broken car

at the end of that whole long tedious painful day called yesterday....i got a call from my 21 year old.  he was at work.  his car was dead.  i drove out.  i waited for a long time while as a couple of coworkers tried to help him.  that was sweet to see.  i brought him to my house.  i gave him my car because he had to be back to work in about 8 hours...maybe 7.  his brother's car is here and available but has no current plates and we hadn't started it in about six weeks.  it was cold, late and windy.  i decided he needed to rest and know that he'd be ok in the morning.  so...he drove off in my car.  

but there was this little part in the back of my mind that wondered...why didn't he call his dad.  why didn't he ask him to tow him.  why.  i know why.  his dad is hard to deal with.  self centered.  so his dad takes him out to eat.  plays games.  makes chit chat.  but when it comes to life i'm still his parent.  it's eye opening.  i make sure he gets a bed for his apartment.  to get a plane ticket to go to the dad's side of family christmas.  to be sure he has car insurance.  phone service.  he's a college student.  he is grown...mostly...but still needs a hand up.  and being there for him in those rare times that he asks....it's a privilege.  i am glad that he called.  i am glad that we will work it out together.  i am glad that he didn't have to feel alone.  but i have this sadness regarding my ex.  that he lost out and doesn't even know it.  it's not about popularity.  it's about standing together.  being real.  loving for who we are...not who we wish people would be.  makes me ill.  literally.  wears on my body.  but just like fighting a virus, it is wearing, tiring, painful, something to deal with....but knowing that it will pass.  that eventually the body aches, tummy ache, headache and diarrhea will pass.  in this case....the heartache as well.  because i gave everything to someone who threw it away and then asks me to give some more without even thinking that the whole last twenty years has had a huge impact that doesn't just disappear.  he thinks that saying sorry...maybe even being sorry...fixes the fact that his behavior destroys self worth.  destroys hope.  sinks relationships.  i can see why he's sorry.  i can appreciate that he may even repent.  though...he seems to still be in the same pattern.  there's apologies for the past but absolutely no change in the present.  well...yes, a change in taking the kids out to eat.  in spending money on those kinds of things.  oh well.  they can't be bought off.  they need real.

on a great note...another son brought home a card from the giving tree at school.  to get a gift for a 10-14 aged girl.  so proud of him.  of course, he gave it to me today.  it's due tomorrow.  he said, it's ok, we have time.  i love the "we".

blessings.