epic fail

you know, i keep thinking that i'm moving on.  moving forward.  that i'm brave.  and then i have a day like today.  he was texting my friend to say that the lines on the sprinkler system should be blown out.  she didn't know what to say because i made it awkward by being so screwed up about being able to handle his being present and made to be "necessary".  so, i was crushed by the fact that my crap once again affected someone else.  then, i dealt with that.  emailed.  went on to the concert my daughter had.  my ex was going too.  honestly, i was thinking how well i was doing.  had to walk into the school alone.  knew i'd have to find a seat.  was nervous, but doing it.  found a friend and was so happy.  sat between her and a youngun.  then the friend and her hubby left and i felt exposed.  i felt vulnerable.  i had as close to a panic attack as i could have without everyone knowing.  scared me.  because i was tired.  and weary of feeling uncomfortable.  and for awhile there, i had felt safe.  i survived, but not with much grace and aplomb.  by the skin of my teeth.
and on top of everything else, i feel like he will eventually whittle away at my friendships too.  makes me ill.  but, i keep remembering that it simply is what it is.  my worrying nor my regret will not change it.  i just have to let go.  i have to learn to love well.  i must give and not allow myself to get caught up in being needy.  i must take care of myself.  rest.  food.  time.  time to speak how i feel.  time alone.  guess i'll get plenty of that as the holiday is coming...
but you know, though i have felt literally like an epic fail today, i'm ok.  this is the life i have chosen.  and as hard as it is...it sure as heck beats how i was living.
maybe there will be a surprise job offer for him in texas.  oh, wait, i must have been dreaming. ;)
blessings.