In the now, I can sleep. I can heal. In the now, I can take time and think. In the now, I can pray and read and learn about how God loves me without beating myself up about why I can't be enough in my marriage. In the now, I can take a good look at myself and see who I want to be....and proceed to choose that....no matter how hard it is to accomplish. I get to choose. And that's hard. And it's so good. He is not at fault for who I become. He hurts me over and over. He speaks disparagingly of me in that charming, poor him kind of way. He has people around him being his support, his prayer group. To pray for me to not be so sinful, basically. I guess that feeling is what galls me. He says how he takes responsibility. For what happened in the past. What about in the here and now. What about him taking responsibility for being a father to his kids. Not someone who leans on them and needs them to meet his needs, but quite the opposite. It is like being pummeled to hear his words to see the effect they are having in the world. It is bruising to my soul.
And then, on top of it all, here comes Christmas. I'm kinda sad not to be having the day where I get to hand out the presents. Where there's a nice meal and a quiet afternoon. Made all the more difficult knowing that he is well aware that I made the traditions with the kids...that he participated in the parts he wanted to. Not sure I'll make a Jesus birthday cake this year. Kinda hard....cake for one. But, maybe a cupcake. ;) Jesus for one, please. I know He'll be in attendance. I just like having the rest of the family too.
My ex is suddenly everywhere. Gathering everyone to his side. He is working on our oldest son. Telling him things. Trying to make him feel sorry for him. Letting him know how they should pray. And....it is disheartening. He did not lead our family EVER spiritually. Not an iota. He would pray long prayers at holidays with a crowd. He would sometimes pray at our table for our family. Not with our family, not with our kids, not with me...oh, unless he was worried about money...then he would pray with me and in so doing, also let me know how disappointed he was in me. But now he's praying with multiple men's groups. Sharing in church venues. Telling our kids things that make him look like a victim. Unlike me. I tell them I chose. I tell them that I couldn't make it. I tell them that I know it is hard and that I'm sorry that my decision causes them pain. My daughter says, "no it doesn't". They know. They get it. Even if none of us just say how he wasn't there for us. Wasn't any kind of strength. He's a user upper. Everyone around has to put in energy to keep him going. It's wearing. Imagine 20 years of it. Like driving a gas guzzler with gas prices like they are now. Always having to fill up with the prices dear. Makes little money left for anything else. Or little energy or emotion...in the analogy.
I got to sleep. In my bed. Without him to trouble me.
Maybe I'll get to go to church one week or maybe even two while he's gone. Maybe. If I can do it for the right reasons. I long to be there. I weep often for the loss. Not of him.....of my church family. He, I am done with. Completely. Today is the day that I can submit paperwork for a divorce. I haven't done it because I know that bad things can really ruin holidays forever for kids. And I also know that he would play the victim to his family and the kids. But this little part of me just wants him to get the papers before he goes. Let him explain it now. Let him tell them how he's not divorced. But, I don't want to do it out of spite. And....I don't want to hurt his dad nor his holiday. It's hard to carry hurt so others don't. And it feels like that is what Christmas will be for me this year. Letting others have what they need while trying to make it look like it's fine. Because everyone wants to feel better about it. But they also want to have what they need how they are used to it. As it should be.
So, I may not get what I need or desire, but I will get something that will work. I will be careful with my self. With me. I am greatly deserving of some kindness right about now.
blessings.
And then, on top of it all, here comes Christmas. I'm kinda sad not to be having the day where I get to hand out the presents. Where there's a nice meal and a quiet afternoon. Made all the more difficult knowing that he is well aware that I made the traditions with the kids...that he participated in the parts he wanted to. Not sure I'll make a Jesus birthday cake this year. Kinda hard....cake for one. But, maybe a cupcake. ;) Jesus for one, please. I know He'll be in attendance. I just like having the rest of the family too.
My ex is suddenly everywhere. Gathering everyone to his side. He is working on our oldest son. Telling him things. Trying to make him feel sorry for him. Letting him know how they should pray. And....it is disheartening. He did not lead our family EVER spiritually. Not an iota. He would pray long prayers at holidays with a crowd. He would sometimes pray at our table for our family. Not with our family, not with our kids, not with me...oh, unless he was worried about money...then he would pray with me and in so doing, also let me know how disappointed he was in me. But now he's praying with multiple men's groups. Sharing in church venues. Telling our kids things that make him look like a victim. Unlike me. I tell them I chose. I tell them that I couldn't make it. I tell them that I know it is hard and that I'm sorry that my decision causes them pain. My daughter says, "no it doesn't". They know. They get it. Even if none of us just say how he wasn't there for us. Wasn't any kind of strength. He's a user upper. Everyone around has to put in energy to keep him going. It's wearing. Imagine 20 years of it. Like driving a gas guzzler with gas prices like they are now. Always having to fill up with the prices dear. Makes little money left for anything else. Or little energy or emotion...in the analogy.
I got to sleep. In my bed. Without him to trouble me.
Maybe I'll get to go to church one week or maybe even two while he's gone. Maybe. If I can do it for the right reasons. I long to be there. I weep often for the loss. Not of him.....of my church family. He, I am done with. Completely. Today is the day that I can submit paperwork for a divorce. I haven't done it because I know that bad things can really ruin holidays forever for kids. And I also know that he would play the victim to his family and the kids. But this little part of me just wants him to get the papers before he goes. Let him explain it now. Let him tell them how he's not divorced. But, I don't want to do it out of spite. And....I don't want to hurt his dad nor his holiday. It's hard to carry hurt so others don't. And it feels like that is what Christmas will be for me this year. Letting others have what they need while trying to make it look like it's fine. Because everyone wants to feel better about it. But they also want to have what they need how they are used to it. As it should be.
So, I may not get what I need or desire, but I will get something that will work. I will be careful with my self. With me. I am greatly deserving of some kindness right about now.
blessings.
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