I honestly and truly cannot even begin to put words to how hard I think that it may be to say goodbye to my children for Christmas. And, I keep trying to picture how it will be to get up on Christmas morning. No matter where I am. No matter what I am doing. It will be hard. But, in years to come, it could be this way. As my children have their own families. But, I wasn't quite ready yet. And though I am trying to prepare my heart and my mind, I have a feeling that it is going to hit like a punch to the tummy....hard, surprisingly painful, shockingly so.
I have searched for places to go. And I could. But, if I drive, it is far to go to "my" place....the ocean. I like road trips. I like to travel. But, realistically, I'm not sure how far I would get in a day and if it would be worth the time that I would have to spend there. I have found a few swinging deals. I mean, who wouldn't want a beachfront rental for 85 a night? Or 70? Or even 100? But, I also know that I have a lot to do in my home. Not sure which is more important to me.
I am taking heart that it's never too late for me to decide. Although, money is an issue. I don't know how to make that happen. Gas is expensive. I want to be wise...as much as I want to RUN!!!
Somehow I think that I'll figure it out.
I have a strange sense of aloneness. I saw an ad for people alone on Christmas Eve and it struck me...that's me. And my ex will probably steal my tradition with the kids that came from my grandma. So...they might have Chinese on the night while I......really, I can't even picture it. While I scrub the floor? Or clean the porch? Or organize the cupboards? I really don't know. How will it look for me? Alas, I can't predict. It is new territory. But I take heart. I am full of courage. I will falter. I may fall. But, I will get up. I will grow through it. I am taking heart that I don't have to spend the holidays with people who don't like who I am. That I'm NOT married. So very thankful. Yep. Even if it means being alone on Christmas.
But I'm no fool. I don't kid myself about how hard it will be. I think that it's like trying to steel yourself for the jolt that comes at the end of the roller coaster ride. You can't avoid it. It comes. It shakes you. Rattles your brain. No matter how much you wish you could avoid it. I wish that I could avoid it, but the moment is rushing toward me. Quickly.
And all I can do is pray to have the grace to handle it. To be strong and of good courage. To look to the fact that it's part of my growing process.
Wherever you are, whatever you are facing....it's possible. Though it feels like too much. I have faith. Because I have lived through so many things that I thought were too much...and it turned out that they weren't more than I could bear. I'm praying for you. Thinking of you.
blessings.
I have searched for places to go. And I could. But, if I drive, it is far to go to "my" place....the ocean. I like road trips. I like to travel. But, realistically, I'm not sure how far I would get in a day and if it would be worth the time that I would have to spend there. I have found a few swinging deals. I mean, who wouldn't want a beachfront rental for 85 a night? Or 70? Or even 100? But, I also know that I have a lot to do in my home. Not sure which is more important to me.
I am taking heart that it's never too late for me to decide. Although, money is an issue. I don't know how to make that happen. Gas is expensive. I want to be wise...as much as I want to RUN!!!
Somehow I think that I'll figure it out.
I have a strange sense of aloneness. I saw an ad for people alone on Christmas Eve and it struck me...that's me. And my ex will probably steal my tradition with the kids that came from my grandma. So...they might have Chinese on the night while I......really, I can't even picture it. While I scrub the floor? Or clean the porch? Or organize the cupboards? I really don't know. How will it look for me? Alas, I can't predict. It is new territory. But I take heart. I am full of courage. I will falter. I may fall. But, I will get up. I will grow through it. I am taking heart that I don't have to spend the holidays with people who don't like who I am. That I'm NOT married. So very thankful. Yep. Even if it means being alone on Christmas.
But I'm no fool. I don't kid myself about how hard it will be. I think that it's like trying to steel yourself for the jolt that comes at the end of the roller coaster ride. You can't avoid it. It comes. It shakes you. Rattles your brain. No matter how much you wish you could avoid it. I wish that I could avoid it, but the moment is rushing toward me. Quickly.
And all I can do is pray to have the grace to handle it. To be strong and of good courage. To look to the fact that it's part of my growing process.
Wherever you are, whatever you are facing....it's possible. Though it feels like too much. I have faith. Because I have lived through so many things that I thought were too much...and it turned out that they weren't more than I could bear. I'm praying for you. Thinking of you.
blessings.
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