In Shock

I think that I spent part of today in shock.  Numb.  Having trouble functioning.  The last couple of days feel...surreal.  Like I just can't believe that my son talked.  My other son spoke up on behalf of himself and his family.  And....I am so hurt by all that has happened to my lovies.  I mean, I don't understand.  Those are the most repeated words of my heart over the years....."I don't understand".  I have spent so long trying to understand.  So hard.  I want to understand. I want to put words to it.  Why can he not own the fact that he says he loves but he doesn't meet the needs of those he says he loves.  He does what he wants to.  He does what makes him look good.  But he doesn't meet those he claims to care about with compassion nor with strength.  He is weak.  And he is mean....probably mean because he's weak.
But he hurt my son...again.  And I'm finding that my worst fears over the years were perhaps true.  That his discouraging, unkind attitude warped my son's self confidence.  Diminished his choices.  I heard things that I suspected but hadn't seen happen.  Makes me....ill.
I've done a lot today, but without great focus.  Because I am truly shocked.  Need to debrief.  Keep talking to myself.
Too tough some days.  I'm so glad he's out of my life.