified about having to rise and shine tomorrow.  but i know that it will be fine.  no real problem.  it's just what happens when i get so physically exhausted.  i get scared that i won't be able to do it.  i have been careful with myself.  worked to not overdue.  but tonight i had that feeling inside.  that absolutely melted like butter exhaustion.  not enough lay down time.  and now...a new bed to get used to.  i am hoping that i can do this.  so far...so good.  i'm here sitting on it.  new white sheets.  new down comforter.  heating pad plugged in and heated.  should be good.  but it's.....big.  i am used to a bed less than three feet wide.  it was hard to sleep well in it because to roll over, i had to wake up.  but, it was safe feeling.  i was cozied in it.  i have to learn to be cozy in this bed.  it is still up to a wall.  in a corner.  i think it'll work.  i'm praying it'll work.  i need to start resting better.
buying a bed shouldn't be so emotionally draining.  but i'll tell you....it absolutely exhausted me.  i don't even know how to explain it to anyone.  but i did it anyway.  i will face each thing.  i will take back my home.  i will not let him and the memories of how he treated me ruin all of my life.  it's taking time to heal...but i am managing it one step at a time.  onward.
blessings.

time to think

this morning i awoke early.  really early.  and had time to think.  and organize my emotions.  my feelings.  my needs. i had more clarity than i have had in a long time.
my ex wrote me and the letter was full of good things.  about things of the past.  with no understanding of the present.  nor of the fact that every time i had ever tried to talk to him about those exact things in the last twenty years, he punished me by being unkind, turning it on me, causing more grief, making a fight that lasted for hours which always ended when he decided to cry or demean himself so that i would feel sorry for him.  comfort him.  it wasn't a healthy way to live.  now, it feels abusive, but then, it slowly destroyed me.  i felt less than him.  i felt unimportant.  like i wasn't worth hearing or understanding.
but, nonetheless, he wrote the letter.  mailed it.  i got it.  guess he could have put the check in there, but it would have come a day early, and he never does that.  he sends it to arrive just in time.  never a day early.  so, this paragraph is just to say....he is still stingy.
anyway, i awoke early trying to figure some things out about my rental house.  i took all of the responsibility for it in court, but we will share whatever it profits when it sells.  i did it because of a friend that lives there.  i didn't want to have to deal with my ex every time the house needed something.  i also didn't....and don't...trust him to meet the needs of the friend's financial needs as she wound up a single mom and doesn't have full time work.  that's it...i didn't trust him.  i did this so that what needed to be done could be done without me having to deal with him because i couldn't bear having to agree or discuss every little thing.  even at the beginning,  i was beginning to know my boundaries.  and that i needed to have some.  to allow myself some.
but, my friend and he remain friends.  she needs help.  he uses the opportunity.  she asked him if the tree trimming stuff was in my barn.  he said he had it.  he said he'd come over and trim her trees.  he got a saturday afternoon at my friend's house...happening to be on a day that i needed my friend because of a letter he had sent.  and on top of that, unbeknownst to her, he gained ammunition for in the future to say how much he has done toward helping.  how i need him to do the maintenance.  i know how he works.  i know that when the house sells....no matter what i put in....he'll use these things to be sure that i don't get reimbursed.  we'll split fifty fifty.
sigh.
but, it is how it is.  when i woke up, i realized that.  i need to tell him that i forgive him but that it doesn't change that i won't be married to him.  i need to figure out how to do the house.  maybe i should give it to him.  i don't know if i should talk to my friend about it or if i just need to think about it and do what i decide.  i want to help her.  i want to be able to keep the rent as low as possible.  i am willing to make up the difference on the house payment...to split it with her.  he never did that, even when we were together.  but, i know that i can't live like it is.  so i am indeed going to have to decide.
he will be friendly with anyone from our past that he knows i care about.  even at the end of our marriage he became intrusive that way.  there are some things that i won't be able to draw a firm boundary.  but i am going to try with the house.  but first, i'll think and decide for sure what i want.  what is wise.  what is kind.  to me.  to others.  period.
but i can't keep paying the bills and letting him still run all over what i asked him to leave be.  how disrespectful it is.  it shouldn't surprise me anymore....but it always does.

breach

i feel...violated.  something happened today and it was enough that i really needed a friend.  really needed...as in....i just need to talk this out for a bit.  but, i called and nobody answered...which, in this day of all of our cell phones is not unusual.  but, i decided that it was desperate enough that i was going to stop by and see if i could have some time with her.  i got about a third of the way down her street when i saw my ex in her yard trimming trees.  i arranged to be the one to take care of the house because i didn't want to have to face that.  but, it is a fact of life.  he is able to do that.  and i do not get a choice. period.  except to change where i go.
he wrote and mailed me a letter.  it is very nice.  really.  but it simply feels manipulative.  bottom line....i don't trust him.  he doesn't do what i ask or take heed of what i say i need.  he still doesn't hear me.  but, he is sorry and he did flatter me.  so, now i'm not supposed to convert the legal separation to a divorce in two weeks.  because he's sorry.  because he is praying for us to be restored.  because he is praying.  because he sees how he did wrong things.  what he fails to realize is what he did to me TODAY.  what he did to me regarding christmas.  what he does when he refuses to understand what i have said over an over.  that he doesn't know or realize that we have been divorced for a very long time.  it's not  about the signed piece of paper.  i was....injured by the fact that he said how he needed forgiveness and didn't expect anything and then went on to talk about what decisions i was going to make regarding our marital status.  he flattered me to get me to soften up.  i recognize his cycle now.  has to be nice to me.  has to tell me how good i am......all the while, knowing that he has made plans to go to my friend's house.  i told him that was hard for me.  even a long time ago.  but somehow, it doesn't matter.  it doesn't matter to anyone that it destroys me every time.  i'm just so...emotional about it.  sad.  angry.  hurt.  furious.  wounded.  troubled.
then, in the midst of it all...a friend's ex called my cell and pretended like he didn't know who i was while he proceeded to yell at me about having dialed his phone five times.  four of which were yesterday.i hadn't.  i couldn't even have butt dialed.  because my phone wasn't even on me.  it was in my purse in my desk at school.  sometimes verizon has those glitches where it looks like a call is coming from someone else.  I told him who I was.  He continued on and acted like I was a complete stranger.  it was bizarre.
but i am getting stronger.  while i am on my bed right now, i am not going to let it take away my whole day.  getting yelled at was actually easier than the nice letter.  i despise the letter.
and i despise that i am expected to share my friend with him.  i needed her today.  and now i feel.....breached.  uncomfortable.  stupid for having to thought of going over there without making arrangements.  you know, i don't go about making arrangements with his friends.  i don't offer to drive them places or clean their houses or make them meals.  i don't manufacture ways to be in their lives so that i can somehow get information or feel better that they are also my friend.  i let go of some people. people that are now his crowd.  he won't do that.  because he knows that the one way to get to me is through people i care about.
and tonight is a winter parade that the kids are in.  that he has arrangements with them afterwards.  but i never got a text or email saying so.  he's going.  going to be there with my grandkids and eldest son.  then going to take the other kids and go.  never offered to drive the kids.  ever mentioned that he would be there.  assumed i would take care of arrangements and he would show up.
i wish that i would get past thinking bad words in my head.  but that's just how it is right now.  he is a meanie head.  even if others only see the sugar coating.